I love food.
I really do.
However, my relationship with food goes beyond just "hey, food is yummy." I am an emotional eater. I absolutely hate it. I was raised in a rather unpleasant environment (also called abusive). Children and teens that are raised in an out of control and stressful environment can try to regain a sense of control in different ways. Some develop self destructive behaviors, such as cutting, drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse, or eating disorders. Apparently, I went with the third option there. Instead of developing anorexia or bulimia, I depended on food to make me feel good because nothing else in my life could or would. Add to that the fact that we didn't keep healthy food around the house and you can probably see one of the reasons why I'm fat. I'm actually tearing up a bit thinking about how pathetic that is. Food and writing were my salvation. I think I spent more time in my own little world than I did in the real one growing up.
However, I am no longer in that sort of situation (I kind of ran away. Though I was over 18, so can I call it running away?). The problem with me and food is that it feels like an addiction now. I crave certain things and I HAVE to have them. I can't seem to process "healthy foods" like vegetables and fruit very easily because I didn't eat them growing up (I get SO sick if I eat too many). Sweets and greasy food can help me with an upset stomach. I absolutely hate it.
I've read somewhere before that people who are big and eat a lot can have a harder time cutting back than a normal person trying to cut back. According to something I read but am too lazy to find again, it said that the starvation instinct becomes stronger because our bodies are so use to a certain level of food. It is very hard to diet when your body (and in my case, my mind) are use to a certain amount of food and certain types of food.
I'm trying to eat less right now and it is INSANELY hard. Even though I know I'm not hungry anymore, my body keeps trying to get me to eat. My appetite is greater than my actual hunger or food needs. I feel like an addict in that if I give in and overeat/snack on crap food/eat whatever and whenever, I don't stop. I can't have just ONE cookie ONE TIME. It's either none or all of them. Using a calorie counting app helps because I can see how many calories/how much sodium I've had and can remind myself to stop, but that doesn't stop the cravings (also I'm lazy and will choose not to eat sometimes just so I don't have to record it. It's the same logic that helps me save money by using a register). I was doing so well yesterday... until I ate a crap ton of cookies and salsa and chips.
Why am I writing this? So that people out there that are just like, "stop eating so much" to fat people can understand that it's not that easy. For some of us, it feels like an addiction. The hunger mechanism kicks in and it's almost impossible to ignore.
"I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle." -Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. That's right. I quoted that here.
I literally have the same compulsion to eat that I have to shop (shopaholic here too, lol). I come from a long line of alcoholics with some drug addicts thrown in for good measure. Almost everyone in my biological family has some sort of addiction or use to be an alcoholic and I am no exception. I have a very addictive personality and the impulses are very hard to control. I'm trying right now to get addicted to the gym (endorphin highs are very good for starting addictions...). Eating healthy is tougher because I have to say no to everything. No sweets, no grease, no junk. It's hard to change an entire lifestyle and it won't happen overnight. I will have "relapses" and bad days. But I'll keep on trying.
<3 - CFC
I really do.
However, my relationship with food goes beyond just "hey, food is yummy." I am an emotional eater. I absolutely hate it. I was raised in a rather unpleasant environment (also called abusive). Children and teens that are raised in an out of control and stressful environment can try to regain a sense of control in different ways. Some develop self destructive behaviors, such as cutting, drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse, or eating disorders. Apparently, I went with the third option there. Instead of developing anorexia or bulimia, I depended on food to make me feel good because nothing else in my life could or would. Add to that the fact that we didn't keep healthy food around the house and you can probably see one of the reasons why I'm fat. I'm actually tearing up a bit thinking about how pathetic that is. Food and writing were my salvation. I think I spent more time in my own little world than I did in the real one growing up.
However, I am no longer in that sort of situation (I kind of ran away. Though I was over 18, so can I call it running away?). The problem with me and food is that it feels like an addiction now. I crave certain things and I HAVE to have them. I can't seem to process "healthy foods" like vegetables and fruit very easily because I didn't eat them growing up (I get SO sick if I eat too many). Sweets and greasy food can help me with an upset stomach. I absolutely hate it.
I've read somewhere before that people who are big and eat a lot can have a harder time cutting back than a normal person trying to cut back. According to something I read but am too lazy to find again, it said that the starvation instinct becomes stronger because our bodies are so use to a certain level of food. It is very hard to diet when your body (and in my case, my mind) are use to a certain amount of food and certain types of food.
I'm trying to eat less right now and it is INSANELY hard. Even though I know I'm not hungry anymore, my body keeps trying to get me to eat. My appetite is greater than my actual hunger or food needs. I feel like an addict in that if I give in and overeat/snack on crap food/eat whatever and whenever, I don't stop. I can't have just ONE cookie ONE TIME. It's either none or all of them. Using a calorie counting app helps because I can see how many calories/how much sodium I've had and can remind myself to stop, but that doesn't stop the cravings (also I'm lazy and will choose not to eat sometimes just so I don't have to record it. It's the same logic that helps me save money by using a register). I was doing so well yesterday... until I ate a crap ton of cookies and salsa and chips.
Why am I writing this? So that people out there that are just like, "stop eating so much" to fat people can understand that it's not that easy. For some of us, it feels like an addiction. The hunger mechanism kicks in and it's almost impossible to ignore.
"I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle." -Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. That's right. I quoted that here.
I literally have the same compulsion to eat that I have to shop (shopaholic here too, lol). I come from a long line of alcoholics with some drug addicts thrown in for good measure. Almost everyone in my biological family has some sort of addiction or use to be an alcoholic and I am no exception. I have a very addictive personality and the impulses are very hard to control. I'm trying right now to get addicted to the gym (endorphin highs are very good for starting addictions...). Eating healthy is tougher because I have to say no to everything. No sweets, no grease, no junk. It's hard to change an entire lifestyle and it won't happen overnight. I will have "relapses" and bad days. But I'll keep on trying.
<3 - CFC
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