Buckle in people, I'm angry blogging. Welcome back to my blog, here is some rage.

Have you ever posted or said something negative as a way of venting only to have people want you to be positive? How dare you post or say what you're really thinking, don't you know that you can only be happy? This is a negativity free zone, thanks.

I had a bad weekend recently where my biological father (that I only met back in 2013) said ANOTHER hurtful and terrible thing to me. He likes to wait for any holiday or major event to do this for maximum impact. I posted on Facebook (I know, I know- vaguebooking is bad but pain isn't always rational) saying to not meet your parents if they weren't in your life because you would regret it. This is my truth right now and I am not in a mindset where I can care if it isn't yours. I'm upset and I am hurting. I need to let these emotions have their time.

Instead of getting support (this was my private page with only friends on it), people felt the need to instead tell me to be positive and that what I said isn't true for everyone and that they themselves had a good, complicated, or whatever experience when they met their estranged parents. Rather than start yelling at everyone (I'm in a lashing out phase so I've quarantined myself), I deleted the post. I can't deal with it right now.

Yes, I said an absolute statement. It is a platform where people can comment. But right now, I am in PAIN and I wanted to let out my pain and maybe talk about it- all vaguebooking really is is a cry for help into the void and hoping someone will hear you.

I do not want to be positive right now. I do not want to hear about how other people have parents that aren't terrible people or about how their experience was better than mine. I want to GRIEVE. I want to let the hurt have its time. I am angry and I deserve to be angry.

You see it all the time on social media- the positivity police. "Look on the bright side!" "Think positively!" I'm sure I've been guilty of it too. Here's the thing- I know first hand that bottling things up isn't good for you; I had to do it for 15 years and I've been in therapy for ages now. It. Isn't. Healthy.

Pretending to be happy and bubbly all the time isn't healthy because you're denying your emotions, which ultimately makes them fester. Sure, you can't just emotion vomit everywhere, but in your own personal space (both online and IRL), you shouldn't have to be anything but yourself. If you see someone hurting, you should reach out to them, not immediately try to force your opinion on them or try to make them be positive/happy when they aren't ready to be. Ask them if they're okay and just LISTEN. You're not there to fix it unless they ask you to. This is something I've worked really hard to try to be better at myself, which is why I simply deleted the comment and wrote this blog instead. It's helping me vent.

For right now, I'm going to let my pain run its course without trying to be happy about what's good in my life. The good things will still be there when I've moved on in a day. Or two days. Or however long it takes me to get out of the hole I was thrown back into. I thought I had filled the "Why doesn't my mommy love me and why didn't my daddy want me?" hole years ago but here we are. Grief is funny that way. People make fun of the word "triggered" all the time, but I am legitimately triggered right now. I'm that child who cried herself to sleep almost every night for 15 awful years all over again and I need time to find my way back.

Just let people have their grief. It isn't healthy to try to ignore it.

<3 - CFC

I had a very unpleasant "clubbing" experience this weekend that opened my eyes and reinforced a few things about my personality that I have been denying. I won't really go into details because I'm not a fan of people trashing their friends online, but just know that it was a sucky-ass time, I hated every moment of it, and I will NEVER go clubbing like that EVER again for the rest of my days. Let's just say that the night ended with me dropping some friends off in Capital Hill (Seattle, WA), getting called a "bitch" and a "pussy" by some of said friends, and then having a full blown, hyperventilating, sobbing panic attack alone in my car as I attempted to get home (New rule: pull over during panic attacks. I was panicking at the time and just wanted to get home.).

I don't do drunken crowds of people spilling off of sidewalks while I attempt to drive through with people yelling at me in the back seat, it would seem.

So, that being said, here are some things that I will not be apologizing for anymore or making excuses about. I am DONE feeling bad about and apologizing for who I am. If I can learn to love my fat and wonderful body, you can bet that I can love my awesome and amazing personality. This isn't about me not leaving my comfort zone (I frequently hurl myself out of my comfort zone just to see what will happen), this is about me accepting who I am becoming and no longer doing things I don't want to do just because I feel like I have to (such as clubbing).

(IF MY FRIENDS, WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE, READ THIS: This isn't me trashing on or hating you. I'm sure we'll move past this and that I won't be invited out for wild party nights anymore, which is fine by me. XD This is me learning from an experience.)

