I did this sort of topic once in the very beginning of the blog, but I wanted to do it again because it's my blog and I can vent when I want to. You would vent too if it happened to you.

As some of you may know, I'm going to be in a couple of weddings this summer. Dress shopping as the biggest girl has reminded me of the fact that I am A BIG GIRL. It's taken a sledgehammer to my self esteem. So for all the skinny people out there, THIS is what I and my fellow fat people have to deal with. Keep this in mind when trying to shove us in to dresses with all your skinny friends.

CLOTHES
Clothing and I have a love/hate relationship. I love cute clothes and the people that make the cute clothes hate fat people. They HATE us. To make matters even worse, skinny people DON'T GET IT. "I can fit into EVERYTHING, so why can't you?" Because I'm fat with big boobs! No, I can't fit into that God forsaken dress! Since when is a size L THAT SMALL?!

I had an absolutely wonderful experience the other day. One of my best friends is getting married and I'm one of the "groomswomen." His bride-to-be has been looking at dresses for the other groomswomen and I to wear. I've already had to have the "big boob" talk with her about how large breasts must have enough fabric to cover them in a dress. The other two groomswomen are large chested like me (at a D I'm the small one). However, they're also skinny whereas I am the fat friend. We finally found a dress that we all liked and they only go up to an L which is APPARENTLY a size 10-12. That ain't happening. So I got to give her the "I am fat" talk complete with my measurements because having to cry at my desk feeling like a fat slob wasn't enough of an embarrassment.

She couldn't seem to understand at first why the dress wouldn't work since it's stretchy and that maybe they could take it out. First of all, no dress is stretching SIX inches and looking good. Second, you can't magically add fabric to a stretchy dress to let it out. It doesn't work like that.

It's not her fault I'm fat and it's not her fault she doesn't get it because she's never had to be fat or well endowed. Her and my skinny friends will NEVER understand.

So remember people, fat people need more fabric.

BEING THE FAT FRIEND
Being the fat one in the group SUCKS. It sucks hardcore. I've had guys become my "friend" for the sole purpose of trying to get with SC. Here's a tip, boys: FUCK OFF. Grow a pair and go talk to her instead of using me.

My skinny friends also just CANNOT understand that I am FAT. "No, you're not fat." Bitch please. I can see myself and I can read a scale. I am FAT. I didn't say I was ugly, I didn't say I wasn't awesome (I am), and I didn't say I wasn't sexy. I'm fat and it's clear as day. QUIT BABYING ME AND LIVING IN DENIAL. I pride myself in being able to put myself in another person's place and to be able to get where they're coming from. WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT I AM FAT?!

Going to the mall sucks. I might seriously stop going clothing shopping with SC and DF. They can go into Forever 21, Wet Seal, and ANYWHERE and find clothes. I get to tag along and get glares from the store workers because I can't fit into anything at their store. "Quit glaring, you're just jealous cuz you're flat chested!" I get bored and I feel like a COW. I leave the mall feeling like never eating again. Then when there's a store that I can fit in, they're bored and uninterested.

It's even MORE awesome when you also can't keep up with everyone else. I will avoid going places and doing things because I hate slowing down the group. I'm fat and I sweat, no I will not go for a hike, thank you though. And they JUST DON'T GET IT. "C'mon, it'll be fun!" How am I supposed to respond to your skinny ass that I am FAT and I can't GO THAT FAR and that my added layers make me SWEAT and I won't have fun because all that I'll be able to think about is how out of breath I am and how much I'm holding you back. GO ON WITHOUT ME.

THE DOCTOR
Ah yes, the doctor. The only other person that will acknowledge that I'm fat. I swear to GOD if I get one more weight loss lecture from them I'll scream. They should include that on my chart. "Already fat-shamed."

So there you have it, folks. I'm fat and I'm clearly angry about it right now. No, don't comment and tell me how awesome I am and how I can lose weight. Instead, maybe try to get people to understand what it's like being bigger and maybe, just maybe, don't belittle or discriminate against larger people. Even at my smallest I will still be a "larger" size. It's who I am. So take it or leave it.

<3 - CFC

This girl is pretty much my soul mate. We have a very similar story except I didn't go on anti-depressants or to therapy. I ate instead and bottled my emotions. I absolutely love this girl. She is AMAZING. I'm not doing this to be sexy (I'm already sexy) or to get guys (already have one); I'm doing this to be healthier. It's a lifestyle change.

<3 - CFC

Someone suggested that I write about what it's like doing social dance and being bigger. So I am. When I asked people about what I should write about, she said: "How guys assume bigger girls are bad dancers and automatically decide to not ask them to dance.....grumble..."

First of all, let me quickly define social dancing. I'm not talking about going clubbing, I'm talking about a setting where people do actual dances with other people, such as swing dancing (my main one), waltz, cha-cha, etc. According to Wikipedia: "Social dance is a major category or classification of dance forms or dance styles, where sociability and socializing are the primary focuses of the dancing. Social dances can be danced with a variety of partners and still be led and followed in a relaxed, easy atmosphere." Basically, you dance with a variety of partners.

