SC and I went to a concert last night! I'm counting the hour of dance as my physical activity, lol. Yes, that required a lol. I'm extremely tired this morning now.

As we were there and walking there (parking over a quarter mile away in the rain is a bad idea) I was thinking about how LAME it is that as two women, we have to be worried about being attacked. I've read a lot about this and there's not much I can add to it, but for those of you that haven't read about this sort of thing, I'll rant a little.

In our society (that's right, I said society) there's a lot of violence against women. There are a lot of assaults and rape and that's made a lot of women paranoid. I know I couldn't stop looking behind me and was freaked out that there was a man behind us the whole way (he was the only other person on the street).

Women, subconsciously and consciously, take a lot of precautions so as to avoid assault. Locking their doors right as they get into their cars, traveling in pairs at all times, keeping an eye out- it's exhausting. I spent most the night last night watching one creepy guy stare intensely at SC. We had to move to a crappier spot at the concert because of him.

I really hate that I can never really feel safe out by myself.

<3 - CFC

So I had a mini freak out after I shared this blog with my friends. I have never told ANYONE my weight and there it is, right in my bio for the whole world to see. I never told my BF how much I weighed or anything and I freaked out a wee bit because now he'll know that I actually weigh more than him. So I proceeded to text him (while he's deployed across the ocean) word vomit about how I never wanted to tell him how much I weigh because I thought he wouldn't be as attracted to me because I outweigh him and all this other word vomit (it was a long, long text). This was followed by a text explaining why the first was so long and rambling and that I can't move forward with being healthy if I can't face how unhealthy that I am or if I'm afraid of what he thinks.

His awesome and short reply? "I don't care how much you weigh as long as you're healthy and can walk up a hill."

Wow.

He's a keeper. :) Though now I have to go walk up hills so that when he comes back I can walk them with ease, lol. ("SEE?! I CAN WALK UP A HILL!" <- This is what I shall yell when he returns. Because I'm normal.)

I've gotten a ton of support from my friends already about how awesome they think this blog is and how amazing it is that I can put myself out there. I even made peace with someone from middle school (see bullying entry). I already feel so much better about myself and my life. It's not a secret anymore and people DON'T CARE. It's like this weight (is that a pun?) has been lifted off of my shoulders. I think I'm another step closer to accepting myself on a physical level- one step closer to looking in the mirror and thinking, "That's me and I'm beautiful just the way I am."

Thanks everyone. :) Your support means everything to me!

<3 - CFC

P.S.- Today MIGHT get two posts. I'll know when it's not 5:30am like it is right now. ;)

Baby steps.

That's how you make changes. One little step at a time. It's the same principal for how I've been dealing with my bf's deployment- each day is one day closer to seeing him as opposed to one more day without him.

I want to make a change in my life. I want to lose weight. I like being a big girl- a girl without curves is like jeans without pockets, you don't know where to put your hands. But I want to be healthy. I want to be a healthy weight, or at the very least be healthier. My blood pressure is a bit hard to control. I only recently got it down but I'm afraid it will go back up. I changed birth control and my new pill might make it go back up. So I need to work to keep it down. So losing weight and being healthier is one way.

I've decided to focus more on the physical aspect first. I don't make quite enough money to buy healthy, fresh food frequently (ALLITERATION!). So I'll start with counting calories so that I don't eat more than I need. I'm going to aim for 1,800 a day and limit sodium intake.

Next, I want to be active in some way for at least ten minutes a day for the next two weeks. I think that's a good start- Mondays and Wednesdays are already covered (swing dancing). :)

These are my baby steps. I'll report in tomorrow and we shall see what becomes of it. My bf said that if I can get to a 12 minute mile (I suck at running) before he gets back that we'll go on a cruise. I'm gonna argue for Disney Land for when we go on our little road trip. Anyways, I gotta work up to it!

<3 - CFC

Bullying. What comes to mind when you think of bullying? Kids pushing other kids down? Kids beating each other up? Name calling? Suicide from Cyber-Bullying? A fat kid getting made fun of?

While all of this is bullying, there is so much more to it than that.

I was bullied growing up. I was the new kid in middle school and everyone seemed determined to not let me forget that. I was called fat, I had stuff taken from me and broken, I was threatened and hurt. Bullying hurts in ways that aren't just physical; bullying leaves scars. I have always seen myself as a fat chick because that is what people have told me I am. I saw myself as my bullies told me to and it took years to stop feeling that way. Hell, I haven't even fully stopped. People say to just get over it- that you're beautiful the way you are  blah, blah, blah. You know what, people saying that? Shut the hell up. I may be beautiful the way I am, but other people keep not saying it and I sure as hell didn't feel like it in middle school.

