Hey everyone! 

So I haven't blogged in about two months and I feel bad about it. One reason is because I was super busy and the other reason is because I couldn't think of what to say. I didn't know what to blog about and I think I was scared of what people would say about what I was thinking. Well, fear's never stopped me before, so why start now?

As many of you know, I started the Labrada 12 Week Challenge back at the end of January and I was SUPER excited about it. I am still doing the challenge (the last day for me is April 28) and have actually lost eight pounds since starting it. I love what it's taught me about weight lifting and I love what I've learned about eating. I love the ladies that I've "met" through the group. I genuinely love the challenge.

What I don't love about the challenge is the eating portion.

In the challenge, they want you to eat clean (Google it, I'm not going into it), eat small meals throughout the day (which works for me), and hit a certain calorie/macro count (macros are proteins, fats, and carbs). For the first month, I did AMAZINGLY well. I lost seven pounds in one month, which is my greatest amount of weight lost in a month yet. I stuck to that plan like glue and felt pretty good that I was doing it. However, my fiance doesn't follow the same plan and neither does any other person in my life.

Almost every day, my favorite foods were being eaten in front of me and I couldn't participate. I completely freaked out when someone wanted to go out to eat because WHAT WOULD I EAT?! Would it fit my macros? Was it cheating? I hated it. I had to bring a cooler if I stayed somewhere overnight. I had to bring a cooler and make clean muffins for my own BIRTHDAY party. 

One week into month two, I broke. There was a tasting that I had to go to for my wedding and I was anxious. They were sampling out EVERYTHING and I would be damned if I didn't try it all (I'm glad I did since I ended up changing the menu). I ate more in that one meal than I normally did almost all day, I believe. It was kind of awful and I felt like total crap, but if I am paying thousands of dollars for food, you bet I'm going to make sure that it's EXACTLY what I want! And guess what? IT WILL BE NOW. 

I don't know if my old, repressed unhealthy ways were triggered by a chemical reaction due to what I ate (like giving alcohol to an alcoholic, though clearly not as bad) or if it was all mental after restricting myself so much. Either way, something broke inside me and I couldn't help myself; I just ate whatever the hell I felt like. I still followed the work out plan, but I was totally lost on eating once I got home from work. At work, I do great. My breakfast and all my meals throughout the day are packed and I eat them two hours apart and I drink lots of water. Once I get home, all bets are off. I won't say that I binged, but I definitely ate more than my calorie/macro counts allowed and I ate whatever the hell I wanted.

It's been just over three weeks since that dinner and I am finally slowing down. I only lost one pound during month two and that pound is a testament to how great the workout plan is. I've been reading about nutrition more and about different plans that people follow, as well as a bit about eating disorders. I don't think I have one, but following this strict plan was seriously damaging my relationship with food and making me fear it. It was never going to be sustainable for me, not even for twelve weeks. Maybe, just maybe, if I lose enough weight and decide I want to compete in a bikini contest, I will stick to a twelve week plan. But not right now. I am planning a wedding and working like crazy and have a million stressors in my life. I can't keep up with all of that AND a strict meal plan.

It doesn't help that the lady running the program (who I adore and am not saying ANYTHING bad about because she is AMAZING) keeps telling us that ANY cheats are bad and that we shouldn't have problems with this since it's "only" twelve weeks long. Here's the thing: she is a FITNESS MODEL who is married to a man that also works in the fitness industry (I think he does body building and personal training, but I haven't been enough of a creep to find out). She's been doing this FOREVER and has a great support system. She was an athlete growing up (totally read her book) and gained weight from partying in college. I was a bullied fat chick in an abusive home growing up and I didn't have time for sports (nor was I inclined to play them). Food got me through some bad things at home and kept me sane. My relationship with food and hers are VERY different. She was fat for a few years. I was fat for my WHOLE LIFE (well, I still am). My cravings and habits are naturally going to be stronger due to this and far harder to fight than hers. I'm not saying this to belittle her struggle; I think what she did is AMAZING and she inspires me. I have pictures of her on my inspiration board. But I can't compare myself to her because we are very different people. I can't be what she is right now. I can't do what she does because I'm not there yet.

