This post is going to be the story of how I ended up not taking crap from anyone and being only me.
When I was around 19 or so, I "ran away" from home to go live with my best friend's family. The consequences of that decision were extreme and something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. A thousand people can tell me that what happened to my family when I left wasn't my fault and that I had to do what was best for me (for once in my life), but they will never convince me. My leaving directly caused everything to fall apart and for someone to make a lot of bad decisions, pretty much destroying their life. I have to live with that until the day I die, regardless of whether or not it was "the right thing to do."
As you can imagine, I was in a very vulnerable state at that time, not something that I really like to admit. I'm not really the "vulnerable" type. I just wanted someone to see that something was wrong, that I was hurting and blaming myself. I just wanted someone to ask me what was wrong and to listen. That was all I wanted.
A guy at work, who I'll creatively name "Guy," did. He saw right through everything.
He saw I was hurting and he took advantage of my vulnerable state (not in a sexual way, thank you. :P We never even kissed or anything, praise God.)
He made me feel better about everything and listened to me. It was pretty awesome for awhile. I thought that I might even "love" him (I didn't).
He started to try to change me. "Don't cut your hair, it looks better long." "Wear your make up more, it looks good on you." When I feel an emotion, I feel it with all that I am. He actually said that he preferred me sad (when I'm happy, I am HAPPY). He started taking me to the gym (Lord this sounds creepy in hindsight). It's like he was trying to make me into something that I wasn't. He didn't like me as a fat chick. He wanted me to be thinner. He wanted me to join his religion (that was so not happening). He wanted me to eat better for the sole purpose of being thinner. He was making me into a doll.
What's funny is what the final straw turned out to be.
One day I literally just said the acronym "WTF" and he told me to stop swearing, ladies don't swear. Well EXCUUUUUSE me, I will fucking swear if I want to, thank you very fucking much. That ended it. I cried for days, but I made him take back his stupid gym membership and I stopped talking to him. He could take that membership and shove it. I stopped wearing all that eye make up just to spite him. I still don't really wear a lot of make up on a daily basis because I'm damn fine without it.
This song and this song became my anthems.
After that experience, I will NEVER let anyone dictate anything about me. I am perfect with all of my beautiful imperfections. I found a man that loves me for my swearing, dirty sense of humor, and likes me just as I am. He wants me to be healthier so I'll live longer, he doesn't give a shit about my size. He makes me feel beautiful exactly as I am and I will never settle for anything less than that again. I am worth it because I am amazing and anyone that thinks different can bite me.
I will never regret whatever the hell I had with Guy because 1) NOTHING HAPPENED THANK GOD, 2) I learned a lot about myself, and 3) I now know how to use gym equipment. It took someone trying to change me for their purposes (whatever they were) for me to learn that the only person that should ever want to change me is me. I want to change to be better for ME. I want to be healthier for ME. I want to be a better roommate for ME. Part of me does want to be a better person for my bf because he makes me want to be better in a good way. I want to deserve that kind of love.
The moral of this story is to be unashamedly yourself. If you're a loud person, BE LOUD. If you're quiet, be quiet. Just be yourself. Whoever deserves to be around you will love you exactly as you are. Never change for anyone but you.
<3 - CFC