Buckle in people, I'm angry blogging. Welcome back to my blog, here is some rage.

Have you ever posted or said something negative as a way of venting only to have people want you to be positive? How dare you post or say what you're really thinking, don't you know that you can only be happy? This is a negativity free zone, thanks.

I had a bad weekend recently where my biological father (that I only met back in 2013) said ANOTHER hurtful and terrible thing to me. He likes to wait for any holiday or major event to do this for maximum impact. I posted on Facebook (I know, I know- vaguebooking is bad but pain isn't always rational) saying to not meet your parents if they weren't in your life because you would regret it. This is my truth right now and I am not in a mindset where I can care if it isn't yours. I'm upset and I am hurting. I need to let these emotions have their time.

Instead of getting support (this was my private page with only friends on it), people felt the need to instead tell me to be positive and that what I said isn't true for everyone and that they themselves had a good, complicated, or whatever experience when they met their estranged parents. Rather than start yelling at everyone (I'm in a lashing out phase so I've quarantined myself), I deleted the post. I can't deal with it right now.

Yes, I said an absolute statement. It is a platform where people can comment. But right now, I am in PAIN and I wanted to let out my pain and maybe talk about it- all vaguebooking really is is a cry for help into the void and hoping someone will hear you.

I do not want to be positive right now. I do not want to hear about how other people have parents that aren't terrible people or about how their experience was better than mine. I want to GRIEVE. I want to let the hurt have its time. I am angry and I deserve to be angry.

You see it all the time on social media- the positivity police. "Look on the bright side!" "Think positively!" I'm sure I've been guilty of it too. Here's the thing- I know first hand that bottling things up isn't good for you; I had to do it for 15 years and I've been in therapy for ages now. It. Isn't. Healthy.

Pretending to be happy and bubbly all the time isn't healthy because you're denying your emotions, which ultimately makes them fester. Sure, you can't just emotion vomit everywhere, but in your own personal space (both online and IRL), you shouldn't have to be anything but yourself. If you see someone hurting, you should reach out to them, not immediately try to force your opinion on them or try to make them be positive/happy when they aren't ready to be. Ask them if they're okay and just LISTEN. You're not there to fix it unless they ask you to. This is something I've worked really hard to try to be better at myself, which is why I simply deleted the comment and wrote this blog instead. It's helping me vent.

For right now, I'm going to let my pain run its course without trying to be happy about what's good in my life. The good things will still be there when I've moved on in a day. Or two days. Or however long it takes me to get out of the hole I was thrown back into. I thought I had filled the "Why doesn't my mommy love me and why didn't my daddy want me?" hole years ago but here we are. Grief is funny that way. People make fun of the word "triggered" all the time, but I am legitimately triggered right now. I'm that child who cried herself to sleep almost every night for 15 awful years all over again and I need time to find my way back.

Just let people have their grief. It isn't healthy to try to ignore it.

<3 - CFC

I started therapy quite awhile ago. I see a very nice lady named Gina Guddat one to two times a month. We talk about my issues with my mother (who was abusive), my shitty childhood (see abusive mother earlier), my work, my life, my weight issues/health (she use to be a personal trainer), whatever. Having someone to talk things out with generally helps put things in perspective and helps me learn things about myself. It's great. I recommend a counselor/therapist for everyone. 

I don't really want to share the following bit of information I found out with her and have only told a few people. There is a lot of stigma about mental health and I have already had one person tell me essentially that they do not think that I have the disorder my therapist and I believe I have. I was very ashamed when it was first brought up and it made me feel like I am broken. It made me feel like my mother won, she broke me. *takes a deep breath*

I HAVE PTSD. There. I said it.

Admittedly, I have pretty mild PTSD but hey, it's still there. If you have any comments about how I've never been in war so I can't possibly have PTSD, I want you to leave my blog right now and never come back. Go on. Go. Still here? Awesome.

PTSD can happen to anyone for a LOT of reasons. Hell, you can get PTSD from childbirth! It doesn't mean you're crazy. It doesn't mean you're dangerous. It means that you were under a lot of stress and that can mess with your brain. It does NOT mean you are weak.

FURTHERMORE, I HAVE OCD. SURPRISE.

This one I always suspected, but didn't really think I had. Turns out, OCD isn't just the people obsessed with germs or the people who have to lock the door 8 times (those people are experiencing more severe symptoms). We stumbled upon this while trying to figure out things I can eat (more on that later) because I have A LOT of texture aversions. Also, I have a lot of obsessive little quirks because I'm cool and fun at parties.

I was a bit upset about this diagnosis as well, because it's like, really? Do I need another thing? Then it spiraled out to "Wait, is this why I'm so weird? Is this why it's hard for me to make friends or why people don't always enjoy my company? Is this one of the reasons why I am so lonely? IS THIS THE REASON WHY I CAN NEVER BE NORMAL?!" It's been a blast, really.

The good news is that both disorders are very mild and it's not like I just suddenly have them. It's more like I can finally give a name my enemy (though honestly, mild OCD is useful if you can get yourself stuck on healthy things).

I blogged quite awhile ago about how I am insulin resistant. That hasn't changed- that's for life. I started taking metformin (you may recognize it as a medication for diabetics- I do not have diabetes...yet) under my old doctor and my new doctor doubled the dose (which has a dreadful transition period). I've started going to the doctor every three months to have my blood drawn and to monitor things. ​That's right. EVERY. THREE. MONTHS. I hate needles, so it's been a real treat.

Further, I became a pescatarian earlier this year, which means the only meat I eat is fish. I chose to do this for moral reasons and because I learned that cows have best friends (I gave up beef/pork last year). I was hoping to transition to full vegetarian at some point, but that is looking less likely.