1. I am NOT sorry that I am becoming more introverted.
I have always identified as an extrovert and all the Briggs Meyer type tests that I've taken have labeled me as one. HOWEVER, I was always a bit borderline and I like to refer to myself as an "introverted extrovert," since I have major characteristics of both. I guess that actually makes me an ambivert, but I like my title better.

Most of my childhood was spent alone in my house. From 5th grade until sometime in high school or junior high, I would come home from school and be alone until either I went to sleep or right before. I relished those times because I did not like being around my family and any reason to not be in the same room as my abusive, screaming mother was a good reason. While I was pretty much a pure extrovert as a child, this epic amount of alone time without the pressure and stress of being around my family made me cherish my time alone.

As I've gotten older, that introverted part of me has grown stronger. I still get energy from crowds of friends, but I need time to recharge if I'm out too long. I no longer like being in a sea of pounding music and pulsating pelvises (that's what I think of the club scene). Once I left Bellingham (and all the people I hung out with) and moved to Renton, I became very lonely. However, my volatile and high-stress childhood made me very adaptable to changes in my life, leading the introvert side to shine through.

I am not lonely anymore.

2. I am NOT, nor will I ever be, sorry that I have anxiety issues.
Anxiety runs in my family; my grandma and mother both have anxiety issues. As I get older, these hereditary issues start cropping up more. It's not as bad in me, but I can get anxiety/panic attacks if I get too overwhelmed. I am lucky in that they are weak enough that I can kind of control them. I recognize what is happening and that I'm not dying and I can kind of let them pass and calm myself down.That doesn't make them any less unpleasant.

I have always seen this as weakness in myself (which is funny, because I don't think of other people with anxiety as weak). I grew up being forced to be an adult at an early age. I had to think on my feet, raise my sister, and deal with sudden, volatile situations on the fly with a certain level of poise. I had to be able to sit and take loud, verbal abuse for hours while dealing with a screaming child, schoolwork, and housework; all while maintaining a level head, nearly 4.0 GPA, and never letting my emotions get out of control (I REALLY relate to Frozen's "Let it Go"). So the fact that I can't deal as well with some situations makes me feel weak because I always could before. 

But I am okay with it and I am not sorry anymore. I am not weak; I have just been strong for so long that I am tired and a bit more high strung than I use to be. I can't help that I have anxiety issues. All I can do is cope with them and stop feeling like it's a weakness.

The ironic part of this is that I do my best work under pressure. Go figure.

3. I am NOT sorry that I do not like crowds.
I don't like crowds of strangers. I discovered that in 10th grade when I was suppose to welcome the incoming freshman and completely froze up.

Not much has changed since then. #sorrynotsorry

4. I am NOT sorry that I am not a big drinker/partier/total lightweight. 
A large part of my family is composed of alcoholics. The mother I mentioned previously? Alcoholic partier. One of my main goals in life has always been to not be my mother. Thankfully, alcoholism isn't something that I inherited. I never have been "black out" drunk and I know when to stop and switch to water. I like drinking OCCASIONALLY, but overall. it's not my most favorite thing and it's just empty calories that make me feel sick the next day. I really need to be in the mood to want to drink.

I personally don't get the allure of partying or drinking in public. I have never made out or "been with" a stranger. I have never grinded on a stranger or been drunk outside of someone's home. I have never really lost control of myself, even when drunk.

I have a little voice in my head as I'm drinking that tells me not to do stupid stuff and makes me drink water after a certain point. That voice doesn't magically appear when I've been drinking; it is ALWAYS there. I ALWAYS think of what could happen (part of the anxiety thing). I ALWAYS prepare for EVERYTHING. It's what makes me a good event planner/coordinator, but a horrible partier. I am incapable of ever letting myself go wild (I'm probably a control freak) and that isn't a bad thing.

I am not sorry that I am this way.

