Not sure how many of you have read any of my Facebook posts, but here's an update for those who haven't: I gained all the weight back. All of it and some extra just for good measure. I feel like a bloated cow. As you can probably guess, I am uncomfortable and my self esteem is very low/fragile right now. This is only partially related to why I cried today, but I felt that knowing this helps explain the story a bit more.
For most of my life, I have had issues with my feet- specifically, the right one. I've always had to make sure that I wear good shoes with an arch (I jokingly refer to it as my old lady arch), but I still have issues. For the last three weeks or so, my right foot has been hurting and in a way that it hasn't before. No matter what I did, it kept hurting; so I scheduled an appointment with a podiatrist (only took me 8 years of chronic pain to think that MAYBE there might be a problem and that MAYBE I wasn't just constantly hurting myself).
I spoke to the doctor and he took some x-rays of my foot and SURPRISE! I have z-shaped feet!
I got home and SURPRISE AGAIN- I only own shoes with a flexible sole. Okay, no big- I'll just put the inserts in them and then will find some firm-soled shoes. It can't be that bad; my coworkers were only joking when they said that the shoes would be ugly. Hell, I made the same jokes and laughed about "old lady shoes" (because I am a terrible person).
Today I limped down to the Walking Company and asked about firm shoes with a high arch because I need support. THEY POINTED ME TO CLOGS. CLOGS, PEOPLE. I hate clogs (sorry to anyone that wears them, we all have different tastes). So here I am, looking at a whole selection of hideous shoes while any shoe I like at all and pick up has a flexible sole because the universe delights in upsetting me in little, stupid ways.
Do you ever have something small that starts a snowball of emotional reactions inside of you? This was that thing. I just stared at this wall of clogs and hideous shoes and felt my lower lip start to quiver and my eyes start to water and a flurry of thoughts began swirling in my mind. Not only am I too FAT for NORMAL, CUTE clothes, but now I have to wear ugly shoes too?! Isn't it bad enough that I have size 10 MONSTER feet? Do they also need to require CLOGS?! I feel bad for the sales people; I was not a happy customer but they seemed sadly use to the reaction.
My self esteem thoroughly smacked down, I am now sitting here with that headache that comes from trying not to cry, wallowing in a puddle of self-pity over something admittedly minor and stupid. No matter how many times I tell myself that it's stupid, it doesn't make me feel any better. I am apparently supposed to dress like a dowdy cow because I'm fat and now I can have a rockin' set of hooves in the form of clogs to match my bovine body.
Needless to say. I have not purchased new shoes yet and I don't want to look again today.
<3 - CFC