​I went to the doctor today for a blood draw, as has been my life lately. My A1C is improving (it's something to do with blood glucose), so I have that going for me. I asked my doctor what I needed to do to get off the metformin and she told me I would have to be able to stabilize my insulin levels on my own. She also said there is a very real possibility that I will never be off of the medication.

She also said, and I appreciate this, that this is not my fault. For my body, carbohydrates are like poison. I can't process them correctly and that is because I was born like this. Everything wrong with me is just the perfect storm to make me the way I am. 

It's better for me to take the metformin than to become actually diabetic (again, terrified of needles... and death). She told me not to feel defeated, but honestly, it's hard not to. 

We then moved on to discuss my (and here is where the TMI really comes into play) GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES. I have had issues my entire life with digesting food (maybe I'll leave it at that) and she thinks it sounds like I might have IBS- IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME! #sexyandiknowit

Due to this and my potential for sexy, sexy diabetes, she gave me two different food lists to help with both issues- one for my GI issues (called the Low FODMAP food chart) and another for my hateful insulin resistance (low carb). We will now be meeting monthly (though the blood draw will still be every three months) to monitor how these changes work for me. This brings me to my next point in this babbling rant of mine-

I hate food. I mean, I love food, but man, I HATE food. Those two lists above? I have to go through and try to only eat on the "can eat" part of each list. That is not a lot of flipping food (I already miss bread). You know what else is fun? I DON'T EAT MOST MEAT EITHER. 

Also, super fun- I AM BECOMING LACTOSE INTOLERANT. That's a great thing to find out the hard way. I can still eat cheese right now, but for how long? 

I feel this constant, frustrated urge to scream "WHAT DO I EAT, THEN?" into a void somewhere, but that's not productive.

​It's just utterly maddening that every time I turn around, we find a new thing wrong with me and a new food I shouldn't eat. It's like my body hates me. It's absolutely miserable. It doesn't help that everyone and their mother wants to comment on the fact that I don't eat meat; I hear the same five jokes on repeat and it is NOT helping with the frustration. Yes, I chose not to eat meat, but c'mon people, it's not like I give you a hard time for eating the remains of a slaughtered and abused animal (though I suppose you could interpret this comment that way). Just leave me a long to eat my fake meat and plants.

I will be real here, I am not feeling super positive right this moment. I AM slowly transitioning into a more positive person (I feel that I would have been stupidly bubbly if I hadn't been abused by my mother), but that doesn't help me right away.

I keep reminding myself that my issues are all mild and it could be SO much worse, but first I find out that my feet are jacked up (the post about z-shaped feet has more details), then the metformin and insulin resistance came to light, then PTSD, then OCD, and now IBS? Seriously? Admittedly, my issues have always been there, they're just now getting names. It just feels like a lot and I hate restricting food. I also hate needles and feeling like my insides are on fire, so I guess there has to be a trade off. At least a change in diet might fix things and I won't need more medication.... probably.

I bought this super cool, rainbow-sparkle unicorn planner today (an impulse purchase when I went to Michael's to walk around to help make myself feel better) and will have to start meal planning. There is no other way when learning a new way to eat; I have to learn what I can make with what I have been given. My doctor also recommended a cookbook on Mediterranean Paleo Cooking, so I'll have to give that a shot.

If I just work through my weird, OCD food hangups and try, maybe I can fix everything just by changing what I eat. But it's going to be super hard. 

I feel like I will probably blog more about how this all goes.

​<3 - CFC

Hullo everyone,

Not sure how many of you have read any of my Facebook posts, but here's an update for those who haven't: I gained all the weight back. All of it and some extra just for good measure. I feel like a bloated cow. As you can probably guess, I am uncomfortable and my self esteem is very low/fragile right now. This is only partially related to why I cried today, but I felt that knowing this helps explain the story a bit more.

For most of my life, I have had issues with my feet- specifically, the right one. I've always had to make sure that I wear good shoes with an arch (I jokingly refer to it as my old lady arch), but I still have issues. For the last three weeks or so, my right foot has been hurting and in a way that it hasn't before. No matter what I did, it kept hurting; so I scheduled an appointment with a podiatrist (only took me 8 years of chronic pain to think that MAYBE there might be a problem and that MAYBE I wasn't just constantly hurting myself).

I spoke to the doctor and he took some x-rays of my foot and SURPRISE! I have z-shaped feet!

What are z-shaped feet, you may ask? They are, as I like to call them, "funny shaped feet." Per the x-ray above (that I got from Google images and isn't mine), the bones of my feet grow in a "z" shape and not straight out like NORMAL people's feet. The doctor recommended that I only wear firm shoes and that I get some orthotic inserts. Okay, simple enough. I'm use to my janky feet, how bad can it be? Sure, the shoe he held up as an example was hideous, but it was just an example, so I ignored it.

I got home and SURPRISE AGAIN- I only own shoes with a flexible sole. Okay, no big- I'll just put the inserts in them and then will find some firm-soled shoes. It can't be that bad; my coworkers were only joking when they said that the shoes would be ugly. Hell, I made the same jokes and laughed about "old lady shoes" (because I am a terrible person).

Today I limped down to the Walking Company and asked about firm shoes with a high arch because I need support. THEY POINTED ME TO CLOGS. CLOGS, PEOPLE. I hate clogs (sorry to anyone that wears them, we all have different tastes). So here I am, looking at a whole selection of hideous shoes while any shoe I like at all and pick up has a flexible sole because the universe delights in upsetting me in little, stupid ways.

Do you ever have something small that starts a snowball of emotional reactions inside of you? This was that thing. I just stared at this wall of clogs and hideous shoes and felt my lower lip start to quiver and my eyes start to water and a flurry of thoughts began swirling in my mind. Not only am I too FAT for NORMAL, CUTE clothes, but now I have to wear ugly shoes too?! Isn't it bad enough that I have size 10 MONSTER feet? Do they also need to require CLOGS?! I feel bad for the sales people; I was not a happy customer but they seemed sadly use to the reaction.

