Hi everyone, hope you all had a good holiday season!

Today, I would like to talk about a fat "relapse." I can't think of a word other than relapse to describe it (though fatty/sugary foods ARE addictive. So it kind of works?) and I absolutely hate the phrase "falling off the wagon" because when the hell did I get on a wagon and who is driving (I'm sick and sleep deprived right now, prepare for weird phrases)?

I (ironically) wrote an article a little while ago about getting through the holidays. I pretty much ignored my own advice and did everything I promised myself I wouldn't do. I haven't been to the gym in two weeks because I was so busy with the holidays (I did manage a few, short work outs, a lot of walking, and some dancing), I ate a crap ton (and now feel like crap), and I even managed to go on a few shopping sprees (...I still don't feel bad about this last one). If I wasn't so out of it right now, I would be mad at myself.

Just a few days can tear down months of work when you're trying to make a change. I'm trying very hard right now to become a better person all around- better with money, healthier, a better roommate, etc. Completely losing all self control is not how I do that. I didn't even log calories or anything. What the hell have I been eating? (Answer: ALL OF THE COOKIES)

So I'm going to take my own advice (for once) and just let it go. I've said this many times, and I'll say it again: a lot of people stay stuck in a lifestyle they don't really want anymore (or totally fail at getting healthier/getting fit/losing weight) because they let one bad day (or a bad week or two, as in my case) discourage them. They don't want to put in the hard work to start up again so they quit. I went back to my old vices- so what? Does that somehow make me a bad person? Am I any less sexy because of it? NO. I might have put back on a pound or two (F-U scale, I'm not checking), but who the heck cares?! This is a journey, not some crash course diet. I'm trying to get healthier and lead a better lifestyle while still embracing my curves. This blog may come off as me trying to lose weight to become a skinny chick but it's not. I'm trying to get healthier and part of that is learning self control.

I'm going to take these last few weeks as a lesson and start over. I haven't failed at what I'm doing, I merely made a mistake.

I haven't failed so long as I haven't given up.

<3 - CFC

I did this sort of topic once in the very beginning of the blog, but I wanted to do it again because it's my blog and I can vent when I want to. You would vent too if it happened to you.

As some of you may know, I'm going to be in a couple of weddings this summer. Dress shopping as the biggest girl has reminded me of the fact that I am A BIG GIRL. It's taken a sledgehammer to my self esteem. So for all the skinny people out there, THIS is what I and my fellow fat people have to deal with. Keep this in mind when trying to shove us in to dresses with all your skinny friends.

CLOTHES
Clothing and I have a love/hate relationship. I love cute clothes and the people that make the cute clothes hate fat people. They HATE us. To make matters even worse, skinny people DON'T GET IT. "I can fit into EVERYTHING, so why can't you?" Because I'm fat with big boobs! No, I can't fit into that God forsaken dress! Since when is a size L THAT SMALL?!

I had an absolutely wonderful experience the other day. One of my best friends is getting married and I'm one of the "groomswomen." His bride-to-be has been looking at dresses for the other groomswomen and I to wear. I've already had to have the "big boob" talk with her about how large breasts must have enough fabric to cover them in a dress. The other two groomswomen are large chested like me (at a D I'm the small one). However, they're also skinny whereas I am the fat friend. We finally found a dress that we all liked and they only go up to an L which is APPARENTLY a size 10-12. That ain't happening. So I got to give her the "I am fat" talk complete with my measurements because having to cry at my desk feeling like a fat slob wasn't enough of an embarrassment.

She couldn't seem to understand at first why the dress wouldn't work since it's stretchy and that maybe they could take it out. First of all, no dress is stretching SIX inches and looking good. Second, you can't magically add fabric to a stretchy dress to let it out. It doesn't work like that.

It's not her fault I'm fat and it's not her fault she doesn't get it because she's never had to be fat or well endowed. Her and my skinny friends will NEVER understand.

So remember people, fat people need more fabric.

BEING THE FAT FRIEND
Being the fat one in the group SUCKS. It sucks hardcore. I've had guys become my "friend" for the sole purpose of trying to get with SC. Here's a tip, boys: FUCK OFF. Grow a pair and go talk to her instead of using me.

My skinny friends also just CANNOT understand that I am FAT. "No, you're not fat." Bitch please. I can see myself and I can read a scale. I am FAT. I didn't say I was ugly, I didn't say I wasn't awesome (I am), and I didn't say I wasn't sexy. I'm fat and it's clear as day. QUIT BABYING ME AND LIVING IN DENIAL. I pride myself in being able to put myself in another person's place and to be able to get where they're coming from. WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT I AM FAT?!