5. I am NOT sorry that I can be a bit of a control freak.
I ADMIT IT: I have a control freak side. I have fought against that phrase and this side of me for a long time and I give up. I don't try to control people or their lives, but I do stay in control of me and my life. It's a part of that "growing up in a shitty home" thing that I mentioned above- I had to maintain control at all times. I had to control my sister's life to an extent to make sure that she didn't end up like me (emotionally crippled and anxiety ridden). I had to try to control her temper tantrums. I had to try to steer my mother. I had to keep situations under control and I never got a break. It's no wonder to me that months after I left, my mother completely relapsed into drinking and that her and my dad broke up and she was kicked out of the house; I was the one who had been holding everything together. I was under a constant strain from ages 4-19 (bear in mind that I am only 24 right now) and it is not surprising that that left its mark.

All I ever knew was stress, needing to be in control, and suppressing my emotions at all times. Is it any WONDER to ANYONE that I am the way I am? It's a wonder to me that I turned out as well as I did. 

6. I fall victim to peer pressure more than I care to admit.
Apparently, "just have a drink" works on adult me and not teenage me. I have a very hard time saying no to my friends/family when they encourage me to drink/eat. It sucks and I need to learn to say no. 

In Conclusion...
...these are the parts of me that I hate and I am done hating or denying them. They are a part of who I am today and they are the byproduct of circumstances that were *gulp* beyond my control. I am who I am and I can't deny it anymore. I can't try to be someone that I'm not and I won't apologize for it.

This is all stuff that I have a hard time explaining or saying out loud and posting it here is enabling me to come to terms with it and explain it to my friends. Yes, this is very personal and very painful to share, but I think it's worth it if even one person can relate to it or if even one friend understands me better.


<3 - CFC

Hi everyone! Long time no blog! :3

You may or may not be wondering how I've been or what I've been up to. Well, I've had a hard time thinking of something to blog about and I don't really want to blog for the sake of blogging, if that makes any sense, so I've been away from the writing board.

I'll dive right into the new thing that I am doing: I joined a group called Save Fitness, a group created by Tanji Johnson, an IFBB pro. What is IFBB, you may or may not be asking? IFBB is the International Federation of Bodybuilding and Fitness; Tanji is a body builder and competes in both physique and fitness. Yes, there are different levels in body building, as the pic below illustrates (fitness is where you do a routine that showcases your fitness level). Basically, this blog is about why I joined and some of the internal struggles that I have faced in doing so. I have only been a member for a few weeks.

PLEASE NOTE: If you wanna bash ANY of these women, you can get the (pardon the term) FUCK off of my website right the hell now. I don't tolerate fat shaming and I sure as hell won't tolerate ANYONE saying how "she looks like a man" or "she's too skinny" or whatever garbage someone's bigoted brain shoots out because I don't tolerate body-shaming PERIOD. I am ALL ABOUT body acceptance at any size, just as I am ALL ABOUT health at any size. These women are GORGEOUS and I will throw down with anyone that dares to say different. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO HAVE A BODY.

WHY I AM DOING THIS

I joined Save Fitness for a few different reasons. The first and foremost reason is that I desperately want more friends. Since I moved down from Bellingham, I've found that it can get kind of lonely, just the fiance and I. Not only that, almost NONE of my close friends are fitness minded; I can count them on one hand (dear friends reading this: I love you all, I swear!). I've always been more of a loner when it comes to doing things, but trying to learn more and be healthier has been REALLY hard to do alone. It's hard to try to "eat clean" or whatever when everyone around you (including the previously mentioned fiance) is pounding down delicious, delicious food and/or encouraging you to skip a work out and/or encouraging you to take a drink/stay up late. I need to be around people that have the same values that I am working so hard to develop so that I can stay motivated and focused, even when I'm around my friends that can eat for days with no consequences (and so maybe I can quit trying to eat my weight in donuts/pizza because I have an unhealthy relationship with food).

Another reason I wanted to join is because I wanted to see if I really could compete. I want to prove to the world that this fatty-since-birth, this the-fat-friend, could DO IT. I want to compete in 2015 in bikini or figure. I prefer the glam of bikini, but my muscle building ability and lack of balance/sass make me think I'll be better suited to figure. Neither is better than the other; it's for purely shallow reasons that I favor bikini (I prefer the suits and poses :3).

I've said it before and I'll say it again: IT'S NOT ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT. I DO NOT HATE MY BODY. It's about trying to be the healthiest I can be and I LOVE MY FAT, PALE BODY. Even if the below makes it seem like I don't.

