I learned something very important about myself this holiday season: I have an inability to say no. For those of you that don't know me "in real life," I have always been considered a bit of a bitch. I'm the person who can be firm (or as SC condescendingly calls it, "mean") when the situation calls for it. If I don't want to do something, I won't (or wouldn't, I should say) do it (not counting work). I will say what needs to be said no matter how unpleasant because I am honest (again, SC would say that I'm "mean," though how mean can it be to say the cruel truths to someone when they NEED to hear them?).

The Story

This holiday season, I was over at my a family member's house on a Friday night (I can't remember why for the life of me) with my fiance. There were a bunch of people there (friends and family alike) and everyone was drinking (I wasn't- not out of morals, but because I just didn't want to that night) and being, well, rambunctious like we always are. To make a long story short, I really wanted to leave at around 11pm because I needed to get up early to take care of some stuff around the apartment and run some errands.

But, whenever I tried to leave, everyone kept putting me down. "Do you NEED to leave? It's not like to need to go to work or doing anything important! Stay!" and just belittling me and the things that I needed to do (such as going running). My drunken fiance was no help at all because he ignored me and wanted to stay too. I had worked all day, it had been a long week from hell, and I get really tired after 11pm nowadays because I am a fucking responsible adult and go to bed at a decent hour because I work early on weekdays. Sorry that I grew up.

I ended up staying until well past midnight, maybe even 1am, and not enjoying myself at all. I was not happy that my fiance had been drinking a LOT even though I had asked him not to so that he could drive home (I get road hypnosis pretty badly and it gets worse when I'm tired) and so that he wouldn't be an annoying ass. When I finally had enough and said that I wanted to leave, people were STILL calling me names while we were packing up and heading out the door. They were calling me an old lady and other stuff and I was just sick of it and exhausted. I also ended up driving home while fighting waves of exhaustion. 

Guess what? I ended up waking around noon because I was so tired and didn't get anything I needed to do done.

Do I sound a pissy? It's because I am. I am pissed that they kept doing that to me (it doesn't help that I get a new lecture every time I come over there lately). However, upon further angry reflection (I've made progress, but I can still hold grudges), I should have just flipped them all the bird and said no (maybe not that first part), so they're not entirely to blame.

The Realization

I started to think more about it and I realized something that, to me, is kind of awful: I CAN'T SAY NO ANYMORE. I use to be this headstrong person (or I thought that I was), but if something isn't major, I'll just keep saying yes to my own detriment. 

It's not just other people: I CAN'T SAY NO TO MYSELF AND NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach when I came to that realization. A chunk of my debt is because I couldn't say no to something I didn't need or couldn't afford. My weight is because I couldn't say no to offered food or food that I wanted. I can't say no when I think it's at all rude to do so. Yes, there are outside circumstances that made things worse (lay offs, hours cut, crappy childhood where food and shopping became comforts, blah blah blah) but those are just EXCUSES. I have a stable job and life now, I have no excuse! NONE!

A Promise

So I am making a promise to myself and to you, dear reader. I am going to start saying NO. I am going to stand up for myself, even when it's against myself. I am going to say no to myself when I want to over-indulge or want to skip something that I need to do. I am going to say no to offered food if I don't really want it or am not that hungry. I am going to say no when people try to get me to do something I don't want to (like stay over late). I have always been considered an assertive person, maybe it's time that I start to act like one.

JUST. SAY. NO.

<3 - CFC

Yes, you read that title correctly. Someone asked me if I was pregnant.

While looking for black skinny jeans, she shows me a stretchy pair-

Her: "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Me: "Sure."

Her: "Are you with child?"

Me: "No, I'm just fat." It was kind of funny how her smile froze in place with the realization of what she said.

My fiancé says that she was implying that the pants would stretch as I grow with pregnancy (they were these stretchy things) and wasn't implying anything, but honestly, how else do you take that? Your immediate thought would usually be "do I look pregnant?!" I thought the general rule was to NEVER EVER ASK.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep shopping after that? When I was younger, I would get really depressed clothes shopping and end up in tears because none of the "cool" clothes would fit me. As recently as this year, I would get extremely depressed when I went out shopping with friends because they could shop at the "skinny girls" stores and I couldn't (still can't). I would just wander away to a store I could actually fit in (but not afford because apparently fat girls are rich or something).

At first, after the girl asked if I was pregnant, when I looked in the mirror in the fitting room, all I could see was my fat stomach. How pudgy it is, how big it is. I swear it looked twenty times bigger than it did this morning. I couldn't see the person I am beyond that stomach. I couldn't see the girl that lost 24 pounds. I couldn't see the girl that finished a 5k in twenty one degrees. My awesomeness was overshadowed by a gut. All I could see was this massive stomach taking up the entire mirror.

