I imagine that the title of this post confuses some of you, so allow me to explain a bit.
My best friend, whom I dubbed SC on here (which stands for Skinny Chick, because I am original and super great at making up code names), and I have been inseparable for years. We have been friends since 5th grade and best friends since 10th. Everything we did, we did together. We were each just a part of the whole, for the most part. It was never just CFC or just SC- it was always SC and CFC (people used our real names, of course).
After high school, I left my not-so-great home and lived with SC in her room at her parents' house for about a year and a half. We celebrated birthdays and holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc) together, worked at the same places, and shared our problems. We were basically like a married couple minus the romance and stuff like that. For instance, when she had an issue with her bank account, I said something along the lines of "it's okay, we'll get through it" and started to think of how we could get more money.
Did I mention that it was her bank account and that I treated it as if it were my problem? She does the same thing with me. Well, did. It's different now.
We moved away from home and lived together up in Bellingham to attend college. We went to the same middle school, junior high, high school, community college, and university together. I remember SC saying that when she ran into some friends of ours in Bellingham, they exclaimed "Look! It's one half of SC and CFC!" I'm telling you, we were attached at the hip.
I tended to (and sometimes still do) speak about myself in the plural form because I was a part of a whole. I used words such as "us" and "we" all the time (because I'm royalty, apparently). We talked every day and had what we called the "psychic link/bond" because we could basically read each other's minds. We have a cat together, shared all of our stuff, bought stuff together, and oddly enough I'm marrying her cousin.
The point is, we were TIGHT.
I got laid off. It was about our fifth (?) year of living together when I lost my job in Bellingham. We'd been friends for about 13 years at this point. I applied frantically for weeks, trying to find anyone that would hire me in the area. Bellingham was my first REAL home, a place that was really and truly mine. I had friends there and knew where everything was. I hadn't felt at home anywhere since I was four years old and I was terrified of having to leave for work reasons.
Long story short, I was downtown with my then boyfriend (now fiance) and SC when I got a job offer. In Bellevue. At first I was really excited, but I quickly realized what it meant and I burst into tears right there in the car. I was devastated. I was going to have to leave Bellingham within days.
I packed up what I would need and I went and stayed at SC's parents' house so that I could drive to Bellevue while I looked for a place to live. It wasn't so bad at first, because I would come up on weekends to pack and see everyone. But I cried almost every night when I wasn't in Bellingham. We had never been apart for more than a week and it felt like part of me was just gone. Hell, I'm tearing up as I type this. I remember when I moved into another house temporarily, laying in my bed and pretending that I was back in my Bellingham room. It was pathetic.
I had some potential interviews in Bellingham, but I was already mostly moved by the time they called and I decided to try to be my own person instead. I had felt suffocated before I moved. Have you ever been just a part of a person? It can get hard because no one really SEES you. However, once I moved, it felt like there was nothing left. No one called me or texted me or cared that I was gone. SC is shit at keeping in touch, so I felt abandoned. No one (by no one I mean not a lot of people and none of them were from Bellingham) would come to the parties I tried to have. I have since given up trying to host parties at my place.
I lost my way and stopped working out and eating right. I let the introvert half of me take over and I just withdrew from life internally. I was having a hard time making friends and I spent all of my time with my fiance because there was no one else.
When my best friends from Bellingham and I went on a road trip to California for a friend's wedding a few months later, I was ecstatic to get to see them. However, once the trip began, I felt like I wasn't a part of the group anymore. I felt as if I had become a group of one while the three of them (SC included) were their own entity. I was so lonely. We use to always be together and suddenly we were strangers. I don't think that they ostracized me intentionally, but they had closed ranks in my absence and I couldn't get back in.
After always being just one half of a whole, suddenly I was just a half all by myself and I thought that I was going to disappear. For some reason, I thought that the people I left behind would care that I was gone and I was so wrong. I barely made a ripple when I left.
Things are different now. I don't feel as close to SC or the Bellingham Besties as I did before, but I've learned to accept it. She has her own life and new friends and that's good. It's been almost three months since that road trip and I think that I'm doing better. I have a new (better) job in downtown Seattle, but still have friends from the Bellevue job. I work out almost every day, which seems to make me happier all around (I <3 dopamine and endorphins, lol). I'm getting married soon and have another cat (TAC for Tactical Assault Cat) to keep me company when my hubby-to-be deploys.
However, it's still really weird that SC doesn't know crap about my life anymore, comparatively. Before, we knew every single piece of clothing that the other owned (right down to bras and panties) and knew all of the same people and had the same friends (mostly). Now she has whole outfits that I have never seen before and when we do talk, it's about people that we both don't know. It's still kind of alien to be my own person; I catch myself saying "we" or "us" sometimes, but not nearly as often.
Don't get me wrong, SC and I are still really close; it's just not the same kind of closeness. We're two separate people now, which I guess is a good thing since we're growing up. She's in Bellingham still and working there and I'm down here, preparing for life as an Air Force Wife, taking care of my own place, and training for a 5K. I have my own life now and my own friends. I am my own person.
Even though I was sad for months, I'm a lot happier now. It's really kind of nice being my own person because people get to know ME, to see ME, instead of just seeing one part of a whole. I always felt overshadowed by SC (and oddly, she felt the same way about me) but now, people like me for me and not for her and me together.
I'm an individual now. It's an amazing, heartbreaking thing to be, but I'm sure that I'll get use to it. Or just merge with my hubby. Either way. XD
<3 - CFC