There was a kid in middle school who we'll name JerkFace (JF). He was the worst of the bullies. Sure there were others that called me names, spread stories, and were just plain mean- but JF was special. He was a step above the others. JF rode my bus home with me every single day. He didn't always, but when he did I was terrified. I didn't want to talk and I didn't want people to notice me because then he might too. He liked to wear steel toed boots and kick me in the shins. He told me how he wanted to steal guns from his neighbor and kill me. I was terrified to tell anyone because he was so threatening. People say to tell- but have those people tasted the fear of an 11 year old girl that thinks she's going to be killed? My own mother called me fat and made me hate myself growing up. Who the hell was I supposed to tell? 

You may wonder how I got him to stop. One day he told me that he was going to kill my cat. I was about 13 at the time. I turned, looked him in the eye, and told him that if he ever touched my cat I would kill him. And damn it, I meant it. I knew where my parents kept their guns and I meant it. Did I kill him? No. He left me alone. He also grew up to be a pedophile and is in jail. The point is, it shouldn't have to come to that. I shouldn't have had to feel that killing someone (or even myself) was the way out.

The things that those bullies said and did still live with me. I've been told by many people that I have a beautiful singing voice. My mother told me I couldn't sing and a kid in Junior High told me I'm tone deaf. Who do you think I believed?

NEXT:

I keep seeing the picture below around the internet and I wanted to give my opinion on it and on bullying.

A lot of people think that bulling is just something that you can stop. If you stand up to a bully, they'll just go away, right? If you block them, they will stop. The bullies more often than not just switch to a new account and then the victim blocks it. You can't just stay off the computer in this day and age either.  It's hard and terrifying to stand up to someone bigger and stronger than you. It gets you hurt. You can't tell someone who's been bullied to just stand up for themselves.

Suicide isn't funny. Kids that have killed themselves from cyber bullying aren't wimps. Kids are fucking mean. I was terrified to go to school or walk around my neighborhood almost every day for years because of the same two people. I've been there. It isn't a fun place. It isn't funny. It isn't something to make a joke about. It's scary and it's real.

Suicide (and not those attempts that are cries for help) come about when it feels like it will never stop. All you want is for it (whatever "it" is) to stop. It's hard to ask for help. It's hard to show the pain. Internet bullying makes it worse because it really feels like it will never stop. To you it feels like tons of people from a bunch of accounts are all telling you they hate you. You block one, two more pop up. 

I'm twenty two years old and I still haven't gotten past being bullied. You don't get over it. It scars you. The pain doesn't stop, the mask you wear just grows thicker. Bullying is a real problem- one that you shouldn't just dismiss.

<3 - CFC

P.S. If you're bullied or have been bullied, there is a life after it. I talk about how the scars don't heal- they don't heal, but they do fade. I am someone that I love. I sing whenever I can and I love who I am. I didn't let the bullies drag me down because they were wrong. Sometimes it's a fight. Lord knows it damaged my self esteem. But I am who I am because of it. Let it make you stronger. Fight it. Be who you were meant to be and love who you are.

Hi all! CFC here. :) Apparently this blog has gotten SOME views. Hopefully they're not all just me trying to figure out setting up the bio and editing the page. That was fun: "How the mother do I do xyz?!" "Why does that look like that?!!!" "SONOFA-!"

ANYWAYS, I wanted to talk today about the little things I'm doing to get my mind off of being "fat" and how I'm focusing on other aspects of my physical being. I'll get to dealing with dealing with "fat" later.

WARNING: This may seem shallow to some people, but when you're battling self esteem issues, you sometimes have to be shallow to figure out how to start dealing with them. Yes, I will suggest make up and I will suggest changes, but only on a physical level (not like plastic surgery level or anything). You are who you are no matter what you look like. Who cares what other people think of how you look- this is about how YOU feel about how you look. These are little things I did/changed to start feeling better about MYSELF on a physical level. Once you've accepted yourself there, confidence can began to grow.

SO:
It started out with determining what about myself (physically) bothered me and whether or not I could actually change it. If I couldn't change it, I made myself look at it and say "this is who I am and I can't change this about myself. It's how I was made and it is beautiful just the way it is." Accepting the parts of yourself you legitimately can't change (defects, big nose, thigs like that) is important. Here's some of my list of things and what I did:

EYEBROWS: I utterly loathe and despise my eyebrows. They grow in light (I have dark hair- WTF?!) and the kind of grow out bushy on the ends instead of being in a nice pattern. Here's what I did to them:

• I got a little electric shaver (like the size of a pen) and trimmed my eyebrows on the sides. Now they are more of an arch shape.
• I got an eyeliner pencil that was close to my hair color (brown) and not super dark. I keep it sharpened so that I can pencil in my eyebrows. I don't do it super dark or make my eyebrows a different shape (now that they're trimmed). I just darken them.
• RESULT: My eyes (which I think are rather pretty) are more defined. I don't feel the need to wear eyeliner to define them as much. Now I'm okay with my eyebrows- they just need a little help.