So, with all that being said, I am done with the strict meal plan. I don't even think I can do the plan where you eat whatever you want so long as you hit your caloric/macro count (If It Fits Your Macros or IIFYM). It just isn't for me right now in my life. Instead, I am just going to try to limit my calories while trying to make sure I eat more protein than I did before this challenge (the challenge wants you to get 40% of you calories from protein, which I've learned is harder than I thought and I clearly wasn't getting enough protein before). I will still eat MOSTLY clean. This is doable for me. This can extend beyond a twelve week challenge. Yes, this is JUST twelve weeks, but damn it, I can't mend my crappy relationship with food by viewing it as the enemy. I need to make my relationship with food healthier and get more comfortable with it before I can attempt a strict food challenge again (because I know that I probably will).

That all being said, I LOVE the twelve week challenge and I am going to do the next one for sure. I am FINALLY back to my pre-college weight and in the best shape of my life, partly because of this challenge (the awesome muscles are almost ALL from this challenge). I have learned more about myself, health, and nutrition than I thought I would. I learned that I have some pretty big weaknesses that I wasn't aware of and I have something concrete to work on now. I have grown from this challenge and have made some serious progress, which is what it's all about. I can go into month three and kick some serious butt doing things MY way and there is no shame in that.

<3 - CFC

O.M.G. A blog post when I’ve been constantly slammed?! I know, it seems too good to be true, lol. I missed you guys! :D This is going to be kind of rambling, so bear with me.

So as some of you may have noticed, I've gotten pretty into (read:obsessed with) fitness, which has put me into a bit of an awkward position. You see, I am for body acceptance of all sizes (no one should be actively shamed and hated just for their body), yet I now exist in this community that is ALL ABOUT changing your body.

On my personal FaceBook and Instagram accounts, I follow a LOT of fitness, health, clean eating, and transformation pages. As such, my news feeds are constantly full of slim, toned, and attractive (scantily clad) people. It’s called “fitspo,” or fitness inspiration. I have seen phrases such as "a moment on the lips is forever on the hips" and the like with these pictures, which makes it seem like it's all about losing weight and being thin.

On one hand, I love seeing people on the transformation pages that have gone from morbidly obese to fit because I know how much work it takes to commit to a new lifestyle and how painful it can be and those people are my freaking heroes. Anyone who decides to do something hard to better themselves (I’m talking about bettering their HEALTH, not LOOKS) is a champ in my world. It is incredibly hard to go from an unhealthy lifestyle to a healthy one. I’ve seen/heard of people that couldn’t even walk anymore being able to run again. I’ve seen/heard of people working through disabilities and diseases and those people just astound me because I don’t know that I could ever do that if I were in their shoes. That right there fills me with such fierce joy, pride for the person, and determination that I can barely contain it. It is truly inspirational.

Go ahead and take a moment to read this article. Next, read the comments on the article. This is just one of many articles about the following picture

Recently, the Internet blew up over a picture of a fit looking, half-dressed woman with three children around her. The caption of the picture says "What's your excuse?" The woman in question is Maria Kang, 

The Drama

I've read quite a few articles centering around this picture and the criticism that is has drawn from some people. Some people have said that she is a bully. Some people have said that she's an inspiration. 

I personally don't think that she's either.

On the "bully" side, I can see their point, though I think that calling her a bully is extreme. She didn't say anything bad about anyone else. It's not the fact that she's skinny/fit that caused the complaint, it's the caption "What's your excuse?" that caused an issue. Not every woman's body can bounce back so quickly after childbirth, even with working hard. Some women have health issues that prevent them from looking like this or being able to be super active. Some women have diseases or take medication that make them literally incapable of losing weight. A lot of women have insecurities, and this picture seems to have sent them all bubbling to the surface. So many of us have been bullied that we're quick to snap at someone that we perceive as a bully. However, fat people that were bullied by thin people turning into bullies towards thin people is just as bad. It's a vicious cycle that a lot of people are stuck in.

On the "inspirational" side, I can see how people find her inspirational. She is a mother of three that works a LOT, has two businesses, and just has a lot going on and she still manages to look like that. She takes time out of each day to exercise in order to look like that. She makes sure that her family is healthy. She worked hard for that body and for that confidence and I commend her for it. I hope to be able to develop that kind of conviction and drive.

The biggest complaint has been that pictures like this just further the image that ALL women should strive to look like this. The caption with the image kind of reads as: "What's your excuse for not being this hot?" She's wearing hardly any clothes and posing in a very... I don't want to say sexual way because it's not really sexual (not with the children there), but in a "provocative" way while not wearing a lot of clothing. Women are told EVERY DAY that we should be working out and getting toned and look like air-brushed models at all times. A lot of women have commented saying that a different caption wouldn't have made this such a big deal. Something like, "it's possible" or something less personal than "what's your excuse?" 

