Hi all,
So as some of you may have noticed, I've become a bit obsessed with fitness and I've basically come out and said that I want to lose weight (like you all didn't know that already). I'm still all about body acceptance and if you like yourself and you're considered "heavier," my hat's off to you. I love myself and accept myself as I am right now too; however, I want to make myself BETTER. CFC version 3.0, baby!
I have been "fat" for as long as I can remember. I was chubby through middle school, bigger in junior high, and fat in high school. It wasn't until I reached university that I REALLY got big. Instead of the freshman 15, I got the freshman 30. I was poor (aren't most college kids?) so I ate pretty much nothing but pasta, pasta sides, and pasta TV dinners.
PASTA IS EVIL!
So as some of you may have noticed, I've become a bit obsessed with fitness and I've basically come out and said that I want to lose weight (like you all didn't know that already). I'm still all about body acceptance and if you like yourself and you're considered "heavier," my hat's off to you. I love myself and accept myself as I am right now too; however, I want to make myself BETTER. CFC version 3.0, baby!
I have been "fat" for as long as I can remember. I was chubby through middle school, bigger in junior high, and fat in high school. It wasn't until I reached university that I REALLY got big. Instead of the freshman 15, I got the freshman 30. I was poor (aren't most college kids?) so I ate pretty much nothing but pasta, pasta sides, and pasta TV dinners.
PASTA IS EVIL!
"RAWR! I AM EVIL PASSSSTA!"
More specifically, eating a LOT of pasta ALL of the time is evil. Pasta in moderation is amazing and yummy and wonderful. Pasta all the time is carbs and fat and WHY DO I SUDDENLY WEIGH SO MUCH?!
Enough about pasta. This isn't supposed to be about my love affair with pasta.
Enough about pasta. This isn't supposed to be about my love affair with pasta.
ANYWAYS, I was big. I swear, every year I went up another pants size. I got up to a size 20 and was perilously close to going up to a size 22 (the one pair of size 20 jeans I owned was getting tight). I refused to wear jeans because they were too confining for my tummy and I could almost never find my size. I was miserable and embarrassed to be in my own skin. I couldn't physically keep up with my friends and I would get winded easily. I remember going on a hike with two of my skinnier friends and being winded, sore, grumpy, and always at LEAST twenty feet behind them. It was embarrassing and miserable. (What is with all of this past tense? I STILL can only half keep up with them and still don't fit into a lot of clothes, lol).
But I was lazy and ALWAYS busy, so I ignored it. I figured that one day I would get healthy, I would just do it "later."
I'd say my wake-up call (my "later") came when I stepped on the scale one day (because apparently I was feeling masochistic) and it read 206 back at me. I was mortified. I once told myself (jokingly, I hope. I'm not even sure if I was joking, which is the scary part) that I would kill myself if I got to 200 pounds. I felt an ice cold knot in my stomach. Suicide is no laughing matter (BELIEVE me, I have dealt with it a lot in my life). I felt sick. Had I really hated myself and my life enough to say that at some point in the past? (Answer: Yes. But this is neither the time or place to get into that.)
That was when this blog was born. This wonderful, amazing blog that allows me to vent, allows me to learn, and allows me to track my progress. Since the beginning of this blog, I've lost almost 20 pounds. I've had my highs and my lows, my months of progress followed by months of plateauing and stopping. I started this blog with two things in mind: learning to love myself and making myself a healthier person. I have met some amazing people through my FaceBook page.
I have become things that I never thought I could be. I am a blogger, a dancer, a fitness junkie, and an amateur runner (my first 5K is in December!). I love eating healthy food and my body no longer rejects vegetables as a foreign substance. I'm still bigger and I still have a LONG way to go before I am anywhere near where I want to be, but the fact is that I am GOING. That, and I still can't completely kick my addiction to junk food, but no one is perfect.