Going to the mall sucks. I might seriously stop going clothing shopping with SC and DF. They can go into Forever 21, Wet Seal, and ANYWHERE and find clothes. I get to tag along and get glares from the store workers because I can't fit into anything at their store. "Quit glaring, you're just jealous cuz you're flat chested!" I get bored and I feel like a COW. I leave the mall feeling like never eating again. Then when there's a store that I can fit in, they're bored and uninterested.

It's even MORE awesome when you also can't keep up with everyone else. I will avoid going places and doing things because I hate slowing down the group. I'm fat and I sweat, no I will not go for a hike, thank you though. And they JUST DON'T GET IT. "C'mon, it'll be fun!" How am I supposed to respond to your skinny ass that I am FAT and I can't GO THAT FAR and that my added layers make me SWEAT and I won't have fun because all that I'll be able to think about is how out of breath I am and how much I'm holding you back. GO ON WITHOUT ME.

THE DOCTOR
Ah yes, the doctor. The only other person that will acknowledge that I'm fat. I swear to GOD if I get one more weight loss lecture from them I'll scream. They should include that on my chart. "Already fat-shamed."

So there you have it, folks. I'm fat and I'm clearly angry about it right now. No, don't comment and tell me how awesome I am and how I can lose weight. Instead, maybe try to get people to understand what it's like being bigger and maybe, just maybe, don't belittle or discriminate against larger people. Even at my smallest I will still be a "larger" size. It's who I am. So take it or leave it.

<3 - CFC

Today I've decided to write about writing in my blog. Reminds me of how metadata is data about data or metacognition is thinking about thinking... metablogwriting. That is today's blog: metablogwriting. ANYWAYS-

So far, I've really liked writing this blog. I feel like I'm accountable to my readers so I work harder than if I were only accountable to myself. I won't lie to you guys and say "Oh yeah, I totally went to the gym and didn't eat ALL the food" if I actually didn't. I don't want to have bad days because I don't want to have to tell others that I screwed up, so I avoid having them (if that makes any sense at all). I want to succeed because YOU want me to succeed. :)

I love the comments and encouragement that I receive on Facebook. It allows me to share my successes and failures and I know that people are out there rooting for me. I love "meeting" new people that have liked my page and talking to them. Seeing my page views and likes go up at all makes me so happy and makes me work that much harder!

I'd also like to say that I am 100% honest and totally myself on here. If you're reading this, you're basically reading my mind (now aren't YOU psychic). That's why there are so many things in parenthesis (I like parenthesis)- I'm basically writing my thoughts as I think them. This is an almost conscious stream of thought (I go back and try to edit the worst of it, possibly organize it). You may have noticed I jump around a lot. Conversations jump around in real life and this is my one-sided conversation with all of you (unless you comment. I love comments).

The only crap part is trying to write about something new every single day. I've been at this for a bit over a month now and I'm starting to falter on topics. It does challenge me creatively as a writer (though on here, I'm more of a rambler) to be able to come up with topics each day. It may not challenge my skill (what skillz?!), but it definitely challenges my imagination/creativity. That's why I have the survey on the side asking for topics and why I ask for help on Facebook. I want to know what you want to read and I want to get out of thinking of a topic for a day. ;)

Anyways, thanks for reading my ramblings and supporting my blog and I! I'll keep doing my best!

<3 - CFC

Hello my friends, I'm CFC,
and I am a fat chick.
You may think that means some things,
but do not think too quick.
It's hard to find clothes in my size
and sometimes people stare.
You may think that I'm just fat
and that I do not care.
I care about my body
and I care about my health,
but I am me and I am fat
and I am just myself.
It's hard to be big sometimes
because people tend to judge,
but when it comes to me, I'm me-
on that I'll never budge.

<3 - CFC

I was trying to figure out what to write about today and since it's Thanksgiving (HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!) I decided to write about what I'm thankful for today and everyday. Just to be mushy and sentimental (I'll try to keep it short). In no particular order:

• I'm thankful for the friends that I have been able to make this last year. When SC and I moved up here three years ago, we didn't really have too many friends. Now we have a whole family! :) It's been really awesome.
• I'm thankful for my swing family (from both clubs). Seeing them and dancing with them is the highlight of my week. I'm also thankful for those dance clubs because they make me so happy!
• I'm thankful for SC and Dancing Friend (DF). They're my two best friends and I wouldn't be anything without them.
• I'm thankful for My Little Pony. Don't judge. I love ponies, they make me happy.
• I'm thankful for my boyfriend because he is awesome and also makes me happy (even happier than ponies!). You should all be thankful for him too, he's out there for your sorry butts. :P HI BOYFRIEND WHO APPARENTLY READS THIS BLOG! ;-{D
  