All this being said, I don't think that's what she meant to do at all and I have zero issue with this picture. I don't think that she was fat shaming, being a bully, or asking us why we're not as hot as she is. My issue is with the comments on the articles.

My Take on It

Here is my issue with this whole "controversy:" women are just tearing each other down. Instead of empowering each other to do better and be better, we're too busy yelling "fat shaming!" or "thin shaming!" at each other to do anything else. Women are fighting in the comments sections of all the articles I've seen and it makes me sad. This picture never even said anything about being fat, but the personal question "What's your excuse?" sent some people up in flames.

Related Tangent: I hate the phrase "only dogs go for bones, real men are into curves" or meat or whatever. I didn't always hate that quote until a friend of mine (who is thinner) pointed out that it was rude. And it is. The phrase she ACTUALLY pointed out was, and I quote, "once you go big, you never go twig." I posted this phrase on my FaceBook page and she pointed out that it is exactly as offensive as saying that "once you go skinny, you'll never go big." The first is thin-shaming and the second is fat-shaming and I agree with her.

Yes, we fatties have gotten a lot of grief over the years from bullies in our personal lives and the media, but thin people have insecurities just like fat people do and feel the same pressure to be perfect as we do. Without telling my friend's story, I know that she was bullied and she's thin *gasp*. BULLYING HAPPENS TO EVERYONE, REGARDLESS OF SIZE. If you were ever bullied, why would you EVER want to cause that kind of pain to someone else?

Want to know a really awesome secret? "Fat" people and "thin" people ARE BOTH PEOPLE. We divide up into two opposing camps and shame each other and it is WRONG. Furthermore, those two quotes demean men just as much as they do women. They assume that men are "dogs" or basically only after sex. These two quotes. which I've read in the article comments, are sexist and WRONG.

SO...

Basically, my point is that we as people should all just learn to accept each other. I can't (and don't want to) control your actions or life, so I can't judge it. I don't know your heart, I'm not you. My only request is that you don't judge me since you don't know me. Just like we don't know Maria Kang or all those people yelling in the comments.

So yeah. Quit shaming each other and bullying each other.

Hi all,

So as some of you may have noticed, I've become a bit obsessed with fitness and I've basically come out and said that I want to lose weight (like you all didn't know that already). I'm still all about body acceptance and if you like yourself and you're considered "heavier," my hat's off to you. I love myself and accept myself as I am right now too; however, I want to make myself BETTER. CFC version 3.0, baby!

I have been "fat" for as long as I can remember. I was chubby through middle school, bigger in junior high, and fat in high school. It wasn't until I reached university that I REALLY got big. Instead of the freshman 15, I got the freshman 30. I was poor (aren't most college kids?) so I ate pretty much nothing but pasta, pasta sides, and pasta TV dinners.

PASTA IS EVIL!

More specifically, eating a LOT of pasta ALL of the time is evil. Pasta in moderation is amazing and yummy and wonderful. Pasta all the time is carbs and fat and WHY DO I SUDDENLY WEIGH SO MUCH?!

Enough about pasta. This isn't supposed to be about my love affair with pasta.

ANYWAYS, I was big. I swear, every year I went up another pants size. I got up to a size 20 and was perilously close to going up to a size 22 (the one pair of size 20 jeans I owned was getting tight). I refused to wear jeans because they were too confining for my tummy and I could almost never find my size. I was miserable and embarrassed to be in my own skin. I couldn't physically keep up with my friends and I would get winded easily. I remember going on a hike with two of my skinnier friends and being winded, sore, grumpy, and always at LEAST twenty feet behind them. It was embarrassing and miserable. (What is with all of this past tense? I STILL can only half keep up with them and still don't fit into a lot of clothes, lol). 

But I was lazy and ALWAYS busy, so I ignored it. I figured that one day I would get healthy, I would just do it "later." 

I'd say my wake-up call (my "later") came when I stepped on the scale one day (because apparently I was feeling masochistic) and it read 206 back at me. I was mortified. I once told myself (jokingly, I hope. I'm not even sure if I was joking, which is the scary part) that I would kill myself if I got to 200 pounds. I felt an ice cold knot in my stomach. Suicide is no laughing matter (BELIEVE me, I have dealt with it a lot in my life). I felt sick. Had I really hated myself and my life enough to say that at some point in the past? (Answer: Yes. But this is neither the time or place to get into that.)