There are two types of dancers in social dance: leads and follows. Leads are generally male and lead the dance and the females are generally follows and follow the lead. Guys generally are the ones asking girls to dance. Side note: Girls ask guys to dance ALL of the time and girls also can be leads. I myself am a lead in swing, though not a very good one yet.

Sometimes, bigger girls can feel ignored. Just because we're big doesn't mean that we can't dance or that we're going to throw all of our weight at you when we dip. I'm actually kind of bad at being dipped because I make sure NOT to give all my weight. When SC and I stand together talking at Swing, she'll get asked to dance way more frequently by people we don't know than I ever will. It's just sort of how it is.

My friend that requested this topic feels the same way that I do. We don't get asked to dance while skinnier people do. A part of it IS the social aspect and I'll admit that not only should we ask more (I get shy) and that maybe we should put ourselves out there more, but we still can't help but see that there is some stigma about bigger girls in social dance. Yes, we're big. Yes, we can dance. My friend and I are both good dancers and we're both bigger and there's nothing wrong with that. As my other friend said, "we have the bodies of dancers, but we actually eat." So don't fear our awesomeness: come dance with us.

<3 - CFC

Hello my friends, I'm CFC,
and I am a fat chick.
You may think that means some things,
but do not think too quick.
It's hard to find clothes in my size
and sometimes people stare.
You may think that I'm just fat
and that I do not care.
I care about my body
and I care about my health,
but I am me and I am fat
and I am just myself.
It's hard to be big sometimes
because people tend to judge,
but when it comes to me, I'm me-
on that I'll never budge.

<3 - CFC

This explains the problems with big boobs pretty well.

I'm fortunate in that I am but a humble D-cup. :P My closest friends that I spend the most time with are all in the DD range, so I feel small quite frequently, the bastards.

But seriously, having a larger chest can really suck. Don't get me wrong, I like my ladies, they just get in the way. There's nothing quite like knocking everything over with just your chest in front of other people, especially since they're all just basically staring at it by that point.

Finding a bra is a PAIN in the butt and they never make cute ones in bigger sizes! They're all for A or B cup, sometimes even C cup, but almost never D and above. It's like, here's your plain and hideous bra that you only found by chance. I can almost never find a bra with my band number because I'm a bit bigger around. The minute I find one, no matter what the price is, I basically HAVE to buy it for fear of never finding another one.

Then there's sports bras- HELLO, UNI-BOOB! The darn thing can't keep them from bouncing even though that's its job. I have one friend that has to wear two (or was it one and a shelf-cami?) to keep them from bouncing around a lot (which can seriously hurt).

Have I mentioned the sagging that can come from the ladies being bigger and gravity existing? Because it sucks.

Back problems later in life- my friends will have them. XD

Males, quit staring at them! Yes, they're there. Yes, they're awesome. No, you cannot touch them or blatantly stare at them. Stop it.

Clothes don't always fit right on large chested women because our boobs are too big while everything else fits. I remember the day I grew out of my favorite dress in the chest area. I was so sad. Smaller women with bigger chests (or women with really big chests) can have the problem of their shirts always being low cut because there just isn't enough fabric to cover it all.

Despite the fact that having a bigger chest can be a pain, I wouldn't give mine up for anything. I am a big girl and I would look really funny with a small chest. Ladies, love your ladies no matter their size, they give us power over men.

<3 - CFC

Hi all! CFC here. :) Apparently this blog has gotten SOME views. Hopefully they're not all just me trying to figure out setting up the bio and editing the page. That was fun: "How the mother do I do xyz?!" "Why does that look like that?!!!" "SONOFA-!"

ANYWAYS, I wanted to talk today about the little things I'm doing to get my mind off of being "fat" and how I'm focusing on other aspects of my physical being. I'll get to dealing with dealing with "fat" later.

WARNING: This may seem shallow to some people, but when you're battling self esteem issues, you sometimes have to be shallow to figure out how to start dealing with them. Yes, I will suggest make up and I will suggest changes, but only on a physical level (not like plastic surgery level or anything). You are who you are no matter what you look like. Who cares what other people think of how you look- this is about how YOU feel about how you look. These are little things I did/changed to start feeling better about MYSELF on a physical level. Once you've accepted yourself there, confidence can began to grow.

SO:
It started out with determining what about myself (physically) bothered me and whether or not I could actually change it. If I couldn't change it, I made myself look at it and say "this is who I am and I can't change this about myself. It's how I was made and it is beautiful just the way it is." Accepting the parts of yourself you legitimately can't change (defects, big nose, thigs like that) is important. Here's some of my list of things and what I did:

EYEBROWS: I utterly loathe and despise my eyebrows. They grow in light (I have dark hair- WTF?!) and the kind of grow out bushy on the ends instead of being in a nice pattern. Here's what I did to them:

• I got a little electric shaver (like the size of a pen) and trimmed my eyebrows on the sides. Now they are more of an arch shape.
• I got an eyeliner pencil that was close to my hair color (brown) and not super dark. I keep it sharpened so that I can pencil in my eyebrows. I don't do it super dark or make my eyebrows a different shape (now that they're trimmed). I just darken them.
• RESULT: My eyes (which I think are rather pretty) are more defined. I don't feel the need to wear eyeliner to define them as much. Now I'm okay with my eyebrows- they just need a little help.