My self esteem thoroughly smacked down, I am now sitting here with that headache that comes from trying not to cry, wallowing in a puddle of self-pity over something admittedly minor and stupid. No matter how many times I tell myself that it's stupid, it doesn't make me feel any better. I am apparently supposed to dress like a dowdy cow because I'm fat and now I can have a rockin' set of hooves in the form of clogs to match my bovine body.

Needless to say. I have not purchased new shoes yet and I don't want to look again today.

<3 - CFC

Hello everyone! I have a few blogs in the draft phase and am looking at getting back into blogging (I swear I've said that before, but honestly, I got married, bought a house, and then my company was acquired. Cut me some slack).

I wanted to share something cool with you! It's my first ever work blog! I wrote this blog for my work to enter into a contest (most page views wins). I hope to be able to write more for them just for fun. 

Here it is (...click the big pink button)!: 

I hope that you guys like it! It's "Disaster Recovery: When the Cloud Beats Physical Backups."

Stay tuned!

<3 - CFC

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't been on in a LONG time. I have multiple excuses:

1. I got married.
   
2. I bought a house. (Getting a mortgage is very painful. I swear it's all I did for two months.)
   
3. I am presently moving into said house. (Why don't we have teleporters yet?)
4. My work is trying to kill me and possibly succeeding. *dies quietly in the corner*
   

This is going to be kind of long (a lot of friends and family wanted to know what happened). Let's dive right into this thing, shall we?

Sexy, Sexy Insulin Resistance: Where This Adventure Started
I had my first physical last summer and my first ever blood test. It was mildly traumatic because I don't like the doctor. My new doctor is pretty cool, though, so I'll be going back every year like a normal, functioning adult. After talking with me and examining me, my doctor said that he believes I have insulin resistance:

"Insulin resistance is a condition in which the body produces insulin but does not use it effectively. When people have insulin resistance, glucose builds up in the blood instead of being absorbed by the cells, leading to type 2 diabetes or prediabetes.

....In insulin resistance, muscle, fat, and liver cells do not respond properly to insulin and thus cannot easily absorb glucose from the bloodstream. As a result, the body needs higher levels of insulin to help glucose enter cells.
The beta cells in the pancreas try to keep up with this increased demand for insulin by producing more. As long as the beta cells are able to produce enough insulin to overcome the insulin resistance, blood glucose levels stay in the healthy range." (Source)

He wanted me to go on the Glycemic Load Diet to head off diabetes and PCOS, which I have fledgling symptoms for. I even read and loved his book The Glycemic Load Diet (I'm such a nerd that I had him sign it <3). I was going to quote the book in this blog, but it's packed away somewhere and I can't find it to save my life. Basically, the glycemic load diet is where you can eat just about anything and don't restrict calories BUT you're not supposed to exceed 500 on the glycemic load table daily. You generally avoid/limit starches such as rice and bread. You can see the list here. Think of it as a sort of low-carb diet.

The human body was never meant to eat as much starch as we do. It should have been really easy for me to follow and it was, for awhile. He also wanted me to walk for about 30 minutes a day to activate the slow twitch muscles in my body to get them to process insulin better. I can't explain it very well, but here's an article. These muscles are supposed to be active and process insulin. Due to my genetics and lifestyle, mine stay dormant and take longer to turn on and process insulin (I am probably butchering this and simplifying it too much. Remember: I AM NOT A DOCTOR).

The Not So Sexy Intense Cravings
Sometime in December of 2014, I kind of let go and ate whatever. It was the holidays! WOO! Food everywhere! Something happened in that time (I have a theory as to the specific incident since this incident had me crying for a week, but every time I try to talk openly about things that happen on here, people claim that I'm attacking them. Just know that someone hurt me) that triggered me to keep eating with abandon. Stress and poor decisions and Lord knows what else led to me to start having extremely intense cravings for sugary foods. Have you ever had a craving so bad, so intense, that you cried as you tried to fight it? I have. It was awful. I wanted something along the lines of cookies and candy so bad that I cried as I ate grapes and a banana and tried to eat enough natural sugars to make it stop. It was truly awful and it did not stop until I gave it what it want.

Work picked up and I stopped taking lunches to meet the demand. I stopped being active as the amount of stress in my life kept increasing (hello house buying!). As I neglected myself and became more and more painfully stressed, my cravings became stronger and stronger. I've been hiding cookies and candy in my car so that my husband can't see. I have gained around 10 pounds. It has been truly awful (which is the only word I can think of to describe this sensation). It's like having a monster ruling in my head with me and I cannot vanquish it.

I went from eating well and being active to out of control with no idea how to stop myself. I will be mid-binge trying to tell myself to stop, but the compulsion is so strong that I don't stop until the food is gone. It's been almost three months and I just can't do it alone anymore. I cannot protect myself from myself. The monster in my head is too strong and I can't fight it.

Reaching Out For Help
I started out thinking that this was due to feelings. I've been self-medicating with food since I was a child (I had an.... unpleasant childhood) and have a long history of suppressing emotions, which lead to me being emotionally stunted for awhile. I had to learn how to properly process and handle emotions as an adult.

I purchased The Food and Feelings Workbook and began to work towards breaking the link between food and feelings (hence the title). I cannot recommend this book enough, even if you don't have issues with food. It's amazing and I love it. I try to work in it a bit every day and it has helped me a great deal in the emotional realm. I have had some great breakthroughs and have been working on stress management with it.

Despite my progress on the emotional front, the cravings were still there. They weren't just coming when I was having any particular feeling; they appeared randomly. It felt that all my work was doing nothing.