MY STRUGGLES SO FAR

(If any of the girls in Save Fitness are reading this right now, this is not about you. You've all been great and supportive; this is all purely internal and based off of my own insecurities.)

My first, actual impression of Save Fitness was during the initial consultation. You, along with a group of however many other women signed up, come and meet with Tanji and she explains to you about competing to make sure that you understand how much work it really is. She also takes your through some of the poses. Tanji is AWESOME and I loved the girls I met and was super excited to learn more. On the other hand, I was painfully nervous.

I was the fattest, palest woman at that gathering.

I suddenly felt like a swollen whale and I just wanted to curl into a ball and hide. They were all very nice and I don't think anyone was judging me, but I was judging me and comparing my body to theirs. My mind was screaming "What are you even DOING here? LEAVE. You have no business here with these people. You don't fit in. Get out. Come back when you can stop being such a fat ass. LEAVE. You are the ONLY person here without a background in sports or ANYTHING. LEAVE." When Tanji said that we were going to be taking turns posing in front of everyone else, I almost died again. "WHAT?! I am WAY too fat to be up in front of these fit females! I AM A COW. Oh GOD they'll all see how pale, uncoordinated, and FAT I am." I love my body, I honestly and truly do. That being said, I am still human and sometimes, I can become almost paralyzed by insecurity. 

I want to tell you that I overcame it. I want to tell you that I said "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR" and rocked it. I gave myself pep talks on the inside. I assured myself. I reminded myself of how far I have come. I did the posing in front of everyone and it was just as bad at it as I thought I would be. I want to tell you that I was strong and that I found my self-confidence again. 

The truth is, I went out to my car and cried when it was over. I just bawled my eyes out and I have no real idea why.

How could I, the perpetual fatty, every hope to compete? How could I fit in? How could I have ever thought that I would be WORTHY? Look at those girls, why can't I do that! Why can't I look like that? Why can't I BE that? Why have I been eating like I'm starving for the last three weeks? Why has it been months since I've seen progress? BLAH. BLAH. SELF DOUBT. BLAH.

Well, me being me, I went on to the next step, which was a private consultation with Tanji. Again, I want to tell you that I was super confident and killed it; I didn't. I saw that she had the girl before me take her shirt off (or maybe she just lifted it up, I can't remember) in the gym mirror while surrounded by people and I wanted to bolt for a second. What if she makes ME take my shirt off?

Long story short, she didn't, and it was alright. She was super cool. :3 

MY DECISION

Well, me being who I am, I can't just quit. I have this almost sick need to push myself well out of my comfort zone, even if it leaves me crying in a parking lot plagued by self-doubt and insecurity. I HAVE to work past this. I have to embrace who I am RIGHT NOW at any size because that is what I stand for. That is why I made CFC. CFC is like Batman: she is a symbol. (Heehee, I compared myself to Batman. That makes me positively giddy with glee.) I cannot let that symbol down, just like Bruce Wayne can't let down Batman. "People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man, I'm flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed; but as a symbol... as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting." I will never stop striving to spread body acceptance and the only way I can do that is by ALWAYS accepting my body exactly as it is. THAT is what CFC is all about.

If Tanji asks me to take my shirt off in the gym (which apparently she does), I am going to take it off and everyone can gaze at my PALE, FLABBY GLORY AND BASK IN MY AWESOME.

I'll let you know how it goes. ;)

<3 - CFC

P.S. I need a Super-CFC logo STAT, now. :)

UPDATE, 6/11/2014: OMG. My friend made me a Super-CFC logo!!! :D :D :D I LOVE IT.

I learned something very important about myself this holiday season: I have an inability to say no. For those of you that don't know me "in real life," I have always been considered a bit of a bitch. I'm the person who can be firm (or as SC condescendingly calls it, "mean") when the situation calls for it. If I don't want to do something, I won't (or wouldn't, I should say) do it (not counting work). I will say what needs to be said no matter how unpleasant because I am honest (again, SC would say that I'm "mean," though how mean can it be to say the cruel truths to someone when they NEED to hear them?).