• I'm thankful for whoever created birth control, for without it I am insane.
• I'm thankful for my full-time job that allows me to pay my bills.
• I'm REALLY REALLY thankful for my Grandma and foster-Mommy. They've really been there for me and take care of me. :)
• I'm thankful for my brat cat Sophie and the family dog Charlotte because that is unconditional love.
• I'm thankful for this blog and for all the people that read it. You're really helping me be a healthier, better person! :D
• I'm thankful that I'm sexy awesome.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone! Remember, be thankful and that you don't have to eat massive quantities of food. :) Hopefully I can keep my calories and sodium down today (no promises)!

<3 - CFC

For the people that know me, one thing can kind of stand out: I am very much myself. I don't try to be anything but exactly who I am. I'm loud, have a dirty sense of humor, swear, and am very blunt. "[CFC], saying it like it is." Anyone that's read this blog can tell that I don't really hold anything back. Shockingly enough, I wasn't always like this. 

This post is going to be the story of how I ended up not taking crap from anyone and being only me. 

When I was around 19 or so, I "ran away" from home to go live with my best friend's family. The consequences of that decision were extreme and something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. A thousand people can tell me that what happened to my family when I left wasn't my fault and that I had to do what was best for me (for once in my life), but they will never convince me. My leaving directly caused everything to fall apart and for someone to make a lot of bad decisions, pretty much destroying their life. I have to live with that until the day I die, regardless of whether or not it was "the right thing to do."

As you can imagine, I was in a very vulnerable state at that time, not something that I really like to admit. I'm not really the "vulnerable" type. I just wanted someone to see that something was wrong, that I was hurting and blaming myself. I just wanted someone to ask me what was wrong and to listen. That was all I wanted. 

A guy at work, who I'll creatively name "Guy," did. He saw right through everything. 

He saw I was hurting and he took advantage of my vulnerable state (not in a sexual way, thank you. :P We never even kissed or anything, praise God.)

He made me feel better about everything and listened to me. It was pretty awesome for awhile. I thought that I might even "love" him (I didn't). 

He started to try to change me. "Don't cut your hair, it looks better long." "Wear your make up more, it looks good on you." When I feel an emotion, I feel it with all that I am. He actually said that he preferred me sad (when I'm happy, I am HAPPY). He started taking me to the gym (Lord this sounds creepy in hindsight). It's like he was trying to make me into something that I wasn't. He didn't like me as a fat chick. He wanted me to be thinner. He wanted me to join his religion (that was so not happening). He wanted me to eat better for the sole purpose of being thinner. He was making me into a doll. 

What's funny is what the final straw turned out to be.

One day I literally just said the acronym "WTF" and he told me to stop swearing, ladies don't swear. Well EXCUUUUUSE me, I will fucking swear if I want to, thank you very fucking much. That ended it. I cried for days, but I made him take back his stupid gym membership and I stopped talking to him. He could take that membership and shove it. I stopped wearing all that eye make up just to spite him. I still don't really wear a lot of make up on a daily basis because I'm damn fine without it.

This song and this song became my anthems.

After that experience, I will NEVER let anyone dictate anything about me. I am perfect with all of my beautiful imperfections. I found a man that loves me for my swearing, dirty sense of humor, and likes me just as I am. He wants me to be healthier so I'll live longer, he doesn't give a shit about my size. He makes me feel beautiful exactly as I am and I will never settle for anything less than that again. I am worth it because I am amazing and anyone that thinks different can bite me. 

I will never regret whatever the hell I had with Guy because 1) NOTHING HAPPENED THANK GOD, 2) I learned a lot about myself, and 3) I now know how to use gym equipment. It took someone trying to change me for their purposes (whatever they were) for me to learn that the only person that should ever want to change me is me. I want to change to be better for ME. I want to be healthier for ME. I want to be a better roommate for ME. Part of me does want to be a better person for my bf because he makes me want to be better in a good way. I want to deserve that kind of love. 

The moral of this story is to be unashamedly yourself. If you're a loud person, BE LOUD. If you're quiet, be quiet. Just be yourself. Whoever deserves to be around you will love you exactly as you are. Never change for anyone but you.

<3 - CFC  

Yesterday was a bad day.

Maybe not BAAAAD per say, but certainly not good. It was bad diet day, a bad exercise day, and just a bad day in general.

It started out waking up dead tired. On Fridays I work 4am-Noon and got about three hours of sleep. My body isn't use to working out yet, so lately I've been needing more sleep and three hours was claearly not enough.