I was starting to seriously think that I had developed Binge Eating Disorder. I was getting increasingly worried that this was how my life was going to be forever. How can I fight myself? I like to think that I'm a pretty strong person, so this weakness was really hurting my pride. I began to look into support groups at NEDA, which is kind of a big deal for me since I NEVER reach out for help. Nothing seemed like a good fit, though (I'm not a 12 steps with God and restrictive dieting kind of girl). The support groups for Ramey Nutrition seemed like they would be good, but the times didn't work. I reached out to therapists, but not a lot of them worked with eating disorders or could work with my work schedule. I was losing hope when I finally decided to reach out to Ramey Nutrition again.

My Initial Assessment
I scheduled an initial assessment and had it yesterday. I was nervous going in and I secretly wanted to have an eating disorder; I wanted something to fight and I desperately wanted it to not be all my fault. I didn't want to hear that I was weak.

I spoke with Mike Lynch there and I really liked him. I told him about my past and about what I'd been doing. He asked me about my cravings and medical history. I am probably going to butcher what he said here, but I will try my best. I think I will bring a notebook next time. I want to stress that I have only had ONE session, so nothing is set in stone. Right now, we basically have some theories.

He said that some of what I described does sound like an eating disorder, but he doesn't think I have one. I didn't think I did either, if I'm being honest. He said that it sounds like I've been having (here's where I'm gonna butcher it) cravings because my blood sugar gets low and my body suddenly needs sugar. Part of me goes primal (fight or flight) and I associate sugar needs with cookies and junk. My cells are starving and they will NOT be ignored. Basically, my metabolism is whacked. It sounds like hypoglycemia, which wouldn't surprise me because sometimes, when I let myself get too hungry, I get kind of dizzy-ish and sick feeling until I eat something. I don't usually get that  a lot anymore, but it has happened. When I told him that my doctor said I had insulin resistance, he said that he'd already determined that from talking to me.

I brought up that I had secretly hoped that I had an eating disorder and that I was terrified that he would tell me that I had no willpower. He gave me some homework then. He told me about the difference between self-control and willpower and wanted my to explore that, which I will do in the next section of this blog. I have another session scheduled for Wednesday next week. I asked him to help me come up with an easy exercise plan that didn't have me at the gym for two hours a day like I did when I was following other plans.

I'm kind of relieved that it's not all just ME and my lack of strength. I am excited that I have someone that can help me through this and help keep my accountable while I work with him.

MY HOMEWORK BONUS: Will Power vs Self-Control
First, let's see what the dictionary has to say:

Willpower: the faculty by which a person decides on and initiates action.
Self-Control: the ability to control oneself, in particular one's emotions and desires or the expression of them in one's behavior, especially in difficult situations.

Huh. That's basically what he said. Will power is what you use to do the things that you WANT to do. I have used my willpower to get ahead. I have used it to loose weight and work on health. I have used it to get a good career, a house, and the life I ALWAYS wanted and that I thought I deserved. I am not weak. I just have weaknesses.

Self-control is what we use to keep from doing the things that we don't necessarily want to do, like when I keep from screaming at customers. It's what I will use as I work towards changing my life for the better and working to stop bad behaviors.

I will use self-control to get back to the life I was enjoying. I loved being active. I took my lunches no matter what and rarely skipped them (I used my lunch to workout). I will use willpower to make sure I go to the gym again and become more active. When I was active, I didn't have a lot of cravings. I WANTED to eat healthy all the time. It helped me relieve stress.

Thanks for sticking with me through this long and rather rambling article. I will work very hard to get back to where I was. I will learn more about my body and metabolism and about what I need to do to fix it.

<3 - CFC

If you think that you have an eating disorder or you need help, please reach out. Tell someone you trust. You can go to www.nationaleatingdisorders.org for resources. They can help you get the help that you need.

Hi everyone!

I don't know about you, but I tend to be busy A LOT, which is one of the reasons why I don't blog as much as I did before. 

I wanted to share a cool site/app that my friend introduced me to that has helped me out a LOT with my productivity issues. It's helped me to form new habits, break bad ones, and get a better daily routine going. I use it constantly as my to-do list because I can use it on my iPhone, Android tablet, and regular computer. I present to you:

If you don't identify as a nerd/geek like I do, bear with me; it's really cool.

What it Is
You have a character that is you like you would in a regular RPG. You complete daily tasks, to do's, and enforce good habits to level up, gain gold, and get stronger. (You can learn more from their original KickStarter.) You can buy gear to change your stats, join a party, and go on quests for rewards (either alone or with a party). You can have pets and mounts and I <3 it. The quests are really fun because you battle monsters. You damage them by doing your dailies/to dos and, if you're a warrior or mage, you can cast spells to damage them! Rogues and healers can cast spells too, but they have other roles that support the party. Mages and warriors attacks, rogues help collect more items, and healers.... heal.

You can set rewards that you can give yourself (like chocolate or whatever) when you earn enough gold to buy them or you can use gold to buy items like equipment. 

Me!
This is my character, Felicity Fireborn. I am a mage and in a small party. This shows my health (if it reaches 0 I die), experience, and mana (energy to cast spells).

This is a screenshot of part of my tasks page:

Habits: + if you do well, - if you do bad (i.e. ate junk food is a - and avoided it is a +, depending on your goals)
Dailies: This is a list of tasks that you do every day or that you have scheduled for specific days.
To-Dos: This is legit your to do list. 

A Few More Details
It's free and open source, but you can pay $5 each month for a few, cool benefits. I subscribe because it's done a LOT to help me out and I want to support the platform.

Oh, and it's HERE: https://habitrpg.com

They have a cool Wiki that helps out a lot too (http://habitrpg.wikia.com/wiki/HabitRPG_Wiki).

I hope you all like it! 