The Story

This holiday season, I was over at my a family member's house on a Friday night (I can't remember why for the life of me) with my fiance. There were a bunch of people there (friends and family alike) and everyone was drinking (I wasn't- not out of morals, but because I just didn't want to that night) and being, well, rambunctious like we always are. To make a long story short, I really wanted to leave at around 11pm because I needed to get up early to take care of some stuff around the apartment and run some errands.

But, whenever I tried to leave, everyone kept putting me down. "Do you NEED to leave? It's not like to need to go to work or doing anything important! Stay!" and just belittling me and the things that I needed to do (such as going running). My drunken fiance was no help at all because he ignored me and wanted to stay too. I had worked all day, it had been a long week from hell, and I get really tired after 11pm nowadays because I am a fucking responsible adult and go to bed at a decent hour because I work early on weekdays. Sorry that I grew up.

I ended up staying until well past midnight, maybe even 1am, and not enjoying myself at all. I was not happy that my fiance had been drinking a LOT even though I had asked him not to so that he could drive home (I get road hypnosis pretty badly and it gets worse when I'm tired) and so that he wouldn't be an annoying ass. When I finally had enough and said that I wanted to leave, people were STILL calling me names while we were packing up and heading out the door. They were calling me an old lady and other stuff and I was just sick of it and exhausted. I also ended up driving home while fighting waves of exhaustion. 

Guess what? I ended up waking around noon because I was so tired and didn't get anything I needed to do done.

Do I sound a pissy? It's because I am. I am pissed that they kept doing that to me (it doesn't help that I get a new lecture every time I come over there lately). However, upon further angry reflection (I've made progress, but I can still hold grudges), I should have just flipped them all the bird and said no (maybe not that first part), so they're not entirely to blame.

The Realization

I started to think more about it and I realized something that, to me, is kind of awful: I CAN'T SAY NO ANYMORE. I use to be this headstrong person (or I thought that I was), but if something isn't major, I'll just keep saying yes to my own detriment. 

It's not just other people: I CAN'T SAY NO TO MYSELF AND NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach when I came to that realization. A chunk of my debt is because I couldn't say no to something I didn't need or couldn't afford. My weight is because I couldn't say no to offered food or food that I wanted. I can't say no when I think it's at all rude to do so. Yes, there are outside circumstances that made things worse (lay offs, hours cut, crappy childhood where food and shopping became comforts, blah blah blah) but those are just EXCUSES. I have a stable job and life now, I have no excuse! NONE!

A Promise

So I am making a promise to myself and to you, dear reader. I am going to start saying NO. I am going to stand up for myself, even when it's against myself. I am going to say no to myself when I want to over-indulge or want to skip something that I need to do. I am going to say no to offered food if I don't really want it or am not that hungry. I am going to say no when people try to get me to do something I don't want to (like stay over late). I have always been considered an assertive person, maybe it's time that I start to act like one.

JUST. SAY. NO.

<3 - CFC

Hi all,

I imagine that the title of this post confuses some of you, so allow me to explain a bit. 

Explanation
My best friend, whom I dubbed SC on here (which stands for Skinny Chick, because I am original and super great at making up code names), and I have been inseparable for years. We have been friends since 5th grade and best friends since 10th. Everything we did, we did together. We were each just a part of the whole, for the most part. It was never just CFC or just SC- it was always SC and CFC (people used our real names, of course). 

After high school, I left my not-so-great home and lived with SC in her room at her parents' house for about a year and a half. We celebrated birthdays and holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc) together, worked at the same places, and shared our problems. We were basically like a married couple minus the romance and stuff like that. For instance, when she had an issue with her bank account, I said something along the lines of "it's okay, we'll get through it" and started to think of how we could get more money.

Did I mention that it was her bank account and that I treated it as if it were my problem? She does the same thing with me. Well, did. It's different now.

We moved away from home and lived together up in Bellingham to attend college. We went to the same middle school, junior high, high school, community college, and university together. I remember SC saying that when she ran into some friends of ours in Bellingham, they exclaimed "Look! It's one half of SC and CFC!" I'm telling you, we were attached at the hip.