The crap morning got even better when I went to work and was slammed all morning, making me even more tired. I had to run down to one of our stores to grab something and when I got out to my car, I noticed that someone keyed the crap out of it.

That picture doesn't even capture how shit this is. So I ended up buying a sandwich at the store.

Even the sandwich sucked, but I ate it.

I went home and passed out after work, my calories and sodium intake already pretty high. I forgot to turn the wifi on on my phone so I missed the call from my boyfriend who's overseas. I slept so long that I didn't have time to go to the gym before I said I'd be at my friend's house to watch a movie. While there they made epic nachos covered in cheese and beef and veggies and I was so hungry and had had such a crap day that I ate a bunch of the delicious and wonderful nachos. I have no idea how many calories I ate yesterday and I didn't end up going to the gym because I was just so violently tired.

So the moral of this story is that bad days happen, in life and when trying to be healthier. Or both. Don't let the bad days define you and don't let one day of bad behaviors make you feel like you failed. I didn't fail, I had a bad day. So I'll try to make today a better day and just do better. I can't really make up for the lost gym time or the fact that I are more than I should have (especially with Thanksgiving next week and the gym will be closed), but I'm not going to worry about that because it was one day. This isn't a diet, this is changing a lifestyle so bad days will happen because you can't stop life from happening.

<3 - CFC

Deployments suck.

I can't think of anything fat related to write about, so I'm going to write about deployments today. As most of you know, I'm dating someone in the military. Dating HIM is awesome. Dating someone in the military is hard and can really suck, especially if you're not prepared to cope with it. It's the military part that can suck. Right now, my bf is deployed overseas and won't be back until March. I got lucky- I'm with someone that really is only gone for about six months at a time. If that sounds like an eternity for you (it is) and you couldn't go that long, don't date someone in the military. They have enough to deal with when they're done, they don't need a break up overseas to deal with or to come home to a cheating whore (which apparently happens A LOT). If you commit yourself to someone (and no, I don't care if it's marriage or just bf/gf) and you cheat on them, you are a disgraceful cheating whore and you should feel extremely awful about yourself as a person. Especially if you cheated while someone was deployed. /end rant

Lucky for me I've never been the kind of person that actually misses people (except, apparently, him). I know, it's weird, but I don't. I don't miss the people back home. I don't really get home sick. I think it has to do with my crap childhood. Don't get me wrong- I want to see the people back home again, I just don't experience the sensation of missing someone the same way.

Now that I get to enjoy this "missing" thing everyone talks about, here's some pros and cons to having your significant other deployed (if you don't look at the pros to make yourself smile, you'll just be miserable):

• CON: Lonely nights.
• PRO: ALL of the bed space. Seriously, I sleep like, spread eagle and have a twin bed. My bf is 6'3" and I move in my sleep. We have some crappy nights, lol. I plan on upgrading to a full before he comes home. :)
  
• CON: They're not there for big events (mine is missed Halloween and our one year anniversary and is going to miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, and Valentine's Day.)
• PRO: You have more free time to do what you want. (Fill that free time up or you will go insane. Why do you think  I blog and go to the gym and do two swing dance clubs while working 40 hours a week? I must never be without something to do. So PRO: Get more shit done.")
• CON: "Sexually deprived for your freedom." <- There's a reason why this saying exists. There's no hugs, kisses, hand-holding, cuddling, or anything. It sucks. I would kill for just a hug and a kiss right now. And now I'm tearing up. Awesome.
• PRO: ....I got nothing. I guess if you don't like the physical stuff? O.o
• CON: The random crying. It is just awful. I don't know if other people do that, but I do. Very infrequently and only when I'm alone. But sometimes I just miss him and it makes me really sad.
• PRO: ....Um... um.... if you're like me and it only happens occasionally, it's not that bad?
• CON: You're lonely.
• PRO: You get closer. I always thought the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" saying was a load of crap (probably because I never really missed someone before). It's not. I appreciate him more and we're "cuter" *gags*. I can't believe I can say that.

I got lucky in that I can FaceTime him almost every day for a bit and can still text (iPhones RULE). If we're both on wifi, texting and FaceTime are free, which is amazing.

TIPS FOR SURVIVING (from a n00b):

• Keep busy. I cannot stress this enough. I don't get sad as much when I'm busy, so I just stay busy. I do projects. I planned a big Halloween event for my swing club, made Christmas presents, do Christmas cards, this blog, the gym- anything. I'm usually more the... not introverted, but shades of it.... type, but now I have to have more social time.
• Count down or don't (depends on you). I started counting the days down from day one. That's how I roll. Each day, for me, is one day closer to seeing him and I like seeing the number go down each day. I started at 187 and now it's down to 120. I have a dry-erase countdown on my mirror and two jars of marbles for counting down. One has days left and one has days gone. Some people countdown months or paychecks, but that's not fast enough for me. I get super excited when I get to a "milestone." Like today- 120. Tomorrow will be 119 and I'm SO excited. :) I like counting things, alright?
  