LIPS: My lips bothered me. I love the shape of them, but they're SO PALE. I noticed when I wore lipstick, my face seemed less washed out. But lip stick comes off fast. I got Maybeline's Color Stay 24 lip gloss and now my lips have color all day. I got it in a shade that looks natural with my coloring and it close to what my lips look like when they're more colored.

HAIR: My hair just kind of hangs there. It's very straight and I never do anything with it. It parts straight and when I pull it back, I think it looks boring. First I tried dying it red, but that was more for fun and didn't help. So I bit the bullet and went to a stylist.

• She dyed my hair back to brown.
• She gave me layers so that my hair has "movement." It also lays nicer and I find it prettier. It's not so limp and boring.
• She gave me side bangs. Now when I pull my hair back, it always looks cute!
• She gave me good advice. I was using some gel in my hair to make it stop frizzing and lay down. This weighed it down and made it crunchy. Now I use leave in conditioner (makes it SO soft), a little bit of hair oil (to make it less frizzy), and I use a comb instead of a brush after I shower. I use a thermal protection spray and comb my bangs down as I dry them (same for my hair when I have time).

SHINY NOSE AND OILY SKIN: Powder and Clean and Clear Oil Absorbing Creme Cleanser. Bam.

THINGS I HAVE ACCEPTED:

• I will always be pale. I cannot tan and there is nothing wrong with liking your skin color.
• My head is huge. It cannot shrink. Boom. It has to hold my massive brain.
• My nose isn't nearly as big as I think it is. It look fine on my huge head and would look weird small.
• My big pores are staying. Whatever.
• Acne happens- I just gotta get over it.
• I have big feet- I never trip and fall. (Balance, man. Size 10's have their advantages.)
• I have weird feet. Where shoes with arch support and a non chafing heel and get over it.
• Bigger boobs aren't going to be perky. Get over it, CFC. Wear a decent bra.

These changes may seem small and petty, but when I look in the mirror, I don't just see a fat chick. I see someone pretty. I'm working with my "flaws" to make them apart of how I want to see myself. I want people to see me, not a bunch of make up. So I'm working to need less make up (read: full eyeliner and all) and just have bits of make up that help highlight my best features and detract from my flaws.

<3 - CFC

The products I just talked about/recommend. 

My super sexy eyebrows. It's hard to find a picture of myself before I started wearing eye makeup regularly. I don't wear it much anymore.

Why, hello shiny-nose and limp hair. How are you today?

This is RIGHT after I got my hair cut. I REALLY like it. I can't get it to lay exactly like that on my own, though. Stylists are magic. Note the shaped and dark eyebrows, the mouth that you can actually see, and non-shiny nose. I look fine without full make-up.

POKEBALL FLOWER! My hair has more volume now, in a good way instead of a "I AM POUFY AND FRIZZY" way.

As someone that has been fat for their whole life, I have a pretty good grasp of what it's like to be fat (maybe I should rename myself Captain Obvious?). Especially when your friends aren't. So here are some ramblings about what it's like living in the mind of a fat chick.

Background Info
I live with my best friend who is basically my sister. We'll name her SC for Skinny Chick. SC is small, thin, has huge boobs, an actual ass and hips, and everyone loves her. She's sweet, has a family that loves her and has supported her, and guys are attracted to her. I love her dearly, but she will never and can never understand what it feels like to feel fat and unattractive ALL THE TIME.

The "Joys" of Having Hot Friends
I do social dancing (dancing where you dance with a bunch of different people, like swing) with my friends and there have been so many times when SC and I will be sitting on the side and guys will just keep asking her to dance and I barely get asked once. All I can think is that it HAS to be because I'm fat and she's so perfect. It's really hard not to think like that all the time. It's one of those things that you have to keep fighting.

Further, I've had guys come talk to me or become my friend just for the sole purpose of trying to get with SC. It's infuriating and it makes it super hard to trust a guy's intentions when he wants to be your friend. It's like, are you just being nice to the fat friend because her friends are so hot?

Clothes
Oh my GAWD, I could rant about clothes forever. You go shopping and hold up an extra large and it's like, how the hell am I supposed to fit in that? That is clearly made for a skinny chick. Then you go to plus size and it's like, can't they make anything cute in MY size? And then every single brand of clothing sizes differently. My boyfriend bought me two corsets (I said I was fat, not ugly) online. I chose XXL just because I heard that their sizes run small. They don't FIT. They barely fit SC! I have a size L corset from Charlotte Russe that fits just fine and these stupid ones, fully unlaced, won't even fit around me. When you're fat, nothing fits right and sometimes clothes shopping can be hell.

<3 - CFC