I tended to (and sometimes still do) speak about myself in the plural form because I was a part of a whole. I used words such as "us" and "we" all the time (because I'm royalty, apparently). We talked every day and had what we called the "psychic link/bond" because we could basically read each other's minds. We have a cat together, shared all of our stuff, bought stuff together, and oddly enough I'm marrying her cousin.

The point is, we were TIGHT.

Hi all,

So as some of you may have noticed, I've become a bit obsessed with fitness and I've basically come out and said that I want to lose weight (like you all didn't know that already). I'm still all about body acceptance and if you like yourself and you're considered "heavier," my hat's off to you. I love myself and accept myself as I am right now too; however, I want to make myself BETTER. CFC version 3.0, baby!

I have been "fat" for as long as I can remember. I was chubby through middle school, bigger in junior high, and fat in high school. It wasn't until I reached university that I REALLY got big. Instead of the freshman 15, I got the freshman 30. I was poor (aren't most college kids?) so I ate pretty much nothing but pasta, pasta sides, and pasta TV dinners.

PASTA IS EVIL!

More specifically, eating a LOT of pasta ALL of the time is evil. Pasta in moderation is amazing and yummy and wonderful. Pasta all the time is carbs and fat and WHY DO I SUDDENLY WEIGH SO MUCH?!

Enough about pasta. This isn't supposed to be about my love affair with pasta.

ANYWAYS, I was big. I swear, every year I went up another pants size. I got up to a size 20 and was perilously close to going up to a size 22 (the one pair of size 20 jeans I owned was getting tight). I refused to wear jeans because they were too confining for my tummy and I could almost never find my size. I was miserable and embarrassed to be in my own skin. I couldn't physically keep up with my friends and I would get winded easily. I remember going on a hike with two of my skinnier friends and being winded, sore, grumpy, and always at LEAST twenty feet behind them. It was embarrassing and miserable. (What is with all of this past tense? I STILL can only half keep up with them and still don't fit into a lot of clothes, lol). 

But I was lazy and ALWAYS busy, so I ignored it. I figured that one day I would get healthy, I would just do it "later." 

I'd say my wake-up call (my "later") came when I stepped on the scale one day (because apparently I was feeling masochistic) and it read 206 back at me. I was mortified. I once told myself (jokingly, I hope. I'm not even sure if I was joking, which is the scary part) that I would kill myself if I got to 200 pounds. I felt an ice cold knot in my stomach. Suicide is no laughing matter (BELIEVE me, I have dealt with it a lot in my life). I felt sick. Had I really hated myself and my life enough to say that at some point in the past? (Answer: Yes. But this is neither the time or place to get into that.)

That was when this blog was born. This wonderful, amazing blog that allows me to vent, allows me to learn, and allows me to track my progress. Since the beginning of this blog, I've lost almost 20 pounds. I've had my highs and my lows, my months of progress followed by months of plateauing and stopping. I started this blog with two things in mind: learning to love myself and making myself a healthier person. I have met some amazing people through my FaceBook page. 

I have become things that I never thought I could be. I am a blogger, a dancer, a fitness junkie, and an amateur runner (my first 5K is in December!). I love eating healthy food and my body no longer rejects vegetables as a foreign substance. I'm still bigger and I still have a LONG way to go before I am anywhere near where I want to be, but the fact is that I am GOING. That, and I still can't completely kick my addiction to junk food, but no one is perfect.

In the back of my mind. the biggest reason I started this blog was because I wanted to lose weight. I swore that I would always tell the truth to my readers and that I would be accountable to THEM when I failed. I can lie and break promises to myself pretty easily; I can't do the same thing to others. I wanted to go about my weight loss without supplements and without fad dieting; I wanted to change my lifestyle. I wanted to show the world that it could be done. I wanted to become healthier and learn to love myself regardless of what my body looked like.

Were my reasons to lose weight shallow? Yes and no. Who DOESN'T want to have an easy time finding clothes? Who DOESN'T want to be thought of as attractive? Who DOESN'T want to be able to keep up with their friends? Yes, I am a fat chick and I want to lose weight. Yes, I do talk about body acceptance while striving to change mine. No, I will NEVER apologize for that or any of this because it is MY life. These are MY choices. If you're fine just the way you are, big or small, then I am damn proud of you. Love yourself.


