I don't do drunken crowds of people spilling off of sidewalks while I attempt to drive through with people yelling at me in the back seat, it would seem.
So, that being said, here are some things that I will not be apologizing for anymore or making excuses about. I am DONE feeling bad about and apologizing for who I am. If I can learn to love my fat and wonderful body, you can bet that I can love my awesome and amazing personality. This isn't about me not leaving my comfort zone (I frequently hurl myself out of my comfort zone just to see what will happen), this is about me accepting who I am becoming and no longer doing things I don't want to do just because I feel like I have to (such as clubbing).
(IF MY FRIENDS, WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE, READ THIS: This isn't me trashing on or hating you. I'm sure we'll move past this and that I won't be invited out for wild party nights anymore, which is fine by me. XD This is me learning from an experience.)
1. I am NOT sorry that I am becoming more introverted.
I have always identified as an extrovert and all the Briggs Meyer type tests that I've taken have labeled me as one. HOWEVER, I was always a bit borderline and I like to refer to myself as an "introverted extrovert," since I have major characteristics of both. I guess that actually makes me an ambivert, but I like my title better.
Most of my childhood was spent alone in my house. From 5th grade until sometime in high school or junior high, I would come home from school and be alone until either I went to sleep or right before. I relished those times because I did not like being around my family and any reason to not be in the same room as my abusive, screaming mother was a good reason. While I was pretty much a pure extrovert as a child, this epic amount of alone time without the pressure and stress of being around my family made me cherish my time alone.
As I've gotten older, that introverted part of me has grown stronger. I still get energy from crowds of friends, but I need time to recharge if I'm out too long. I no longer like being in a sea of pounding music and pulsating pelvises (that's what I think of the club scene). Once I left Bellingham (and all the people I hung out with) and moved to Renton, I became very lonely. However, my volatile and high-stress childhood made me very adaptable to changes in my life, leading the introvert side to shine through.
I am not lonely anymore.
2. I am NOT, nor will I ever be, sorry that I have anxiety issues.
Anxiety runs in my family; my grandma and mother both have anxiety issues. As I get older, these hereditary issues start cropping up more. It's not as bad in me, but I can get anxiety/panic attacks if I get too overwhelmed. I am lucky in that they are weak enough that I can kind of control them. I recognize what is happening and that I'm not dying and I can kind of let them pass and calm myself down.That doesn't make them any less unpleasant.
I have always seen this as weakness in myself (which is funny, because I don't think of other people with anxiety as weak). I grew up being forced to be an adult at an early age. I had to think on my feet, raise my sister, and deal with sudden, volatile situations on the fly with a certain level of poise. I had to be able to sit and take loud, verbal abuse for hours while dealing with a screaming child, schoolwork, and housework; all while maintaining a level head, nearly 4.0 GPA, and never letting my emotions get out of control (I REALLY relate to Frozen's "Let it Go"). So the fact that I can't deal as well with some situations makes me feel weak because I always could before.
But I am okay with it and I am not sorry anymore. I am not weak; I have just been strong for so long that I am tired and a bit more high strung than I use to be. I can't help that I have anxiety issues. All I can do is cope with them and stop feeling like it's a weakness.
The ironic part of this is that I do my best work under pressure. Go figure.
3. I am NOT sorry that I do not like crowds.
I don't like crowds of strangers. I discovered that in 10th grade when I was suppose to welcome the incoming freshman and completely froze up.
Not much has changed since then. #sorrynotsorry
4. I am NOT sorry that I am not a big drinker/partier/total lightweight.
A large part of my family is composed of alcoholics. The mother I mentioned previously? Alcoholic partier. One of my main goals in life has always been to not be my mother. Thankfully, alcoholism isn't something that I inherited. I never have been "black out" drunk and I know when to stop and switch to water. I like drinking OCCASIONALLY, but overall. it's not my most favorite thing and it's just empty calories that make me feel sick the next day. I really need to be in the mood to want to drink.
I personally don't get the allure of partying or drinking in public. I have never made out or "been with" a stranger. I have never grinded on a stranger or been drunk outside of someone's home. I have never really lost control of myself, even when drunk.
I have a little voice in my head as I'm drinking that tells me not to do stupid stuff and makes me drink water after a certain point. That voice doesn't magically appear when I've been drinking; it is ALWAYS there. I ALWAYS think of what could happen (part of the anxiety thing). I ALWAYS prepare for EVERYTHING. It's what makes me a good event planner/coordinator, but a horrible partier. I am incapable of ever letting myself go wild (I'm probably a control freak) and that isn't a bad thing.
I am not sorry that I am this way.
5. I am NOT sorry that I can be a bit of a control freak.
I ADMIT IT: I have a control freak side. I have fought against that phrase and this side of me for a long time and I give up. I don't try to control people or their lives, but I do stay in control of me and my life. It's a part of that "growing up in a shitty home" thing that I mentioned above- I had to maintain control at all times. I had to control my sister's life to an extent to make sure that she didn't end up like me (emotionally crippled and anxiety ridden). I had to try to control her temper tantrums. I had to try to steer my mother. I had to keep situations under control and I never got a break. It's no wonder to me that months after I left, my mother completely relapsed into drinking and that her and my dad broke up and she was kicked out of the house; I was the one who had been holding everything together. I was under a constant strain from ages 4-19 (bear in mind that I am only 24 right now) and it is not surprising that that left its mark.
All I ever knew was stress, needing to be in control, and suppressing my emotions at all times. Is it any WONDER to ANYONE that I am the way I am? It's a wonder to me that I turned out as well as I did.
6. I fall victim to peer pressure more than I care to admit.
Apparently, "just have a drink" works on adult me and not teenage me. I have a very hard time saying no to my friends/family when they encourage me to drink/eat. It sucks and I need to learn to say no.
...these are the parts of me that I hate and I am done hating or denying them. They are a part of who I am today and they are the byproduct of circumstances that were *gulp* beyond my control. I am who I am and I can't deny it anymore. I can't try to be someone that I'm not and I won't apologize for it.
This is all stuff that I have a hard time explaining or saying out loud and posting it here is enabling me to come to terms with it and explain it to my friends. Yes, this is very personal and very painful to share, but I think it's worth it if even one person can relate to it or if even one friend understands me better.
<3 - CFC