That was when this blog was born. This wonderful, amazing blog that allows me to vent, allows me to learn, and allows me to track my progress. Since the beginning of this blog, I've lost almost 20 pounds. I've had my highs and my lows, my months of progress followed by months of plateauing and stopping. I started this blog with two things in mind: learning to love myself and making myself a healthier person. I have met some amazing people through my FaceBook page. 

I have become things that I never thought I could be. I am a blogger, a dancer, a fitness junkie, and an amateur runner (my first 5K is in December!). I love eating healthy food and my body no longer rejects vegetables as a foreign substance. I'm still bigger and I still have a LONG way to go before I am anywhere near where I want to be, but the fact is that I am GOING. That, and I still can't completely kick my addiction to junk food, but no one is perfect.

In the back of my mind. the biggest reason I started this blog was because I wanted to lose weight. I swore that I would always tell the truth to my readers and that I would be accountable to THEM when I failed. I can lie and break promises to myself pretty easily; I can't do the same thing to others. I wanted to go about my weight loss without supplements and without fad dieting; I wanted to change my lifestyle. I wanted to show the world that it could be done. I wanted to become healthier and learn to love myself regardless of what my body looked like.

Were my reasons to lose weight shallow? Yes and no. Who DOESN'T want to have an easy time finding clothes? Who DOESN'T want to be thought of as attractive? Who DOESN'T want to be able to keep up with their friends? Yes, I am a fat chick and I want to lose weight. Yes, I do talk about body acceptance while striving to change mine. No, I will NEVER apologize for that or any of this because it is MY life. These are MY choices. If you're fine just the way you are, big or small, then I am damn proud of you. Love yourself.


I love myself enough to know that I need to change my ways so that I can live a long and happy life. I wasn't happy when I ate crap food and was sedentary. Since I started working out a lot and eating better, I am HAPPY. I don't have bouts of almost crippling depression anymore. I don't have "dark" or "bad" days. I am simply high off of life and possibly the endorphins/dopamine that is released from all of my working out. It's a healthy high.

I am finally happy and on the road to staying that way, all thanks to starting this blog and this journey.


<3 - CFC

HI EVERYONE!

I'm back! I have internet again and am starting to get settled into my new apartment. I still have quite a bit of moving left to do and am currently delaying going out to my boyfriend's truck to unload it.

It has been one HELL of a ride. I am soooo tired and did a whole lot of emotional eating without ANY exercise. I haven't danced or anything in well over a month. I feel icky because I was use to at least dancing once a week. I also feel icky because I'm sick, so that's not helping.

In light of weighing about 195-196lbs now (which means I've gained some weight), I want to get back on track. I know my last weigh-in says 186lbs, but that number only showed up during that weigh-in (which was cool). I consistently weighed 190lbs. So far, it's hard getting back on track because 1- I've moved three times or so this month and 2- my boyfriend keeps eating tasty, fatty food and I've been extremely emotional lately (LOOONG story).

I was going to TRY to get up early to go running or SOMETHING, so naturally once I decided to do that, I got a head cold which is making it hard for me to breathe. Instead, I'm about to eat a slice of pizza. Go me. XD

I've decided to take a FAT CHICK CHALLENGE. I am going to try to take up belly dancing. When looking into classes, here's what I encountered on the home page:

HOLY. CRAP.

I am so much fatter and paler than that. Here's a side by side comparison:

Yeah. I don't look like that.

However, I have challenged myself. I want to get fit, I want to get healthy, and I want to work on getting a better self-image. So why not challenge myself to do something out of my comfort zone? SO CHALLENGE I SHALL. :3

I will be blogging about my adventure. If I'm feeling better on Saturday, I'm going to do it.

I, CFC, will put my fat ass on display in a "sexy" display of pale awesomeness.

BEHOLD MY PALE, NOT FULLY-CLOTHED GLORY!

<3 - CFC

Hey everyone, sorry that it's been FOR-EVER. I recently got laid off (on my birthday) and job hunting and dealing with unemployment is busier and far more draining than a full time job was.

Today, I've decided to write about feeling like a big, fat hypocrite. Also, to go on a side tangent about the word fat. LET'S GO!