• Communicate as much as possible. Emails, phone calls, letters, iPhones (which are AWESOME), or whatever. Communication is vital.
• Send care packages! You can send packages cheap to bases using flat rate boxes at the US Post Office. The biggest one is only around $14. It makes them happy and it's fun to do. Planning mine makes me happy. :)
• Wear something that reminds you of them. It could be a piece of jewelry or a locket with their picture. I have a name tape bracelet and a helicopter necklace charm I bought right when we started going out again. I also have a loop keychain from here that says "USAF Girlfriend" on it. It's the little things.

So yeah. Being a significant other to someone in the military is both an honor and a challenge. Deployments are a worrisome pain-in-the-ass and I hate them already. However, if you have the right person, it's totally worth it. :) I can almost hear SC (my roommate whom I've dubbed "skinny chick") gagging when she reads this.

<3 - CFC

I love food.

I really do.

However, my relationship with food goes beyond just "hey, food is yummy." I am an emotional eater. I absolutely hate it. I was raised in a rather unpleasant environment (also called abusive). Children and teens that are raised in an out of control and stressful environment can try to regain a sense of control in different ways. Some develop self destructive behaviors, such as cutting, drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse, or eating disorders. Apparently, I went with the third option there. Instead of developing anorexia or bulimia, I depended on food to make me feel good because nothing else in my life could or would. Add to that the fact that we didn't keep healthy food around the house and you can probably see one of the reasons why I'm fat. I'm actually tearing up a bit thinking about how pathetic that is. Food and writing were my salvation. I think I spent more time in my own little world than I did in the real one growing up.

However, I am no longer in that sort of situation (I kind of ran away. Though I was over 18, so can I call it running away?). The problem with me and food is that it feels like an addiction now. I crave certain things and I HAVE to have them. I can't seem to process "healthy foods" like vegetables and fruit very easily because I didn't eat them growing up (I get SO sick if I eat too many). Sweets and greasy food can help me with an upset stomach. I absolutely hate it.

I've read somewhere before that people who are big and eat a lot can have a harder time cutting back than a normal person trying to cut back. According to something I read but am too lazy to find again, it said that the starvation instinct becomes stronger because our bodies are so use to a certain level of food. It is very hard to diet when your body (and in my case, my mind) are use to a certain amount of food and certain types of food.

I'm trying to eat less right now and it is INSANELY hard. Even though I know I'm not hungry anymore, my body keeps trying to get me to eat. My appetite is greater than my actual hunger or food needs. I feel like an addict in that if I give in and overeat/snack on crap food/eat whatever and whenever, I don't stop. I can't have just ONE cookie ONE TIME. It's either none or all of them. Using a calorie counting app helps because I can see how many calories/how much sodium I've had and can remind myself to stop, but that doesn't stop the cravings (also I'm lazy and will choose not to eat sometimes just so I don't have to record it. It's the same logic that helps me save money by using a register). I was doing so well yesterday... until I ate a crap ton of cookies and salsa and chips.

Why am I writing this? So that people out there that are just like, "stop eating so much" to fat people can understand that it's not that easy. For some of us, it feels like an addiction. The hunger mechanism kicks in and it's almost impossible to ignore.

"I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle." -Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. That's right. I quoted that here.

I literally have the same compulsion to eat that I have to shop (shopaholic here too, lol). I come from a long line of alcoholics with some drug addicts thrown in for good measure. Almost everyone in my biological family has some sort of addiction or use to be an alcoholic and I am no exception. I have a very addictive personality and the impulses are very hard to control. I'm trying right now to get addicted to the gym (endorphin highs are very good for starting addictions...). Eating healthy is tougher because I have to say no to everything. No sweets, no grease, no junk. It's hard to change an entire lifestyle and it won't happen overnight. I will have "relapses" and bad days. But I'll keep on trying.

<3 - CFC

Do you know what happens after you only get two hours of sleep and then work for eight?

Not a trip to the gym! XD I came home and passed out for five hours instead and am going to someone's for dinner tonight. So therefore, no gym. I did, however, clean my room and car yesterday, freeze my cards (literally), and get a gym pass and pack my gym bag. You shall be defeated, Tomorrow!

<3 - CFC