I want to preface all of this by saying that my weight is not the issue or reason why any of the following is happening/has happened. I want to say that now before some jack wagon comments saying "Well if you just lose weight, ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS WILL MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR." No, hypothetical jack wagon, they won't. My being fat is one of the symptoms. Would losing weight help? SURE! Would it solve everything? NO. Why? GENETICS.
So if you want to comment about how I am weak or this is my fault, you can bugger off right now.
One of my best friends told me once that lately, I only blog when I'm upset and need to vent. He was not wrong and this is one such blog. HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS LADIES AND GENTS, IT'S GONNA BE A LONG ONE!
So if you want to comment about how I am weak or this is my fault, you can bugger off right now.
One of my best friends told me once that lately, I only blog when I'm upset and need to vent. He was not wrong and this is one such blog. HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS LADIES AND GENTS, IT'S GONNA BE A LONG ONE!
Therapy
I started therapy quite awhile ago. I see a very nice lady named Gina Guddat one to two times a month. We talk about my issues with my mother (who was abusive), my shitty childhood (see abusive mother earlier), my work, my life, my weight issues/health (she use to be a personal trainer), whatever. Having someone to talk things out with generally helps put things in perspective and helps me learn things about myself. It's great. I recommend a counselor/therapist for everyone.
I don't really want to share the following bit of information I found out with her and have only told a few people. There is a lot of stigma about mental health and I have already had one person tell me essentially that they do not think that I have the disorder my therapist and I believe I have. I was very ashamed when it was first brought up and it made me feel like I am broken. It made me feel like my mother won, she broke me. *takes a deep breath*
I HAVE PTSD. There. I said it.
Admittedly, I have pretty mild PTSD but hey, it's still there. If you have any comments about how I've never been in war so I can't possibly have PTSD, I want you to leave my blog right now and never come back. Go on. Go. Still here? Awesome.
PTSD can happen to anyone for a LOT of reasons. Hell, you can get PTSD from childbirth! It doesn't mean you're crazy. It doesn't mean you're dangerous. It means that you were under a lot of stress and that can mess with your brain. It does NOT mean you are weak.
FURTHERMORE, I HAVE OCD. SURPRISE.
This one I always suspected, but didn't really think I had. Turns out, OCD isn't just the people obsessed with germs or the people who have to lock the door 8 times (those people are experiencing more severe symptoms). We stumbled upon this while trying to figure out things I can eat (more on that later) because I have A LOT of texture aversions. Also, I have a lot of obsessive little quirks because I'm cool and fun at parties.
I was a bit upset about this diagnosis as well, because it's like, really? Do I need another thing? Then it spiraled out to "Wait, is this why I'm so weird? Is this why it's hard for me to make friends or why people don't always enjoy my company? Is this one of the reasons why I am so lonely? IS THIS THE REASON WHY I CAN NEVER BE NORMAL?!" It's been a blast, really.
The good news is that both disorders are very mild and it's not like I just suddenly have them. It's more like I can finally give a name my enemy (though honestly, mild OCD is useful if you can get yourself stuck on healthy things).
I don't really want to share the following bit of information I found out with her and have only told a few people. There is a lot of stigma about mental health and I have already had one person tell me essentially that they do not think that I have the disorder my therapist and I believe I have. I was very ashamed when it was first brought up and it made me feel like I am broken. It made me feel like my mother won, she broke me. *takes a deep breath*
I HAVE PTSD. There. I said it.
Admittedly, I have pretty mild PTSD but hey, it's still there. If you have any comments about how I've never been in war so I can't possibly have PTSD, I want you to leave my blog right now and never come back. Go on. Go. Still here? Awesome.
PTSD can happen to anyone for a LOT of reasons. Hell, you can get PTSD from childbirth! It doesn't mean you're crazy. It doesn't mean you're dangerous. It means that you were under a lot of stress and that can mess with your brain. It does NOT mean you are weak.
FURTHERMORE, I HAVE OCD. SURPRISE.
