But then I got to thinking about all the people that have commented on my blog and have talked about being discriminated against in stores. I thought about all the times in my life that I've been bullied or put down just because I am bigger. I thought about how whenever I go to the doctor they shame me because of my weight and make it seem like I'm some sort of degenerate; the way that the nurses and doctors look at me is embarrassing. I guess that I got so use to it that I didn't even think about it anymore until I started this blog and read the article Nightwing sent me. I'm fat and I believe that some part of me thought that that meant I was worth less than a thin person.
Whenever I go to a store, I can rarely fit in anything unless they have larger sizes. Whenever I go to the doctor, they tell me to lose weight. Members of my own FAMILY have told me to lose weight. Family is supposed to love you as you are (though mine isn't exactly the nicest family around) and members of mine were making me feel worthless.
For a very long time, I hated myself because I am fat. I hated myself because people told me to hate myself.
How many guys have become my friend for the sole purpose of flirting with SC? How many men have bypassed me to hit on my skinnier friends? How many guys prefer dancing with my skinnier friends and never ask me, not even once? How many people growing up put me down because I am bigger, including my own family? How many doctors have told me to lose weight even though I don't really have any health issues? How many times in my wretched childhood and teen years did I think that my life would be better if I just weighed less? How am I supposed to love myself with all of these people making me feel different?
You know what? I am PISSED OFF.
Reading that article made me realize something- we ARE discriminated against. It's something that I've just learned to accept and have adjusted to accordingly. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ADJUST TO IT! There is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING wrong with me because of my size. I should NEVER have to feel anything less than AWESOME just because some jerks say I'm worth less than others.
Some people really ARE bigger. We live in a society where being thin is considered the norm and being fat is considered a disease. I don't have a disease. I am a fat chick and I am damn proud of who I am! I have worked my ass off trying to get to where I am in life and I should never feel ANYTHING less than pride in myself and in my life.
When I look back on who I use to be, it saddens me. No one (and I do mean no one) knows that I (half-jokingly) told myself that if I ever hit 200 pounds, I would kill myself. I hit 200 pounds and remembered what I said and I got a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is that really what I use to think? I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my weight. I thought that I was disgusting because I was (and am) so big.
Sure, I'm still trying to lose weight but for me, it's a health thing (which kind of contradicts what I said above, but whatever- it's my blog). I go to the gym so that I can get in better shape to keep up with my friends. I am eating better so that I can live longer. Weight loss is more of a side effect for me. I KNOW that a portion of my weight is because I use to eat really, really badly and that I wasn't active at all (crap childhood and a wee bit of depression, I believe, made that so). I want to lose some of the weight that I KNOW came from a bad lifestyle, but I will NEVER be thin. I will ALWAYS be big because that is who I am physically and I can't change it.
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE IT.
<3 - CFC