I love myself enough to know that I need to change my ways so that I can live a long and happy life. I wasn't happy when I ate crap food and was sedentary. Since I started working out a lot and eating better, I am HAPPY. I don't have bouts of almost crippling depression anymore. I don't have "dark" or "bad" days. I am simply high off of life and possibly the endorphins/dopamine that is released from all of my working out. It's a healthy high.

I am finally happy and on the road to staying that way, all thanks to starting this blog and this journey.


<3 - CFC

Hi all,

The name of this blog (and me) is Confessions of a Fat Chick, so maybe I should make some confessions. :)

• I talk a lot about eating healthy, but I still eat fast food. I go through phases of being able to resist food and then eating more than I should.
  
• I talk about being "fit," but I didn't get addicted to fitness until recently.
  
• I talk alot about body acceptance, but sometimes, I have a hard time accepting my body. Those times aren't as common as they use to be, but I do have times where I hate what I see in the mirror. I get down on myself just like everyone else.
  
• Sometimes, and I HATE myself for this, I find myself judging other fat people. When I realize what I'm thinking, I make myself stop and I kind of internally yell at myself. I regurgitate what society has trained us to think about fat people and I hate when I do it. I cannot be the only person that sometimes finds themselves doing this.
  
• I am all about body acceptance and I want to accept mine and that's what this page is about. However, I also use it to track my weight loss and fitness goals because I want to lose weight. I want to accept my body as it is and damn it, I want to lose weight because that is something that I always wanted to do. You can judge me for that, I don't care. But it's my body and I'll do what I want and what I want is to lose weight for ME. If I stay "fat," that's fine. I just want to be back to my "fat" high school weight. That would be GREAT.
  

<3 - CFC

So.

As most of you can see from the progress page, I HAVE STOPPED MAKING PROGRESS. I don't even want to face it.

I feel kinda like crap. Not because of the lack of weight loss (though that isn't exactly helping after how well I was doing) but from the lack of exercise and good food. I tried to go back to veggies AND IT MADE ME SICK AGAIN (See Things to Keep in Mind When Switching to Fresh Foods). How LAME is that?

I'm in the process of moving and starting a new job and, for the first time in about 7-8 years, I AM GOING TO BE MY OWN PERSON. My roomie, SC (Skinny Chick), and I have been basically one person for almost a decade and now I'm going to be moving away from her and be on my own completely. So I said: "SCREW YOU HEALTH AND WEIGHT, I WANT COOKIES!!!" to which my body said: "THEN I WILL GET SICK WHENEVER YOU EAT VEGGIES!!!" I'm still not sure who won that battle because it's still being fought.

I'm making excuses. I have fallen off the health-wagon because I just don't care right now. I just don't. I am busy, living on a couch, and stressed as hell. I just do not have the strength to keep fighting my unhealthy ways. Thankfully, I haven't lost it completely so MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I will still be healthier.

<3 - CFC

So most people that know me believe me to be an extreme extrovert; I come off as very outgoing, for the most part. I can talk to people I just randomly meet with ease, address large crowds, and just interact with people well in general.

HOWEVER, that comes with certain set of stereotypes that I can't live up to because I am also an introvert. An introvert is someone who is more reflective and solitary; they may not necessarily be shy, but they like to have time to themselves and might not do as well in large groups. Introverts can get worn out from lots of social interaction and may need to recharge afterwards.

I am extroverted in that I gain energy in large crowds of friends when I'm in the mood. I am introverted in that being around groups of people can also be very draining for me. Introverts get a lot of flack because people think that they're shy or stuck up when really, they just need to be interacted with differently than their more outgoing counterparts:

A lot of you know that I do social dancing, which is where you dance with many different partners. A lot of people tell me that I would dance more if I went up to people and asked them to dance. What these people (usually extroverts) don't realize is that, for whatever introverted reason, it is almost physically painful for me to go up to complete strangers and ask them to dance with me; it actually makes me sick when I do. Then I spend the entire song trying to figure out what to look at and praying for the song to end. When they ask me, it's different. No, I don't know why- it's just how I am.