BEING A FAT HYPOCRITE

First, I'd like to write about how I feel like a fat hypocrite on here. I am fat, I have no issue with fat people, and I consider myself a supporter of fat advocacy (as I explained before, I do not feel that I am active enough to consider myself an actual advocate). That being said, a lot of this blog is about me trying to lose weight/be healthier and blogging about stuff related to that.

It makes me feel like a fat hypocrite because I want to change my own body, while at the same time preaching that others should accept theirs. Despite wanting to change my body and lose weight, I ACCEPT MY BODY AS IT IS RIGHT NOW. I really want you guys to understand that. I think that I'm damn sexy and you should too (think that YOU'RE damn sexy, that is). I need my weight loss for health reasons. First was high blood pressure (totally kicked its ass, btw), but diabetes and other stuff runs in my family. I'm being more active and eating healthier not to improve my body image (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a part of it), but to improve my life overall. I don't care if people are thin or perfect, I care that they are healthy and happy. I'm super happy with myself now, not because I lost weight but because I can keep up with my friends better. It's an amazing feeling.

Let me be very clear: I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. I don't know you (but I love you), I don't know your body (other than you're reading this so you MUST be sexy), and I don't know your situation. THAT BEING SAID: I think that everyone should strive to be healthier in general. Be active, which doesn't mean you have to go to the gym. I just happen to like going there. Just because I blog about it and do it myself doesn't mean that YOU have to. Our bodies were made to move so we should move them. :D

I blogged about the obesity epidemic previously. Since then, I have done a lot of reading on it and I don't think that it's quite what everyone is making it out to be. THAT BEING SAID, I think there IS an epidemic (hell, a pandemic) of bad food. And by bad food, I mean BAD food such as fast food, junk food, and all the food made out of highly processed and refined products. It's not that you can't have that sort of crap sometimes (I do :3), but we should all strive to eat better just for our health. We're eating poorly and becoming more sedentary and THAT is the epidemic we're experiencing- one of unhealthy living.

A TANGENT ON THE WORD FAT

Lately I've been reading books written by fat chicks for fat chicks (Fat Chicks Rule! and The Fat Girl's Guide to Life. I highly recommend them.) and they both made a very good point that I am now noticing: people are uncomfortable with the f-word. And by f-word, I mean the word FAT.

The word FAT makes people VERY uncomfortable to hear. When I call myself fat (jokingly or otherwise) or say that I'm having a "fat day", people immediately are like, "YOU'RE NOT FAT!" or "DON'T SAY THAT!" Dudes, chill (also, I'll say whatever the hell I want). I especially hate when people tell me "don't say that." Number one, I can say whatever I want and two, I'm not saying anything wrong.

I suppose that they have "good" intentions, but I'm not blind. I am FAT and there is nothing wrong with that. What's wrong is denying it or treating it like some God-awful sin. People associate the word fat with characteristics such as lazy, stupid, lacking will power, ignorant,  and gluttony. Just because you're fat doesn't mean that you're any of those things. It just means that you're fat and that's okay.

Fat is not a dirty word and it amazes me how uncomfortable it makes people. I said to a thin friend that I was having a "fat" day and she told me not to say that. What the hell? It's not like I said the four letter f-word. People, I am fat and you're blind if you can't see that and a tool if it truly bothers you. 

Fat (as defined by Google): 

Noun
A natural oily or greasy substance occurring in animal bodies, esp. when deposited as a layer under the skin or around certain organs.

Adjective
(of a person or animal) Having a large amount of excess flesh.

Verb
Make or become fat: "numbers of cattle are fatted here".

So what in that definition is offensive? The word fat is associated with so many negative things like the ones I mentioned above; those things aren't "fat", they're society's messed up view of fat people.

There is NOTHING wrong with the word fat, people! I AM FAT. I AM FAT. FAT, FAT, FAT!!! GET OVER IT. The word fat has become like a dirty word and once you refuse to say a word, you give that word power. I feel like Harry Potter being one of the only ones willing to say Lord Voldemort's name. VOLDEMORT. FAT. VOLDEMORT. FAT. FAT VOLDEMORT (LOL).

So in summary, I'm sorry if I seem like a FAT hypocrite (I try very hard not to be) and FAT IS NOT A DIRTY WORD.

<3 - CFC

I've been reading the book Fat Chicks Rule! by Lara Frater and it is AWESOME. So far, I highly recommend it. The author ranks stores for fat chick fashions, lists movies, books, and shows that have fat-positive characters. Its full of lots of good information for being fat-positive. This particular blog post is about the fat advocacy portion.