This one I always suspected, but didn't really think I had. Turns out, OCD isn't just the people obsessed with germs or the people who have to lock the door 8 times (those people are experiencing more severe symptoms). We stumbled upon this while trying to figure out things I can eat (more on that later) because I have A LOT of texture aversions. Also, I have a lot of obsessive little quirks because I'm cool and fun at parties.
I was a bit upset about this diagnosis as well, because it's like, really? Do I need another thing? Then it spiraled out to "Wait, is this why I'm so weird? Is this why it's hard for me to make friends or why people don't always enjoy my company? Is this one of the reasons why I am so lonely? IS THIS THE REASON WHY I CAN NEVER BE NORMAL?!" It's been a blast, really.
The good news is that both disorders are very mild and it's not like I just suddenly have them. It's more like I can finally give a name my enemy (though honestly, mild OCD is useful if you can get yourself stuck on healthy things).
Medical History + Hi, I'm a Pescatarian Now
I blogged quite awhile ago about how I am insulin resistant. That hasn't changed- that's for life. I started taking metformin (you may recognize it as a medication for diabetics- I do not have diabetes...yet) under my old doctor and my new doctor doubled the dose (which has a dreadful transition period). I've started going to the doctor every three months to have my blood drawn and to monitor things. That's right. EVERY. THREE. MONTHS. I hate needles, so it's been a real treat.
Further, I became a pescatarian earlier this year, which means the only meat I eat is fish. I chose to do this for moral reasons and because I learned that cows have best friends (I gave up beef/pork last year). I was hoping to transition to full vegetarian at some point, but that is looking less likely.
Further, I became a pescatarian earlier this year, which means the only meat I eat is fish. I chose to do this for moral reasons and because I learned that cows have best friends (I gave up beef/pork last year). I was hoping to transition to full vegetarian at some point, but that is looking less likely.
Today's Doctor Visit
I went to the doctor today for a blood draw, as has been my life lately. My A1C is improving (it's something to do with blood glucose), so I have that going for me. I asked my doctor what I needed to do to get off the metformin and she told me I would have to be able to stabilize my insulin levels on my own. She also said there is a very real possibility that I will never be off of the medication.
She also said, and I appreciate this, that this is not my fault. For my body, carbohydrates are like poison. I can't process them correctly and that is because I was born like this. Everything wrong with me is just the perfect storm to make me the way I am.
It's better for me to take the metformin than to become actually diabetic (again, terrified of needles... and death). She told me not to feel defeated, but honestly, it's hard not to.
We then moved on to discuss my (and here is where the TMI really comes into play) GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES. I have had issues my entire life with digesting food (maybe I'll leave it at that) and she thinks it sounds like I might have IBS- IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME! #sexyandiknowit
Due to this and my potential for sexy, sexy diabetes, she gave me two different food lists to help with both issues- one for my GI issues (called the Low FODMAP food chart) and another for my hateful insulin resistance (low carb). We will now be meeting monthly (though the blood draw will still be every three months) to monitor how these changes work for me. This brings me to my next point in this babbling rant of mine-
She also said, and I appreciate this, that this is not my fault. For my body, carbohydrates are like poison. I can't process them correctly and that is because I was born like this. Everything wrong with me is just the perfect storm to make me the way I am.
It's better for me to take the metformin than to become actually diabetic (again, terrified of needles... and death). She told me not to feel defeated, but honestly, it's hard not to.
We then moved on to discuss my (and here is where the TMI really comes into play) GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES. I have had issues my entire life with digesting food (maybe I'll leave it at that) and she thinks it sounds like I might have IBS- IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME! #sexyandiknowit
Due to this and my potential for sexy, sexy diabetes, she gave me two different food lists to help with both issues- one for my GI issues (called the Low FODMAP food chart) and another for my hateful insulin resistance (low carb). We will now be meeting monthly (though the blood draw will still be every three months) to monitor how these changes work for me. This brings me to my next point in this babbling rant of mine-
Food Sucks
I hate food. I mean, I love food, but man, I HATE food. Those two lists above? I have to go through and try to only eat on the "can eat" part of each list. That is not a lot of flipping food (I already miss bread). You know what else is fun? I DON'T EAT MOST MEAT EITHER.