I'm kind of glad to say, though, that since starting this body acceptance thing, I managed to keep shopping and I only got down for a little bit. Yes, I was more self conscious trying on clothes; but I didn't give up and leave in tears. I kept trying on clothes (in different stores) and managed a someway witty-ish retort to her question.

And guess what? I bought SIZE FOURTEEN PANTS. How's THAT for pregnant?!!! I use to be a size 20! Take THAT, foolish girl!

<3 - CFC

I'm kind of sad, honestly, that some of the above jokes exist.

For those of you that don't know, a "New Year's Resolutioner" (shown on the right) is someone that decides that their New Year's resolution is to "lose weight" or "work out more" or "be healthier" or anything else vague like that. Bear in mind that I am 100% FOR doing any of those things, HOWEVER (and I have totally done this myself more than once.... a lot more than once...), people make these big, lofty goals and then quit after a week or so because they're too hard to reach or they "don't have time." 

OF COURSE they're too hard to reach; they're vague and HUGE goals. If you want to reach ANY goal, any goal at all, you have to make smaller goals leading up to that big goal. That is how you make a huge goal achievable.

If something is important enough to you, you will MAKE time for it. Getting healthier was important to me, so I started using my lunch hour to go to the gym. I do Monthly Challenges to try to work on specific areas of my body each month (I've even broken up the workouts so that I could do them in the bathroom whenever I needed to go). There is time in there somewhere to do whatever it is that you want, be it writing a book, working out, reading more, or whatever. You just have to determine what it is that you need to sacrifice. That's right, reaching goals take SACRIFICE, which is something that I've noticed very few people want to do. I've always been about sacrifice (that sounds weird, just roll with it), so when I tied making sacrifices to sacrificing time to be active, it made sense and now I'm addicted.

For examples about small goals, take a look at my Progress Page (what it sounds like) and my Areas of Improvement page (where I write about the changes I've made/am making). Not to be a total ass and be like, "look at how great I am!" (because I'm not and I screwed up a LOT this past year), but as you can see, this is the first year where I actually wrote down my mini goals and tracked them and it's the first year EVER where I have stuck to ANYTHING. I never stick to things I set out to do (like this) and it's insane to me that I did it. Part of it is the tracking and part of it was that I made myself accountable to you, the reader. You may not care if I do well at whatever, but it doesn't mean that I want to tell you I failed. "Hello there Internet Stranger! I AM A FAILURE." Those two pages are living documents and I change them as I change, all in the pursuit of my overall lofty goals.

Basically, what I am trying to say can be summed up like this:

• Make small goals to reach your big ones.
• Sacrifice in order to make time.
• Do not quit immediately.
• Do not beat yourself if you stumble or quit for awhile; you don't have to wait until the New Year to make a change.
• Do not expect change to happen overnight.

In the fitness/meal prep community, there is a saying that I, and many others, follow that expresses my main point perfectly:

           “Fail to plan, plan to fail!”

According to my friend Google, the original quote ("If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!") was from Benjamin Franklin. If you do not make a plan to reach your goals (pre-making food, a workout plan, a balanced monthly budget, a basic plot for your book, etc), you will fail. 

Now get out there AND PLAN SOME CHANGES! :D

Happy Almost New Year,
<3 - CFC

O.M.G. A blog post when I’ve been constantly slammed?! I know, it seems too good to be true, lol. I missed you guys! :D This is going to be kind of rambling, so bear with me.

So as some of you may have noticed, I've gotten pretty into (read:obsessed with) fitness, which has put me into a bit of an awkward position. You see, I am for body acceptance of all sizes (no one should be actively shamed and hated just for their body), yet I now exist in this community that is ALL ABOUT changing your body.

On my personal FaceBook and Instagram accounts, I follow a LOT of fitness, health, clean eating, and transformation pages. As such, my news feeds are constantly full of slim, toned, and attractive (scantily clad) people. It’s called “fitspo,” or fitness inspiration. I have seen phrases such as "a moment on the lips is forever on the hips" and the like with these pictures, which makes it seem like it's all about losing weight and being thin.

On one hand, I love seeing people on the transformation pages that have gone from morbidly obese to fit because I know how much work it takes to commit to a new lifestyle and how painful it can be and those people are my freaking heroes. Anyone who decides to do something hard to better themselves (I’m talking about bettering their HEALTH, not LOOKS) is a champ in my world. It is incredibly hard to go from an unhealthy lifestyle to a healthy one. I’ve seen/heard of people that couldn’t even walk anymore being able to run again. I’ve seen/heard of people working through disabilities and diseases and those people just astound me because I don’t know that I could ever do that if I were in their shoes. That right there fills me with such fierce joy, pride for the person, and determination that I can barely contain it. It is truly inspirational.