Amazon summarizes the book as: A fun, fact-filled guide to living the big girl’s life with style, Fat Chicks Rule!: How To Survive in a Thin-Centric World, tackles the weighty issues that large women face in our thin-obsessed society. This lavishly illustrated book provides information on everything that the plus-size woman needs to know, including where to shop, the dieting scam, how to be fat and sexy, the fat acceptance movement, famous fat chicks in history, fat chick entertainment, snappy comebacks against the fat-phobic and much more. Dedicated to every woman who feels she needs to lose a few pounds but really doesn’t, Fat Chicks Rule! shows you how to live fat and happily ever after.

So today I've decided to blog a bit about Fat Advocacy. :) There are a bunch of fat advocacy groups that you can check out if you want to get involved, which I'll write about in a moment. According to Lara Frater in her book, these are "Nine simple things you can do to fight back and increase size acceptance:"

1. Create a fat positive website. (DONE :D)
2. Wear a fat-positive button.
3. Support movies, TV, books, etc that portray fat women in a positive light. Remember, money talks! (Fat Chicks Rule! has a list of books and movies that are like that.)
4. Join a fat advocacy group (links below).
5. If you feel like you have been discriminated against, fight for your rights. The more cities that adopt laws against size discrimination, the better.
6. Report to the Federal Trade Commission any diet program making outlandish claims. http://www.ftc.gov.
7. Tell a fat-positive joke.
8. Try to start a plus-size exercise program at your job or gym, or even start a walking group. Many fat women don't get enough exercise because they are embarrassed.

FAT ADVOCACY GROUPS

• Council on Size and Weight Discrimination (CSWD)
  
• Largesse: The Network for Size-Esteem
• The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA)
• National Organization of Lesbians of Size (NOLOSE)

I disagree with Ms. Frater on one thing, though. She says (about joining an online fat advocacy group): "You needn't do more than use your computer, pay a small fee to join, and presto, you can call yourself an activist!" That isn't being an activist. That's supporting an advocacy group, but not being an activist. In my opinion, you have to be ACTIVE to be activist. Write letters to companies with negative fat policies and write letters to those with good ones to thank them. Write to politicians. Become informed. I do not consider myself a fat activist because I am not ACTIVE. I support it, I try to help other fat people accept themselves with this blog, but I am not an activist. I am a supporter. Hopefully, this has helped you want to do a bit more to support the cause. :)

<3 - CFC

Being that I've always been very self-conscious about my weight and my body, I've also been really self-conscious about the clothing that I wear. I never wore anything even remotely tight or form fitting because I felt that it made me look like a whale/cow/whatever name I called myself at that moment. I tend to wear dark clothes (specifically black) because I was told when I was younger that it was "flattering."

The picture to the left of my babbling here is me. IN SKINNY JEANS. Not super tight ones because I HATE skin tight things on me (the feeling, not the look necessarily).

If you don't know me personally, you probably don't know that I don't wear pants very often (LOL). I wear skirts/dresses with leggings because 1.) they're soooo comfy and 2.) they're easier to wear when you're big. They're flattering, cute, easier to find in big sizes, and hide "things." Pants hug you and are like, LOOK AT MY FAT.

I may have lost some weight, but I'm pretty much still about the same size. So why am I seen in this picture wearing my NEW skinny jeans? Why am I wearing a cami and lace top when I always assumed that I would get to warm in multiple layers because I'm fat (and a human furnace)? 

Because, my friends, I AM COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF. I am fat and I am OKAY with my body. Once you accept yourself unconditionally, you feel a certain sense of liberation. "I am okay with myself, so I can now wear whatever I want." I know it's kind of silly to feel that you can't wear certain things JUST because you're fat, but I know that a lot of people feel that way too. Certain things aren't flattering on certain body types, for sure, but just because you're fat doesn't mean that you can't wear what you want. I wish I had known that all along. I am so happy now because I have accepted myself and my size. Sure, to some I don't look fat at all and to others, I look like a "grenade," but I am DAMN PROUD of who I am and I think that I am sexy.

So I'm going to wear skinny jeans and bright colors and look damn fine in them!

<3 - CFC

My friend Nightwing (that's right, I said Nightwing. That is his code name here and in my phone) sent me this article the other day, saying that maybe I could blog about it. I shared it on my CFC Facebook page and didn't think that I would write about it. The woman that wrote it pretty much covered it all, I thought.