Extroverts can't comprehend this and, as such, try to force the introverts to be more extroverted, which is just painful and mean. Introverts come off as shy or stuck up to extroverts and extroverts come off as pushy and loud to introverts. It's the way of the world. Being that I am both, I can handle both, so that's a plus. However, I also have the drawback that neither side can understand me. Introverts have no idea how I can just be so loud and talk to random people and extroverts say that I'm a jerk because I want to be alone sometimes, which usually pisses me off a great deal and makes me MORE introverted.

Remember people, you can't change someone- be they an introvert, extrovert, or some weird mix of the two.

<3 - CFC

All my life, I was never a forgiving person. Ever. I was not taught forgiveness, nor did I have the capacity for it, much like I didn't have the capacity for love or happiness.I was raised in such a way that it became quite necessary to just feel nothing at all while putting on an act; the mask was more important than the girl. I was known as a bubbly girl all in pink when I was in Junior High/High School, but that wasn't me. I was very, very unhappy but too numb to actually FEEL unhappy. I just felt dead.

There is no worse feeling than feeling nothing at all. The actual things that you feel, the pain that caused you to go numb in the first place, just writhes inside of you, trying to find a way, any way, out of the bottle that you shoved it into. It's a feeling of being both out of control and so completely in control that nothing phases you. Your ups and downs are unique in that no one can see them because technically, they do not exist.

One can only live so long like that before they reach the breaking point. When I broke, it was with a bloody tear and I am still paying for it. I was an unsteady support that held certain things up and when I finally couldn't take it anymore, someone paid for it because I honestly believe that at that point, I was the only thing holding them up. Growing up, I carried a lot of weight on my shoulders and as such, I have always been a very responsible person and I have always and probably will always put anyone and everyone else before. The guilt ate me alive for years as I learned how to feel, how to be human.

When you go from feeling nothing at all, to everything at once, you feel things much more strongly than the average person, I've learned. You feel pain and anger with a white hot passion and with the same new intensity that you feel happiness and love. It's truly staggering. The transition was... interesting, to say the least.

I still feel things a bit stronger than most because I know what it's like not to feel at all. I feel emotions with my whole body and all that I am, which is both a beautiful curse and a terrible blessing. I have such a high capacity for love and happiness that sometimes I bubble over, but I also have a high capacity for pain and grief. Surprisingly, my anger has dissipated over the years. That wasn't expected.

The point of all this is that I'm doing something new: I'm "burning bad bridges." I'm bringing  things up with people that have hurt me (but that I just let slide) and putting them to rest; I'm confronting the various elephants in the room. I've done this with at least two people so far. One of those two was concerning an issue that's been weighing on me heavily for well over a year and I feel much better for having talked about it. It felt like having a weight removed from my heart.

I have learned to forgive. I will never be the "forgive and forget" type because I do not forget. However, I can now forgive and move on and learn from things that have happened instead of bottling them up.

I said before that I have always put everyone else first. The day I broke was, for me, the first time that I ever put myself first. I put my health, life, and mental well being first and the fact that it had such a wretched backlash that it nearly did me in. To everyone else, my "breaking" made me some sort of hero. I ran away and started a new life. I did this, I did that, blah, blah, blah. No one saw it for what it was: I RAN AWAY. I couldn't take the strain of the life I was supporting and I RAN. To me, I broke. To a normal person, I put myself first. For me, those were one in the same.

I'm tired of feeling like I did wrong. I'm tired of putting everything before my feelings. Starting this blog was the best thing I ever did because it allowed me to start talking. It allowed me to put my health first and it helped me make goals and start to achieve them. I said in my progress page that I wanted to become a better person. One way of doing that is to let go of the past and just live for now and live for the future. As I said before, I'm burning bad bridges. I'm ridding myself of negative connections to people.

It's going to be very hard and take awhile (working up the nerve to say, "Hey, remember when this happened and you treated me like crap and you totally thought we were passed that? Yeah, we're not yet. Let's talk about it" isn't easy) but I think that it will be worth it in the end. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have the sort of mentality where I just jump headfirst into these sort of awkward situations and then figure it out from there. While it frequently puts me into uncomfortable spots, it's a good thing, because if you never leave your comfort zone you never grow as a person.

I'm not saying that this sort of thing is for everyone, but it's sure helped me feel better about my life. If you ever want to talk about something, I'm right here.

<3 - CFC