Confessions of a Fat Chick
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This Fat Chick's Relationship with Food

11/12/2012

7 Comments

 
I love food.

I really do.

However, my relationship with food goes beyond just "hey, food is yummy." I am an emotional eater. I absolutely hate it. I was raised in a rather unpleasant environment (also called abusive). Children and teens that are raised in an out of control and stressful environment can try to regain a sense of control in different ways. Some develop self destructive behaviors, such as cutting, drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse, or eating disorders. Apparently, I went with the third option there. Instead of developing anorexia or bulimia, I depended on food to make me feel good because nothing else in my life could or would. Add to that the fact that we didn't keep healthy food around the house and you can probably see one of the reasons why I'm fat. I'm actually tearing up a bit thinking about how pathetic that is. Food and writing were my salvation. I think I spent more time in my own little world than I did in the real one growing up.

However, I am no longer in that sort of situation (I kind of ran away. Though I was over 18, so can I call it running away?). The problem with me and food is that it feels like an addiction now. I crave certain things and I HAVE to have them. I can't seem to process "healthy foods" like vegetables and fruit very easily because I didn't eat them growing up (I get SO sick if I eat too many). Sweets and greasy food can help me with an upset stomach. I absolutely hate it.

I've read somewhere before that people who are big and eat a lot can have a harder time cutting back than a normal person trying to cut back. According to something I read but am too lazy to find again, it said that the starvation instinct becomes stronger because our bodies are so use to a certain level of food. It is very hard to diet when your body (and in my case, my mind) are use to a certain amount of food and certain types of food.

I'm trying to eat less right now and it is INSANELY hard. Even though I know I'm not hungry anymore, my body keeps trying to get me to eat. My appetite is greater than my actual hunger or food needs. I feel like an addict in that if I give in and overeat/snack on crap food/eat whatever and whenever, I don't stop. I can't have just ONE cookie ONE TIME. It's either none or all of them. Using a calorie counting app helps because I can see how many calories/how much sodium I've had and can remind myself to stop, but that doesn't stop the cravings (also I'm lazy and will choose not to eat sometimes just so I don't have to record it. It's the same logic that helps me save money by using a register). I was doing so well yesterday... until I ate a crap ton of cookies and salsa and chips.

Why am I writing this? So that people out there that are just like, "stop eating so much" to fat people can understand that it's not that easy. For some of us, it feels like an addiction. The hunger mechanism kicks in and it's almost impossible to ignore.

"I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle." -Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. That's right. I quoted that here.

I literally have the same compulsion to eat that I have to shop (shopaholic here too, lol). I come from a long line of alcoholics with some drug addicts thrown in for good measure. Almost everyone in my biological family has some sort of addiction or use to be an alcoholic and I am no exception. I have a very addictive personality and the impulses are very hard to control. I'm trying right now to get addicted to the gym (endorphin highs are very good for starting addictions...). Eating healthy is tougher because I have to say no to everything. No sweets, no grease, no junk. It's hard to change an entire lifestyle and it won't happen overnight. I will have "relapses" and bad days. But I'll keep on trying.

<3 - CFC
7 Comments
Tsu
11/17/2012 06:22:39 am

Hiii~!! ^_~

I can relate to this post~!!! Except...I'm not bigger...but here's what I can say about this...Once you get into a really good workout routine you will start to choose the healthier foods. When you work out, and you've eaten poorly that work out is gonna feel shitty, you're gonna feel shitty the whole thing is just shitty. So honestly...try eating some junk food and go to the gym to work out. $20 you are gonna work your hardest to never let that happen again. So working out does help to change the appetite.

I say this because I am one of the most impulsive insane eaters every, but I was lucky enough to have a good metabolism. I was sooo big on sweets. Candy, cookies, cakes...you name it I'd probably eaten a package of it to myself. I still have absolutely no control when given a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies...I will kill that bag in under two hours. Every time. But when I started running cross country my whole diet did a 360. Caaauuse pizza and running 8 miles in practice...it's like death.

So stick with the working out! And hopefully your issues with craving the wrong foods will be a bit more subdued, and you can afford to cheat....like killing an entire package of pepperidge farm cookies...I swear they put crack in their cookies!!! O_O

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CFC link
11/17/2012 07:20:44 am

Is it bad that I immediately know who you are by that name more than your real one? :D

That actually makes me feel a lot better about this whole thing. I'm kind of excited to see that happen. :D

And since I'm allergic to chocolate now (because my body hates me), I don't really eat cookies as much anymore. I miss chocolate....

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Tsu
11/17/2012 07:32:16 am

Hahaha I'm glad~! =) Me and my alias bwahahaha.

Lol I so feel you. I became lactose intolerant about 7 years ago....I miss ice cream!!!...and all other dairy products. But mostly ice cream I think I ate it daily for most of my life...damn you lactose intoleraaance~!!!

CFC link
11/17/2012 08:15:12 am

If I become lactose intolerant.... I'm not living very long.... XD I would just fall down dead.

Tsu
11/17/2012 10:20:35 am

Oh yeah. I cheat on rare occasions. It'll make me violently ill and in pain for a few hours. Buuuut...some things are worth it. Like homemade mac and cheese...and I do gotta have real ice cream maybe once a year...every couple years. Hahaha idk. I drink soy milk. At this point I couldn't tell you how real milk tastes...so as far as I know it's close enough.

But for reals yo, I know you're on a diet with the exercise...try to go workout after eating something crappy...like pizza or fast food...and I think you'll find more appeal to eating healthy foods =)

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wedding photographers in CT link
9/30/2013 09:13:33 pm

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CFC link
10/4/2013 05:58:46 am

:D Thanks! :D

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