LIPS: My lips bothered me. I love the shape of them, but they're SO PALE. I noticed when I wore lipstick, my face seemed less washed out. But lip stick comes off fast. I got Maybeline's Color Stay 24 lip gloss and now my lips have color all day. I got it in a shade that looks natural with my coloring and it close to what my lips look like when they're more colored.

HAIR: My hair just kind of hangs there. It's very straight and I never do anything with it. It parts straight and when I pull it back, I think it looks boring. First I tried dying it red, but that was more for fun and didn't help. So I bit the bullet and went to a stylist.

• She dyed my hair back to brown.
• She gave me layers so that my hair has "movement." It also lays nicer and I find it prettier. It's not so limp and boring.
• She gave me side bangs. Now when I pull my hair back, it always looks cute!
• She gave me good advice. I was using some gel in my hair to make it stop frizzing and lay down. This weighed it down and made it crunchy. Now I use leave in conditioner (makes it SO soft), a little bit of hair oil (to make it less frizzy), and I use a comb instead of a brush after I shower. I use a thermal protection spray and comb my bangs down as I dry them (same for my hair when I have time).

SHINY NOSE AND OILY SKIN: Powder and Clean and Clear Oil Absorbing Creme Cleanser. Bam.

THINGS I HAVE ACCEPTED:

• I will always be pale. I cannot tan and there is nothing wrong with liking your skin color.
• My head is huge. It cannot shrink. Boom. It has to hold my massive brain.
• My nose isn't nearly as big as I think it is. It look fine on my huge head and would look weird small.
• My big pores are staying. Whatever.
• Acne happens- I just gotta get over it.
• I have big feet- I never trip and fall. (Balance, man. Size 10's have their advantages.)
• I have weird feet. Where shoes with arch support and a non chafing heel and get over it.
• Bigger boobs aren't going to be perky. Get over it, CFC. Wear a decent bra.

These changes may seem small and petty, but when I look in the mirror, I don't just see a fat chick. I see someone pretty. I'm working with my "flaws" to make them apart of how I want to see myself. I want people to see me, not a bunch of make up. So I'm working to need less make up (read: full eyeliner and all) and just have bits of make up that help highlight my best features and detract from my flaws.

<3 - CFC

The products I just talked about/recommend. 

My super sexy eyebrows. It's hard to find a picture of myself before I started wearing eye makeup regularly. I don't wear it much anymore.

Why, hello shiny-nose and limp hair. How are you today?

This is RIGHT after I got my hair cut. I REALLY like it. I can't get it to lay exactly like that on my own, though. Stylists are magic. Note the shaped and dark eyebrows, the mouth that you can actually see, and non-shiny nose. I look fine without full make-up.

POKEBALL FLOWER! My hair has more volume now, in a good way instead of a "I AM POUFY AND FRIZZY" way.

As someone that has been fat for their whole life, I have a pretty good grasp of what it's like to be fat (maybe I should rename myself Captain Obvious?). Especially when your friends aren't. So here are some ramblings about what it's like living in the mind of a fat chick.

Background Info
I live with my best friend who is basically my sister. We'll name her SC for Skinny Chick. SC is small, thin, has huge boobs, an actual ass and hips, and everyone loves her. She's sweet, has a family that loves her and has supported her, and guys are attracted to her. I love her dearly, but she will never and can never understand what it feels like to feel fat and unattractive ALL THE TIME.

The "Joys" of Having Hot Friends
I do social dancing (dancing where you dance with a bunch of different people, like swing) with my friends and there have been so many times when SC and I will be sitting on the side and guys will just keep asking her to dance and I barely get asked once. All I can think is that it HAS to be because I'm fat and she's so perfect. It's really hard not to think like that all the time. It's one of those things that you have to keep fighting.

Further, I've had guys come talk to me or become my friend just for the sole purpose of trying to get with SC. It's infuriating and it makes it super hard to trust a guy's intentions when he wants to be your friend. It's like, are you just being nice to the fat friend because her friends are so hot?

Clothes
Oh my GAWD, I could rant about clothes forever. You go shopping and hold up an extra large and it's like, how the hell am I supposed to fit in that? That is clearly made for a skinny chick. Then you go to plus size and it's like, can't they make anything cute in MY size? And then every single brand of clothing sizes differently. My boyfriend bought me two corsets (I said I was fat, not ugly) online. I chose XXL just because I heard that their sizes run small. They don't FIT. They barely fit SC! I have a size L corset from Charlotte Russe that fits just fine and these stupid ones, fully unlaced, won't even fit around me. When you're fat, nothing fits right and sometimes clothes shopping can be hell.

<3 - CFC