<3 - CFC

Hello and welcome to my rambling about why I am totally over the "fitness industry!" Allow me to start by referring you to two separate blogs that I've written before. You don't HAVE to read them, but they give you a bit more background on where I'm coming from. The first is my attempt at doing a 12 week challenge and the other is about me joining Save Fitness and learning about competing.

First, the 12 Week Challenge
Let me start by saying that I was oddly disappointed to find out that the two women leading the challenge had breast implants. I have ZERO ISSUES with women wanting to get implants, I just take issue with people basically saying "follow this plan and you can look like me" and not mentioning that you can't look like them without going under the knife. The first thing us women lose when we lose weight is our chests. It's just a thing that happens and you can't do anything about it naturally. It's where I personally have lost the most fat/inches.

I'm not saying that they don't work hard (because they totally do), but C'MON. Almost ALL of the fitness women I looked up to turned out to have implants and I was oddly devastated when I found out.

The NEXT thing that disenfranchised me was the person who actually WON the 12 week lean body for her challenge:

I have read the responses that Labrada released about the criticism they received for picking her and honestly, they can shove it. Yes, she worked hard and probably feels better about herself but C'MON! She went from thin to "oo, now she has a thigh gap and is even MORE thin!" I didn't end up submitting my packet, so I'm not upset that I lost or something like that, I'm just upset that this is the standard that they have. There were so many of us trying so hard and we never stood a chance because we wanted to look like her BEFORE picture. Add like 10+ pounds to her before picture and I would still be happy.

Save Fitness
I actually don't have any real criticism for Save Fitness itself. I love the girls and I like that they have seminars about coping with the pressure of competing and they have "Post Show Wellness" seminars to help the competitors cope with life after the show. Allow me to elaborate on that: before a show, you spend WEEKS prepping for it. You are on a strict meal/workout plan that is very intense and you have to be very dedicated. The day of the show, you are at your leanest possible. After the show, you will bounce back and gain some weight because how you prepped is not sustainable for every day life (that and you will pretty much automatically gain water weight). A lot of people take that very hard, which is totally understandable (Lord knows I would).

My issue is with competing itself, not Save Fitness. It's just not for me. I have talked to really lean girls and seen pics of really lean girls and instead of thinking that they look amazing, they say stuff like "well, I'm not at my leanest" or "I need to lose 10% more body fat" (and I'm over here looking them up and down and going "But where will you lose it FROM?!") and stuff like that and it KILLS me because I'm pretty much all about Body Acceptance. I love myself even though I'm bigger and it looks like all they can see is what they need to change. I could be wrong, but that's what I've seen/heard. I look at myself and I see someone that I love. I am flawed, but I have a body that works with all of its limbs and not everyone has that. I am insanely grateful for my good fortune and it just saddens me to see people only seeing what they need to change when they have SO much already. You can want to change, but don't bash how you are now and only focus on your perceived flaws.

At Save Fitness, we had a seminar on beauty tricks for competing and some women will completely change their haircut and color just for a show so that it will look better with their tan/suit/the lighting. I realized that competing just is not for me shortly after this seminar. That person on the stage wouldn't look anything like the real me (for one, she would be orange and I am white as snow). I don't want to call it shallow because I have a lot of respect for the hard work and effort that they put into competing, but it just isn't for me because for me it would feel shallow. As they continually remind you, it's a very subjective sport and I don't really want to be judged based solely on my looks as I stand spray tanned in a bathing suit on a stage (though my clear plastic heels are kind of awesome).

It's Their Way or Your Wrong
I absolutely cannot eat clean 24/7 to save my life and a lot of people are like "you have to eat clean and have perfect macros to make any progress and to be healthy and you can't have these foods and blah blah blah." No, you just have to eat healthy and eat the "bad" stuff in moderation. I hated feeling bad about living my life and eating at someone's house. No, I'll just live my life and not care about how "clean" my food is, thanks. While I'm at it, no, I will not track EVERY bite I eat to make sure I meet my macros. UGH. I hate tracking my food. I hate it. I hate saying "I can't have this because it doesn't fit my macros" even if it's VEGETABLES or certain high sugar fruits. What, even the healthy food isn't healthy enough?! Yeah, following a strict meal plan is NOT for me.

Further, I hated following a prescribed and regimented workout plan. Hated it. I gave up running for months because "lifting and HIIT are better for you." I burned myself out being in the gym so much. I was lifting and doing intervals and quite frankly hating my life. I had given up running because "sustained cardio is boring and not as effective at burning fat." No, it's AWESOME and FUN and I LOVE it. I LOVE running. Lifting is alright. I still do some weight work every day, just not like I use to. I don't neglect my muscles, but I focus on being a better runner because it makes me happy. Who CARES if I'm not super lean? I'm HAPPY.

--------------------------------

Overall, I guess the main thing I want to say to the "fitness industry" as a whole is "it's not you, it's me." This just isn't the life for me. I like eating healthy and running and just living my life in a fit way. I don't want to pose in just a sports bra showing off my abs. I don't want to spend 2+ hours in the gym each day and freak out about body fat and macros and everything else. I admire the people who can dedicate themselves so fully to the lifestyle, but it's just not for me. I'll be fit and healthy in my own way, a way that meshes with my life and makes me happy.

I have learned a TON by immersing myself in the world of the "fitness industry" and I don't regret it. It's just not a good fit for me personally and that's okay.

<3 - CFC

I had a very unpleasant "clubbing" experience this weekend that opened my eyes and reinforced a few things about my personality that I have been denying. I won't really go into details because I'm not a fan of people trashing their friends online, but just know that it was a sucky-ass time, I hated every moment of it, and I will NEVER go clubbing like that EVER again for the rest of my days. Let's just say that the night ended with me dropping some friends off in Capital Hill (Seattle, WA), getting called a "bitch" and a "pussy" by some of said friends, and then having a full blown, hyperventilating, sobbing panic attack alone in my car as I attempted to get home (New rule: pull over during panic attacks. I was panicking at the time and just wanted to get home.).

