You may or may not be wondering how I've been or what I've been up to. Well, I've had a hard time thinking of something to blog about and I don't really want to blog for the sake of blogging, if that makes any sense, so I've been away from the writing board.
I'll dive right into the new thing that I am doing: I joined a group called Save Fitness, a group created by Tanji Johnson, an IFBB pro. What is IFBB, you may or may not be asking? IFBB is the International Federation of Bodybuilding and Fitness; Tanji is a body builder and competes in both physique and fitness. Yes, there are different levels in body building, as the pic below illustrates (fitness is where you do a routine that showcases your fitness level). Basically, this blog is about why I joined and some of the internal struggles that I have faced in doing so. I have only been a member for a few weeks.
PLEASE NOTE: If you wanna bash ANY of these women, you can get the (pardon the term) FUCK off of my website right the hell now. I don't tolerate fat shaming and I sure as hell won't tolerate ANYONE saying how "she looks like a man" or "she's too skinny" or whatever garbage someone's bigoted brain shoots out because I don't tolerate body-shaming PERIOD. I am ALL ABOUT body acceptance at any size, just as I am ALL ABOUT health at any size. These women are GORGEOUS and I will throw down with anyone that dares to say different. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO HAVE A BODY.
I joined Save Fitness for a few different reasons. The first and foremost reason is that I desperately want more friends. Since I moved down from Bellingham, I've found that it can get kind of lonely, just the fiance and I. Not only that, almost NONE of my close friends are fitness minded; I can count them on one hand (dear friends reading this: I love you all, I swear!). I've always been more of a loner when it comes to doing things, but trying to learn more and be healthier has been REALLY hard to do alone. It's hard to try to "eat clean" or whatever when everyone around you (including the previously mentioned fiance) is pounding down delicious, delicious food and/or encouraging you to skip a work out and/or encouraging you to take a drink/stay up late. I need to be around people that have the same values that I am working so hard to develop so that I can stay motivated and focused, even when I'm around my friends that can eat for days with no consequences (and so maybe I can quit trying to eat my weight in donuts/pizza because I have an unhealthy relationship with food).
Another reason I wanted to join is because I wanted to see if I really could compete. I want to prove to the world that this fatty-since-birth, this the-fat-friend, could DO IT. I want to compete in 2015 in bikini or figure. I prefer the glam of bikini, but my muscle building ability and lack of balance/sass make me think I'll be better suited to figure. Neither is better than the other; it's for purely shallow reasons that I favor bikini (I prefer the suits and poses :3).
I've said it before and I'll say it again: IT'S NOT ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT. I DO NOT HATE MY BODY. It's about trying to be the healthiest I can be and I LOVE MY FAT, PALE BODY. Even if the below makes it seem like I don't.
MY STRUGGLES SO FAR
(If any of the girls in Save Fitness are reading this right now, this is not about you. You've all been great and supportive; this is all purely internal and based off of my own insecurities.)
My first, actual impression of Save Fitness was during the initial consultation. You, along with a group of however many other women signed up, come and meet with Tanji and she explains to you about competing to make sure that you understand how much work it really is. She also takes your through some of the poses. Tanji is AWESOME and I loved the girls I met and was super excited to learn more. On the other hand, I was painfully nervous.
I was the fattest, palest woman at that gathering.
I suddenly felt like a swollen whale and I just wanted to curl into a ball and hide. They were all very nice and I don't think anyone was judging me, but I was judging me and comparing my body to theirs. My mind was screaming "What are you even DOING here? LEAVE. You have no business here with these people. You don't fit in. Get out. Come back when you can stop being such a fat ass. LEAVE. You are the ONLY person here without a background in sports or ANYTHING. LEAVE." When Tanji said that we were going to be taking turns posing in front of everyone else, I almost died again. "WHAT?! I am WAY too fat to be up in front of these fit females! I AM A COW. Oh GOD they'll all see how pale, uncoordinated, and FAT I am." I love my body, I honestly and truly do. That being said, I am still human and sometimes, I can become almost paralyzed by insecurity.
I want to tell you that I overcame it. I want to tell you that I said "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR" and rocked it. I gave myself pep talks on the inside. I assured myself. I reminded myself of how far I have come. I did the posing in front of everyone and it was just as bad at it as I thought I would be. I want to tell you that I was strong and that I found my self-confidence again.
The truth is, I went out to my car and cried when it was over. I just bawled my eyes out and I have no real idea why.
How could I, the perpetual fatty, every hope to compete? How could I fit in? How could I have ever thought that I would be WORTHY? Look at those girls, why can't I do that! Why can't I look like that? Why can't I BE that? Why have I been eating like I'm starving for the last three weeks? Why has it been months since I've seen progress? BLAH. BLAH. SELF DOUBT. BLAH.
Well, me being me, I went on to the next step, which was a private consultation with Tanji. Again, I want to tell you that I was super confident and killed it; I didn't. I saw that she had the girl before me take her shirt off (or maybe she just lifted it up, I can't remember) in the gym mirror while surrounded by people and I wanted to bolt for a second. What if she makes ME take my shirt off?
Long story short, she didn't, and it was alright. She was super cool. :3
Well, me being who I am, I can't just quit. I have this almost sick need to push myself well out of my comfort zone, even if it leaves me crying in a parking lot plagued by self-doubt and insecurity. I HAVE to work past this. I have to embrace who I am RIGHT NOW at any size because that is what I stand for. That is why I made CFC. CFC is like Batman: she is a symbol. (Heehee, I compared myself to Batman. That makes me positively giddy with glee.) I cannot let that symbol down, just like Bruce Wayne can't let down Batman. "People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man, I'm flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed; but as a symbol... as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting." I will never stop striving to spread body acceptance and the only way I can do that is by ALWAYS accepting my body exactly as it is. THAT is what CFC is all about.
If Tanji asks me to take my shirt off in the gym (which apparently she does), I am going to take it off and everyone can gaze at my PALE, FLABBY GLORY AND BASK IN MY AWESOME.
I'll let you know how it goes. ;)
<3 - CFC
P.S. I need a Super-CFC logo STAT, now. :)
UPDATE, 6/11/2014: OMG. My friend made me a Super-CFC logo!!! :D :D :D I LOVE IT.