Also, super fun- I AM BECOMING LACTOSE INTOLERANT. That's a great thing to find out the hard way. I can still eat cheese right now, but for how long?
I feel this constant, frustrated urge to scream "WHAT DO I EAT, THEN?" into a void somewhere, but that's not productive.
It's just utterly maddening that every time I turn around, we find a new thing wrong with me and a new food I shouldn't eat. It's like my body hates me. It's absolutely miserable. It doesn't help that everyone and their mother wants to comment on the fact that I don't eat meat; I hear the same five jokes on repeat and it is NOT helping with the frustration. Yes, I chose not to eat meat, but c'mon people, it's not like I give you a hard time for eating the remains of a slaughtered and abused animal (though I suppose you could interpret this comment that way). Just leave me a long to eat my fake meat and plants.
Also, super fun- I AM BECOMING LACTOSE INTOLERANT. That's a great thing to find out the hard way. I can still eat cheese right now, but for how long?
I feel this constant, frustrated urge to scream "WHAT DO I EAT, THEN?" into a void somewhere, but that's not productive.
It's just utterly maddening that every time I turn around, we find a new thing wrong with me and a new food I shouldn't eat. It's like my body hates me. It's absolutely miserable. It doesn't help that everyone and their mother wants to comment on the fact that I don't eat meat; I hear the same five jokes on repeat and it is NOT helping with the frustration. Yes, I chose not to eat meat, but c'mon people, it's not like I give you a hard time for eating the remains of a slaughtered and abused animal (though I suppose you could interpret this comment that way). Just leave me a long to eat my fake meat and plants.
Ending on a Positive Note
I will be real here, I am not feeling super positive right this moment. I AM slowly transitioning into a more positive person (I feel that I would have been stupidly bubbly if I hadn't been abused by my mother), but that doesn't help me right away.
I keep reminding myself that my issues are all mild and it could be SO much worse, but first I find out that my feet are jacked up (the post about z-shaped feet has more details), then the metformin and insulin resistance came to light, then PTSD, then OCD, and now IBS? Seriously? Admittedly, my issues have always been there, they're just now getting names. It just feels like a lot and I hate restricting food. I also hate needles and feeling like my insides are on fire, so I guess there has to be a trade off. At least a change in diet might fix things and I won't need more medication.... probably.
I bought this super cool, rainbow-sparkle unicorn planner today (an impulse purchase when I went to Michael's to walk around to help make myself feel better) and will have to start meal planning. There is no other way when learning a new way to eat; I have to learn what I can make with what I have been given. My doctor also recommended a cookbook on Mediterranean Paleo Cooking, so I'll have to give that a shot.
If I just work through my weird, OCD food hangups and try, maybe I can fix everything just by changing what I eat. But it's going to be super hard.
I feel like I will probably blog more about how this all goes.
<3 - CFC
I keep reminding myself that my issues are all mild and it could be SO much worse, but first I find out that my feet are jacked up (the post about z-shaped feet has more details), then the metformin and insulin resistance came to light, then PTSD, then OCD, and now IBS? Seriously? Admittedly, my issues have always been there, they're just now getting names. It just feels like a lot and I hate restricting food. I also hate needles and feeling like my insides are on fire, so I guess there has to be a trade off. At least a change in diet might fix things and I won't need more medication.... probably.
I bought this super cool, rainbow-sparkle unicorn planner today (an impulse purchase when I went to Michael's to walk around to help make myself feel better) and will have to start meal planning. There is no other way when learning a new way to eat; I have to learn what I can make with what I have been given. My doctor also recommended a cookbook on Mediterranean Paleo Cooking, so I'll have to give that a shot.
If I just work through my weird, OCD food hangups and try, maybe I can fix everything just by changing what I eat. But it's going to be super hard.
I feel like I will probably blog more about how this all goes.
<3 - CFC
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