I don't do drunken crowds of people spilling off of sidewalks while I attempt to drive through with people yelling at me in the back seat, it would seem.

So, that being said, here are some things that I will not be apologizing for anymore or making excuses about. I am DONE feeling bad about and apologizing for who I am. If I can learn to love my fat and wonderful body, you can bet that I can love my awesome and amazing personality. This isn't about me not leaving my comfort zone (I frequently hurl myself out of my comfort zone just to see what will happen), this is about me accepting who I am becoming and no longer doing things I don't want to do just because I feel like I have to (such as clubbing).

(IF MY FRIENDS, WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE, READ THIS: This isn't me trashing on or hating you. I'm sure we'll move past this and that I won't be invited out for wild party nights anymore, which is fine by me. XD This is me learning from an experience.)

1. I am NOT sorry that I am becoming more introverted.
I have always identified as an extrovert and all the Briggs Meyer type tests that I've taken have labeled me as one. HOWEVER, I was always a bit borderline and I like to refer to myself as an "introverted extrovert," since I have major characteristics of both. I guess that actually makes me an ambivert, but I like my title better.

Most of my childhood was spent alone in my house. From 5th grade until sometime in high school or junior high, I would come home from school and be alone until either I went to sleep or right before. I relished those times because I did not like being around my family and any reason to not be in the same room as my abusive, screaming mother was a good reason. While I was pretty much a pure extrovert as a child, this epic amount of alone time without the pressure and stress of being around my family made me cherish my time alone.

As I've gotten older, that introverted part of me has grown stronger. I still get energy from crowds of friends, but I need time to recharge if I'm out too long. I no longer like being in a sea of pounding music and pulsating pelvises (that's what I think of the club scene). Once I left Bellingham (and all the people I hung out with) and moved to Renton, I became very lonely. However, my volatile and high-stress childhood made me very adaptable to changes in my life, leading the introvert side to shine through.

I am not lonely anymore.

2. I am NOT, nor will I ever be, sorry that I have anxiety issues.
Anxiety runs in my family; my grandma and mother both have anxiety issues. As I get older, these hereditary issues start cropping up more. It's not as bad in me, but I can get anxiety/panic attacks if I get too overwhelmed. I am lucky in that they are weak enough that I can kind of control them. I recognize what is happening and that I'm not dying and I can kind of let them pass and calm myself down.That doesn't make them any less unpleasant.

I have always seen this as weakness in myself (which is funny, because I don't think of other people with anxiety as weak). I grew up being forced to be an adult at an early age. I had to think on my feet, raise my sister, and deal with sudden, volatile situations on the fly with a certain level of poise. I had to be able to sit and take loud, verbal abuse for hours while dealing with a screaming child, schoolwork, and housework; all while maintaining a level head, nearly 4.0 GPA, and never letting my emotions get out of control (I REALLY relate to Frozen's "Let it Go"). So the fact that I can't deal as well with some situations makes me feel weak because I always could before. 

But I am okay with it and I am not sorry anymore. I am not weak; I have just been strong for so long that I am tired and a bit more high strung than I use to be. I can't help that I have anxiety issues. All I can do is cope with them and stop feeling like it's a weakness.

The ironic part of this is that I do my best work under pressure. Go figure.

3. I am NOT sorry that I do not like crowds.
I don't like crowds of strangers. I discovered that in 10th grade when I was suppose to welcome the incoming freshman and completely froze up.

Not much has changed since then. #sorrynotsorry

4. I am NOT sorry that I am not a big drinker/partier/total lightweight. 
A large part of my family is composed of alcoholics. The mother I mentioned previously? Alcoholic partier. One of my main goals in life has always been to not be my mother. Thankfully, alcoholism isn't something that I inherited. I never have been "black out" drunk and I know when to stop and switch to water. I like drinking OCCASIONALLY, but overall. it's not my most favorite thing and it's just empty calories that make me feel sick the next day. I really need to be in the mood to want to drink.

I personally don't get the allure of partying or drinking in public. I have never made out or "been with" a stranger. I have never grinded on a stranger or been drunk outside of someone's home. I have never really lost control of myself, even when drunk.

I have a little voice in my head as I'm drinking that tells me not to do stupid stuff and makes me drink water after a certain point. That voice doesn't magically appear when I've been drinking; it is ALWAYS there. I ALWAYS think of what could happen (part of the anxiety thing). I ALWAYS prepare for EVERYTHING. It's what makes me a good event planner/coordinator, but a horrible partier. I am incapable of ever letting myself go wild (I'm probably a control freak) and that isn't a bad thing.

I am not sorry that I am this way.

5. I am NOT sorry that I can be a bit of a control freak.
I ADMIT IT: I have a control freak side. I have fought against that phrase and this side of me for a long time and I give up. I don't try to control people or their lives, but I do stay in control of me and my life. It's a part of that "growing up in a shitty home" thing that I mentioned above- I had to maintain control at all times. I had to control my sister's life to an extent to make sure that she didn't end up like me (emotionally crippled and anxiety ridden). I had to try to control her temper tantrums. I had to try to steer my mother. I had to keep situations under control and I never got a break. It's no wonder to me that months after I left, my mother completely relapsed into drinking and that her and my dad broke up and she was kicked out of the house; I was the one who had been holding everything together. I was under a constant strain from ages 4-19 (bear in mind that I am only 24 right now) and it is not surprising that that left its mark.

All I ever knew was stress, needing to be in control, and suppressing my emotions at all times. Is it any WONDER to ANYONE that I am the way I am? It's a wonder to me that I turned out as well as I did. 