But then I got to thinking about all the people that have commented on my blog and have talked about being discriminated against in stores. I thought about all the times in my life that I've been bullied or put down just because I am bigger. I thought about how whenever I go to the doctor they shame me because of my weight and make it seem like I'm some sort of degenerate; the way that the nurses and doctors look at me is embarrassing. I guess that I got so use to it that I didn't even think about it anymore until I started this blog and read the article Nightwing sent me. I'm fat and I believe that some part of me thought that that meant I was worth less than a thin person.

Whenever I go to a store, I can rarely fit in anything unless they have larger sizes. Whenever I go to the doctor, they tell me to lose weight. Members of my own FAMILY have told me to lose weight. Family is supposed to love you as you are (though mine isn't exactly the nicest family around) and members of mine were making me feel worthless.

For a very long time, I hated myself because I am fat. I hated myself because people told me to hate myself.

How many guys have become my friend for the sole purpose of flirting with SC? How many men have bypassed me to hit on my skinnier friends? How many guys prefer dancing with my skinnier friends and never ask me, not even once? How many people growing up put me down because I am bigger, including my own family? How many doctors have told me to lose weight even though I don't really have any health issues? How many times in my wretched childhood and teen years did I think that my life would be better if I just weighed less? How am I supposed to love myself with all of these people making me feel different?

You know what? I am PISSED OFF.

Reading that article made me realize something- we ARE discriminated against. It's something that I've just learned to accept and have adjusted to accordingly. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ADJUST TO IT! There is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING wrong with me because of my size. I should NEVER have to feel anything less than AWESOME just because some jerks say I'm worth less than others.

Some people really ARE bigger. We live in a society where being thin is considered the norm and being fat is considered a disease. I don't have a disease. I am a fat chick and I am damn proud of who I am! I have worked my ass off trying to get to where I am in life and I should never feel ANYTHING less than pride in myself and in my life.

When I look back on who I use to be, it saddens me. No one (and I do mean no one) knows that I (half-jokingly) told myself that if I ever hit 200 pounds, I would kill myself. I hit 200 pounds and remembered what I said and I got a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is that really what I use to think? I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my weight. I thought that I was disgusting because I was (and am) so big.

Sure, I'm still trying to lose weight but for me, it's a health thing (which kind of contradicts what I said above, but whatever- it's my blog). I go to the gym so that I can get in better shape to keep up with my friends. I am eating better so that I can live longer. Weight loss is more of a side effect for me. I KNOW that a portion of my weight is because I use to eat really, really badly and that I wasn't active at all (crap childhood and a wee bit of depression, I believe, made that so). I want to lose some of the weight that I KNOW came from a bad lifestyle, but I will NEVER be thin. I will ALWAYS be big because that is who I am physically and I can't change it.

AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE IT.

<3 - CFC

However many days ago, I got the topic submission: "Sexy underwear, we like it too!"

You know what? WE DO!

It is SUPER hard to find cute undergarments as a fat chick! SC and I went to Victoria's Secret and out of all the size L panties I bought, only one pair actually fit properly and even they aren't super comfy. My (I hate to admit this) tummy will push sexy underwear down. While self-pushing-down-panties are great for sexy-fun-times, they aren't good for ANYTHING else. I can't wear them out; I can't wear them if I want to walk! It's not even that I want a thong or anything like that, I just want something cute! Something with pretty designs that I can feel attractive in. It's the same issue that I have with finding cute/sexy bras. When you're bigger, it just doesn't happen. They just don't make things that big and it's not fair- I shouldn't have to go online to find cute bras or panties. I should be able to walk into the store the same as everyone else and buy what I want.

This comes back to ALL of EVERYTHING (classy phrase, I know) being geared towards skinny people in a country that's experiencing an obesity epidemic. It's not fair to big people to make everything only for skinny people. We're people too and we want to dress sexy the same as anyone else. Just because I am a bigger woman (I AM A FAT CHICK!!!) doesn't mean that I'm not sexy and that I don't want to dress sexy on occasion. Curves are beautiful and I shouldn't have to be ashamed of my body. The clothing industry causes bigger women (hell, even small ones!) to feel shame about their bodies and it isn't right. We are ALL people and we all deserve to feel prized and amazing in our own skin without an entire industry constantly putting us down.

Stay positive, friends. They're jerks and we're beautiful.

<3 - CFC