In the back of my mind. the biggest reason I started this blog was because I wanted to lose weight. I swore that I would always tell the truth to my readers and that I would be accountable to THEM when I failed. I can lie and break promises to myself pretty easily; I can't do the same thing to others. I wanted to go about my weight loss without supplements and without fad dieting; I wanted to change my lifestyle. I wanted to show the world that it could be done. I wanted to become healthier and learn to love myself regardless of what my body looked like.
Were my reasons to lose weight shallow? Yes and no. Who DOESN'T want to have an easy time finding clothes? Who DOESN'T want to be thought of as attractive? Who DOESN'T want to be able to keep up with their friends? Yes, I am a fat chick and I want to lose weight. Yes, I do talk about body acceptance while striving to change mine. No, I will NEVER apologize for that or any of this because it is MY life. These are MY choices. If you're fine just the way you are, big or small, then I am damn proud of you. Love yourself.
I love myself enough to know that I need to change my ways so that I can live a long and happy life. I wasn't happy when I ate crap food and was sedentary. Since I started working out a lot and eating better, I am HAPPY. I don't have bouts of almost crippling depression anymore. I don't have "dark" or "bad" days. I am simply high off of life and possibly the endorphins/dopamine that is released from all of my working out. It's a healthy high.
I am finally happy and on the road to staying that way, all thanks to starting this blog and this journey.
<3 - CFC
But I was lazy and ALWAYS busy, so I ignored it. I figured that one day I would get healthy, I would just do it "later."
I'd say my wake-up call (my "later") came when I stepped on the scale one day (because apparently I was feeling masochistic) and it read 206 back at me. I was mortified. I once told myself (jokingly, I hope. I'm not even sure if I was joking, which is the scary part) that I would kill myself if I got to 200 pounds. I felt an ice cold knot in my stomach. Suicide is no laughing matter (BELIEVE me, I have dealt with it a lot in my life). I felt sick. Had I really hated myself and my life enough to say that at some point in the past? (Answer: Yes. But this is neither the time or place to get into that.)
That was when this blog was born. This wonderful, amazing blog that allows me to vent, allows me to learn, and allows me to track my progress. Since the beginning of this blog, I've lost almost 20 pounds. I've had my highs and my lows, my months of progress followed by months of plateauing and stopping. I started this blog with two things in mind: learning to love myself and making myself a healthier person. I have met some amazing people through my FaceBook page.
I have become things that I never thought I could be. I am a blogger, a dancer, a fitness junkie, and an amateur runner (my first 5K is in December!). I love eating healthy food and my body no longer rejects vegetables as a foreign substance. I'm still bigger and I still have a LONG way to go before I am anywhere near where I want to be, but the fact is that I am GOING. That, and I still can't completely kick my addiction to junk food, but no one is perfect.
In the back of my mind. the biggest reason I started this blog was because I wanted to lose weight. I swore that I would always tell the truth to my readers and that I would be accountable to THEM when I failed. I can lie and break promises to myself pretty easily; I can't do the same thing to others. I wanted to go about my weight loss without supplements and without fad dieting; I wanted to change my lifestyle. I wanted to show the world that it could be done. I wanted to become healthier and learn to love myself regardless of what my body looked like.
Were my reasons to lose weight shallow? Yes and no. Who DOESN'T want to have an easy time finding clothes? Who DOESN'T want to be thought of as attractive? Who DOESN'T want to be able to keep up with their friends? Yes, I am a fat chick and I want to lose weight. Yes, I do talk about body acceptance while striving to change mine. No, I will NEVER apologize for that or any of this because it is MY life. These are MY choices. If you're fine just the way you are, big or small, then I am damn proud of you. Love yourself.
I love myself enough to know that I need to change my ways so that I can live a long and happy life. I wasn't happy when I ate crap food and was sedentary. Since I started working out a lot and eating better, I am HAPPY. I don't have bouts of almost crippling depression anymore. I don't have "dark" or "bad" days. I am simply high off of life and possibly the endorphins/dopamine that is released from all of my working out. It's a healthy high.
I am finally happy and on the road to staying that way, all thanks to starting this blog and this journey.
<3 - CFC
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