6. I fall victim to peer pressure more than I care to admit.
Apparently, "just have a drink" works on adult me and not teenage me. I have a very hard time saying no to my friends/family when they encourage me to drink/eat. It sucks and I need to learn to say no. 

In Conclusion...
...these are the parts of me that I hate and I am done hating or denying them. They are a part of who I am today and they are the byproduct of circumstances that were *gulp* beyond my control. I am who I am and I can't deny it anymore. I can't try to be someone that I'm not and I won't apologize for it.

This is all stuff that I have a hard time explaining or saying out loud and posting it here is enabling me to come to terms with it and explain it to my friends. Yes, this is very personal and very painful to share, but I think it's worth it if even one person can relate to it or if even one friend understands me better.


<3 - CFC

*NOTE: I am NOT the one that had a heart attack. I have plenty of friends that will probably jump to conclusions based on that title, so I wanted to clarify that I DID NOT have a heart attack, but I know someone that did and it scared the hell out of me.

Hi everyone,

Today, we are going to have some serious talk. My coworker, Juli, had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago, right here at work. (You can read her story HERE and, if you're willing/able, you can donate to help cover her medical expenses. Even if you can't or don't want to donate, I suggest you read her story as a cautionary tale.) I read her Go Fund Me page linked above and decided that I wanted to write a blog about how having a heart attack when you're a woman (and hell, even as a man) doesn't feel like what TV has told us it should feel like. In her post, Juli said "I do not have all the details of how and when but I do know that my story maybe able to save a life or two. Young women need to know that it really can happen to them and what signs to look for.  It is this that excites me. To think my suffering will be another's blessing." So I will spread her story as far as my blog will allow so that others may learn from her.

THE NITTY GRITTY DETAILS

First, allow me to define what a heart attack is. A heart attack is "a sudden and sometimes fatal occurrence of coronary thrombosis, typically resulting in the death of part of a heart muscle." Thanks, Google. You're a pal.

In order to keep pumping and keep you alive, your heart requires its own supply of oxygen and nutrients (since keeping you alive tends to be a 24/7/365 kind of job). A heart attack happens when cholesterol plaque builds up in the arteries leading to the heart. Blood clots around the plaque and then blood can't get to the heart, which starves the heart tissue. This can cause a part of the heart to die, which is a heart attack.

Plaque build up and an increased risk for heart attack can be caused by disease, being genetically predisposed to plaque build up, smoking, high blood pressure, and poor health/eating decisions like eating lots of saturated fats.

SYMPTOMS

Take this QUIZ to see what you know about a heart attack. I only got 3/5.

Most people assume that a heart attack means having sudden chest pain, pain in your left arm, and then collapsing. While all of that is associated with a heart attack, those are not the only symptoms. Juli described her heart attack as: "I ignored the signs for some time and the pain that they warn you about was nothing like what I felt. It was more of a pressure in my arm. Under my armpit. I felt as if I had heart burn. It wasn't until I had the most severe tightening of my chest and things started to get fuzzy." That was the point where a coworker of ours drove her to the emergency room. I was, unfortunately, on lunch when it happened.

Symptoms of a heart attack include:

• Discomfort, pressure, heaviness, or pain in the chest, arm, or below the breastbone
• Discomfort radiating to the back, jaw, throat, or arm
• Fullness, indigestion, or choking feeling (may feel like heartburn)
• Sweating, nausea, vomiting, or dizziness
• Extreme weakness, anxiety, or shortness of breath
• Rapid or irregular heartbeats

Women experience heart attacks differently than men do. Twenty percent (1/5) of women will not have the same symptoms as a man does. They don't have the classic "elephant on my chest/chest pain" symptoms, but instead experience a feeling of indigestion that can travel to their back, shortness of breath, nausea, and hyperventilation. This is frequently misdiagnosed as a GI track issue, when in reality, you are dying. If you are not assertive enough about being seen in the ER with these symptoms, it can cost you your life.

HOW TO HELP PREVENT A HEART ATTACK/HEART DISEASE

There are many things that you can do to help prevent heart issues:

• Do not use tobacco and if you do, work on quitting.
• Be more active! Just walking for 30 minutes on most days can really help.
• Eat healthier! Avoid processed, high fat foods. Eat less red meat and more lean meats like poultry or fish. Eat more fruits and veggies!
• Maintain a healthier weight
• GET. MORE. SLEEP.
• Go to the doctor for regular checkups.
• Manage high blood pressure/diabetes
• TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR

IN CONCLUSION

I know this wasn't my most thrilling post (it seemed inappropriate to use humor here), but I think that it's important for people (especially women, since our symptoms are weird) to know this stuff. Take care of your heart. Take care of your health. You never know who is relying on you to live a long, strong life. 

<3 - CFC

Sources (and good articles to read): 

• http://answers.webmd.com/answers/1179015/what-is-a-heart-attack
  
• http://www.bettermedicine.com/taking-cholesterol-seriously/foods-that-cause-plaque-buildup-in-the-arteries?redirect=beme
  
• http://www.webmd.com/cholesterol-management/cholesterol-and-artery-plaque-buildup
  
• http://www.webmd.com/heart-disease/guide/heart-disease-heart-attacks
  
• http://www.webmd.com/women/video/heart-attack-women-different
• http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/heart-disease-prevention/art-20046502
  

Hi everyone! Long time no blog! :3

You may or may not be wondering how I've been or what I've been up to. Well, I've had a hard time thinking of something to blog about and I don't really want to blog for the sake of blogging, if that makes any sense, so I've been away from the writing board.

I'll dive right into the new thing that I am doing: I joined a group called Save Fitness, a group created by Tanji Johnson, an IFBB pro. What is IFBB, you may or may not be asking? IFBB is the International Federation of Bodybuilding and Fitness; Tanji is a body builder and competes in both physique and fitness. Yes, there are different levels in body building, as the pic below illustrates (fitness is where you do a routine that showcases your fitness level). Basically, this blog is about why I joined and some of the internal struggles that I have faced in doing so. I have only been a member for a few weeks.

PLEASE NOTE: If you wanna bash ANY of these women, you can get the (pardon the term) FUCK off of my website right the hell now. I don't tolerate fat shaming and I sure as hell won't tolerate ANYONE saying how "she looks like a man" or "she's too skinny" or whatever garbage someone's bigoted brain shoots out because I don't tolerate body-shaming PERIOD. I am ALL ABOUT body acceptance at any size, just as I am ALL ABOUT health at any size. These women are GORGEOUS and I will throw down with anyone that dares to say different. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO HAVE A BODY.

WHY I AM DOING THIS

I joined Save Fitness for a few different reasons. The first and foremost reason is that I desperately want more friends. Since I moved down from Bellingham, I've found that it can get kind of lonely, just the fiance and I. Not only that, almost NONE of my close friends are fitness minded; I can count them on one hand (dear friends reading this: I love you all, I swear!). I've always been more of a loner when it comes to doing things, but trying to learn more and be healthier has been REALLY hard to do alone. It's hard to try to "eat clean" or whatever when everyone around you (including the previously mentioned fiance) is pounding down delicious, delicious food and/or encouraging you to skip a work out and/or encouraging you to take a drink/stay up late. I need to be around people that have the same values that I am working so hard to develop so that I can stay motivated and focused, even when I'm around my friends that can eat for days with no consequences (and so maybe I can quit trying to eat my weight in donuts/pizza because I have an unhealthy relationship with food).

Another reason I wanted to join is because I wanted to see if I really could compete. I want to prove to the world that this fatty-since-birth, this the-fat-friend, could DO IT. I want to compete in 2015 in bikini or figure. I prefer the glam of bikini, but my muscle building ability and lack of balance/sass make me think I'll be better suited to figure. Neither is better than the other; it's for purely shallow reasons that I favor bikini (I prefer the suits and poses :3).

I've said it before and I'll say it again: IT'S NOT ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT. I DO NOT HATE MY BODY. It's about trying to be the healthiest I can be and I LOVE MY FAT, PALE BODY. Even if the below makes it seem like I don't.

MY STRUGGLES SO FAR

(If any of the girls in Save Fitness are reading this right now, this is not about you. You've all been great and supportive; this is all purely internal and based off of my own insecurities.)

My first, actual impression of Save Fitness was during the initial consultation. You, along with a group of however many other women signed up, come and meet with Tanji and she explains to you about competing to make sure that you understand how much work it really is. She also takes your through some of the poses. Tanji is AWESOME and I loved the girls I met and was super excited to learn more. On the other hand, I was painfully nervous.

I was the fattest, palest woman at that gathering.

I suddenly felt like a swollen whale and I just wanted to curl into a ball and hide. They were all very nice and I don't think anyone was judging me, but I was judging me and comparing my body to theirs. My mind was screaming "What are you even DOING here? LEAVE. You have no business here with these people. You don't fit in. Get out. Come back when you can stop being such a fat ass. LEAVE. You are the ONLY person here without a background in sports or ANYTHING. LEAVE." When Tanji said that we were going to be taking turns posing in front of everyone else, I almost died again. "WHAT?! I am WAY too fat to be up in front of these fit females! I AM A COW. Oh GOD they'll all see how pale, uncoordinated, and FAT I am." I love my body, I honestly and truly do. That being said, I am still human and sometimes, I can become almost paralyzed by insecurity. 

I want to tell you that I overcame it. I want to tell you that I said "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR" and rocked it. I gave myself pep talks on the inside. I assured myself. I reminded myself of how far I have come. I did the posing in front of everyone and it was just as bad at it as I thought I would be. I want to tell you that I was strong and that I found my self-confidence again. 

The truth is, I went out to my car and cried when it was over. I just bawled my eyes out and I have no real idea why.

How could I, the perpetual fatty, every hope to compete? How could I fit in? How could I have ever thought that I would be WORTHY? Look at those girls, why can't I do that! Why can't I look like that? Why can't I BE that? Why have I been eating like I'm starving for the last three weeks? Why has it been months since I've seen progress? BLAH. BLAH. SELF DOUBT. BLAH.

Well, me being me, I went on to the next step, which was a private consultation with Tanji. Again, I want to tell you that I was super confident and killed it; I didn't. I saw that she had the girl before me take her shirt off (or maybe she just lifted it up, I can't remember) in the gym mirror while surrounded by people and I wanted to bolt for a second. What if she makes ME take my shirt off?

Long story short, she didn't, and it was alright. She was super cool. :3 

MY DECISION

Well, me being who I am, I can't just quit. I have this almost sick need to push myself well out of my comfort zone, even if it leaves me crying in a parking lot plagued by self-doubt and insecurity. I HAVE to work past this. I have to embrace who I am RIGHT NOW at any size because that is what I stand for. That is why I made CFC. CFC is like Batman: she is a symbol. (Heehee, I compared myself to Batman. That makes me positively giddy with glee.) I cannot let that symbol down, just like Bruce Wayne can't let down Batman. "People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man, I'm flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed; but as a symbol... as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting." I will never stop striving to spread body acceptance and the only way I can do that is by ALWAYS accepting my body exactly as it is. THAT is what CFC is all about.

If Tanji asks me to take my shirt off in the gym (which apparently she does), I am going to take it off and everyone can gaze at my PALE, FLABBY GLORY AND BASK IN MY AWESOME.

I'll let you know how it goes. ;)

<3 - CFC

P.S. I need a Super-CFC logo STAT, now. :)

UPDATE, 6/11/2014: OMG. My friend made me a Super-CFC logo!!! :D :D :D I LOVE IT.